I’m so tired. Not tired like I need an extra-large cup of coffee, an afternoon of lazy napping, or a full night’s sleep. My soul is tired, and I haven’t found a form of caffeine to combat that. 

I’m tired of looking for the good. I know . . . I know. There is always something to be thankful for. And I am thankful for so many things. But not this. I’m not thankful our country has shut down. I’m not thankful people are dying. I’m not thankful for the nastiness and division. I’m not thankful to have already spent a summer’s worth of time in my home with my kids while staring down the barrel of six more weeks.

I know the good is there, but I am tired of having to dig into my depths to find it. 

I’m tired of saying no. No, we can’t see friends. No, I won’t be going to my favorite annual retreat that refreshes my spirit. No, we can’t go to the park. No, you can’t run into the store with me. No, the store doesn’t have that right now. Lately, no is the most used word in my vocabulary. 

RELATED: Our Kids Have All Lost Something

I’m no stranger to no, actually, we’re fairly well-acquainted. I’ve said no because of budget, time, busy schedules, or even because I’m just a “fun-sucker” according to my kids. But this is a different kind of no. We’ve never been an adventurous bunch, but now it’s not a personal choice, we simply don’t have the option of saying yes.  

I am tired of constantly being needed—literally, 24/7. School, friends, activities, grandparents—the people, places, and things that used to provide a break, even if a short one, from the constant needsare no longer options. I’m now trapped in a constant barrage of needs. Mom, I need a snack. Mom, I need help. Mom, I need you to play with me. Mom, I need clean socks. Mom, I need him to leave me alone. Mom, I’m a teething baby and I need you to comfort me at 4 a.m. 

You know what I need? A break from being needed.

Some days I look at my step count, well below my daily goal, and wonder how on earth I can be so tired. Being needed is physically and mentally exhausting, and I’m tired of it.

RELATED: I’ve Never Been Tired Like This Before

I’m tired of pretending. The friendly text pops up, “How are you guys doing?” My return is likely something along the lines of surviving, all right, hanging in there, one day at a time. But what I really want to say is I hate this. I don’t want to do it anymore. But that wouldn’t be the right response.

Instead, the expectation is to pretend all of this is fine. I’m fine.

But the truth is I’m not.

I cry more than I used to, I snap at my kids, I’m annoyed by my husband. And I’m angry, sometimes for no particular reason. But I don’t really tell anyone about this—that would, after all, defeat the purpose of pretending. Instead, I put on my brave, happy, half-glass-full face and move on with life. Which is, in itself, ironic because life doesn’t really move right now. 

I’m tired of searching for God. This one’s hard to admit. I’m normally the one offering encouragement, shining light into the darkness. But if I’m honest (remember, I’m tired of pretending), I am struggling to see Him. I know He’s working all things for my good and His glory. I know He has promised never to forsake us. I know He’s present in the day of trouble when He’s called upon. 

RELATED: God’s Plans Are Greater

But, it feels like there is a heavy fog clouding my vision. I am peering into it wondering, Is that you, God?

I can vaguely see His figure, but I long for the blurry lines to become clear, revealing not only an outline of Him but His face. His radiant, beautiful, reassuring face.

Yes, I know I need to be in the Word and praying—I am. And I will continue. I trust He is there, and I believe I’ll see Him again. My faith remains as does His presence even when I struggle to see it. 

As has been said time and time again over these last three months, this too will pass. My tired soul will find rest again. And yours will, too.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Kelsey Scism

Kelsey is a former language arts teacher, mother of six, wife, and most importantly a Christian loving our Lord. As a teacher, she loved inspiring and encouraging her students. Today, she finds inspiration in the everyday moments as a stay-at-home mom and hopes to encourage others along the way. Her goal is to share Christ’s love and encourage others through her writing. She shares the countless lessons God is teaching her on her blog Loving Our Lord. She is currently writing her first book, a year-long devotional for middle school girls scheduled to be published with Bethany House in the fall of 2024. Hang out with her on Facebook or Instagram.

God Redeemed the Broken Parts of My Infertility Story

In: Faith, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Two young children walking on a path near a pond, color photo

It was a Wednesday morning when I sat around a table with a group of mamas I had just recently met. My youngest daughter slept her morning nap in a carrier across my chest. Those of us in the group who held floppy babies swayed back and forth. The others had children in childcare or enrolled in preschool down the road. We were there to chat, learn, grow, and laugh. We were all mamas. But we were not all the same. I didn’t know one of the mom’s names, but I knew I wanted to get to know her because she...

Keep Reading

God Has You

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman hugging herself while looking to the side

Holding tight to the cold, sterile rail of the narrow, rollaway ER bed, I hovered helplessly over my oldest daughter. My anxious eyes bounced from her now steadying breaths to the varying lines and tones of the monitor overhead. Audible reminders of her life that may have just been spared. For 14 years, we’d been told anaphylaxis was possible if she ingested peanuts. But it wasn’t until this recent late autumn evening we would experience the fear and frenzy of our apparent new reality. My frantic heart hadn’t stopped racing from the very moment she struggled to catch a breath....

Keep Reading

My Husband Having a Stroke at 30 Wasn’t in Our Plans

In: Faith, Living
Husband and wife, selfie, color photo

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV) This verse in the book of Jeremiah has long been a favorite of mine. In fact, it’s felt relevant across many life events. Its simple, yet powerful reminder has been a place of solace, perhaps even a way to maintain equilibrium when I’ve felt my world spinning a bit out of control. In this season of starting fresh and new year intentions, I find great comfort in knowing...

Keep Reading

She Left Him on Valentine’s Day

In: Faith, Marriage
Husband kissing wife on cheek, color photo

“Can you believe that?” Those were the dreaded knife-cutting whispers I heard from across the table. I sunk deeper into my chair. My hopes fell as everyone would forever remember that I had left my fiancée on Valentine’s Day. Maybe one day it would just dissipate like the dream wedding I had planned or the canceled plane tickets for the Hawaiian honeymoon. Some bridesmaids and guests had already booked plane tickets. It was my own nightmare that kept replaying in my head over and over again. I had messed up. Big time. To be honest, if it made any difference,...

Keep Reading

God was In the Room for Our Daughter’s Open Heart Surgery

In: Faith, Motherhood
Child's hand with IV

I’ve had a strong faith for as long as I can remember, but I always felt bad that I never had a “testimony.” I had never gone through something that made me sit back and say, “Wow, God is real, He is here.” I have always felt it to my core, but no moment had ever stopped me dead in my tracks to where there was no denying that it was God. And then, that moment happened to me on December 5. After five months of fervently praying for a miracle for our daughter, the day came for her heart...

Keep Reading

A Benediction for the Worn Out Mother

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman leaning against kitchen counter, black-and-white photo

Blessed are you, Father, for bestowing upon me the honor of motherhood. For allowing me to experience the deep joy of bringing forth life—a joy I often take for granted and instead choose to begrudge. My children’s cries and demands have worn me down. I do not recognize myself. I selfishly long for the old me. My thoughts are an intangible mess of never-ending tasks, self-criticism, and comparison to those around me. RELATED: God Sees You, Weary Mama But Your word says you are near to the broken-hearted and downtrodden. You do not forget the cause of the tired and the...

Keep Reading

God Doesn’t Forget You When You’re Lost and Unsure

In: Faith, Living
Woman looking into camera, color photo

I’ve been wandering around feeling lost for over a year. Wondering where I’m going, what I’m supposed to be doing. Nothing seems to make sense. I felt purposeless. I felt stuck. I questioned everything: my faith, my marriage, my career—if it could be questioned, I doubted it. And I was completely clueless how to fix the funk. For over a year, I’ve been in the wilderness. I’ve wanted to find my way, but every path seemed like another dead end. The wilderness. I’ve been residing there. Not feeling fed. Not feeling heard. Not feeling seen. Struggling to find a purpose....

Keep Reading

And Then, the Darkness Lifts

In: Faith, Motherhood
Mother with baby smiling

Today when I woke, it had lifted, like sunshine peeking after rain. And as my toddler clicked on the lamp beside my bed to see her mama, I saw me too. I got out of bed and I walked down the hall. And the coffee pot sat there waiting for me, as always, like my husband at the kitchen table with his books. He smiled at me, and I think he could tell as I took my medicine, took down a mug, and poured my coffee. I opened the secretary desk and pulled out the chair and my Bible, like...

Keep Reading

Joy in This Stillness

In: Faith, Motherhood
Mother holding sleeping toddler, color photo

I woke up suddenly in a sweat while it was still dark. Except for the humming of the oxygen machine, the house was silent. For a moment, I thought I might have time to enjoy a cup of coffee before my son woke up. However, a glance at my daughter’s crib told me that feeding my caffeine addiction would have to wait. My daughter has a terminal brain disorder called Lissencephaly, a side effect of which is uncontrolled epilepsy. Many mornings, a subconscious recognition that she is having episodes of repeated seizures rouses me from my sleep. Throwing on a...

Keep Reading

Sometimes All We Can Do Is Say How Hard Motherhood Is

In: Faith, Motherhood
Tired mom with baby in foreground

I have been sitting in the peace and quiet of the office to do some long overdue Bible study for all of five minutes when the baby wakes up. With a heavy sigh that is becoming all too common, I go to the bedroom to pick up my fussy, probably getting sick, 8-month-old daughter who has been asleep for approximately 15 minutes. I bring her to the office and put her on the floor with some new books and toys. Sitting back down in front of my own new book of Bible maps and charts, I begin reading once again....

Keep Reading