So God Made a Teacher Collection (Sale!) ➔

“There’s something wrong with Daddy.”

That’s what rock bottom sounds like.

I thought he was too little to notice. I couldn’t fool my wife, my brother, my boss, myself, but I thought he was too little to notice.

Alone on a couch at 3:00 in the morning, desperate to stop shaking, desperate to slow the racing anxiety, desperate to die and be done with it all. That’s what rock bottom feels like.

RELATED: Dax Shepard’s Relapse Reminds Us Recovery is a Daily Process

My wife had banished me to that couch. She was angry but she didn’t do that out of anger. It was love.

“I have babied you since I’ve met you and this time I’m not doing it. You are going to lay in here and figure it out by yourself.”

Jacob wrestled God in the desert. She decided my main event match should happen in the living room. The only problem was, I did not believe in my opponent. I hadn’t since life didn’t go the way I thought it should.

It was four years before that—she was almost done with nursing school. We were going to move to Nashville. I had worked to make connections there. I had songs being pitched to major artists. In my mind, fame and fortune were around the corner. I got offered a job at home, too good a job to turn down. I cried when I took it.

I had prayed, telling God I would follow his will, but I didn’t mean that. I wanted my will, my way, my plan. His was different. I hated Him for it. Hated Him so hard I decided He didn’t exist.

With nothing to hold it back, the hate had spread. I hated my life, myself, and my music. That last one stung. It was the only thing I’d ever been good at. It had been there when nothing else was. Now it wasn’t there. I pushed God out of my life, so He took the gift He’d given me with Him.

I was an atheist. I didn’t say that too much, but as I walked into the bedroom and begged her to let me back in the bed and hold me at least until the detox was over, there was zero belief in my heart.

She held strong. It hurt her to do that. I could tell it did. I had been manipulating people my whole life. There was no doubt in my mind I could use her hurt to let me back in the bed. Sometimes things are done in the name of love that hurt you more than the person you’re doing them too.

She wouldn’t let herself be manipulated this time. No matter how much it hurt her. She held strong. I gave up.

RELATED: Dear Wife, I’m Successful Because of Your Love

Twenty steps back to the couch, four years in the desert, 10 years since accepting salvation, 30 years on the earth . . . one desperate, broken, prayer:

“GOD! I have made a mess of my life. I can’t do it anymore. I will do whatever you tell me to do if you will help me. Maybe I am getting a divorce, maybe I am getting fired, maybe I never sing again. I don’t care. I give up. I will lay concrete if you tell me to. I will do whatever you tell me to do if you will help me. PLEASE HELP ME!”


“OK”? That’s what I heard in my spirit. That was it.

No angels descending. No thunder from the throne. Just “OK.”

But clearly not my voice. Clearly His voice. The voice that whispered, There’s a song in that when things happened around me. The voice that told me to marry Amanda. The voice that told me everything would be OK during the hardest times of my childhood.

A voice I hadn’t heard in a long time.

RELATED: When God Saves the “Unsavable”

I felt like I was 20. I felt something different in my heart. I was smiling. I went to the bathroom mirror. I was certain someone else would be looking back at me. I knew in one moment life would never be the same again. I knew what to do at home to fix things, what to do at work, how God wanted me to serve others from that point forward.

They weren’t my answers for once, they were His. They worked.

That was seven years ago today. Seven beautiful years filled with moments I couldn’t have dreamed of. I sing again. I hear songs again. I sleep in the bed with a woman that loves me and I feel like the King of Alabama every time I get to slide in my side and hold her in the dark.

I love my job. I truly love and care for the people I work with. I have connections in Nashville and songs being pitched to major artists again. I have a son that’s amazing. He still thinks there’s something wrong with me, but that’s because he’s about to be 12 and I’m his dad. If I’m lucky he’ll figure out I ain’t that bad by the time he’s 31.

The bottom line is, I have a life.

I had a suicide plan. I had an addiction. I had a cold, dead, empty heart. I had no hope.

Now, I have a life.

Thank you, God in Heaven and on this Earth for allowing me to suffer, break, and surrender to your plan.

This post originally appeared on the author’s Facebook page.

Will Stults

Will Stults is a Father, Husband, and Mental Health Advocate from Russellville, AL.  His column “There’s a Way” is a regular feature in The Franklin County Times.  As a Songwriter Will has been featured at The Bluebird Café, Moonlight On The Mountain, The Red Clay Theater and other venues across the Southeast.  His debut album “Hearts Get Heard” is available through all digital music services.

Jesus of the Rock Bottom Rescue

In: Faith, Living
Sad woman sitting on floor

Have you ever hit rock bottom? I have and it was the scariest place I’ve ever been but that’s where I found Jesus. Where I truly encounter the Holy Spirit and the healing power and life He can give. I was raised in a Christian home by good parents that would have given their lives for me. I was raised in the church and loved by my church family. I enjoyed going to church as a child and I loved Jesus my whole life. At the age of 8 years old I asked Jesus into my heart and was baptized....

Keep Reading

While I Wait for Another Door to Open, I’ll Hold One For Someone Else

In: Faith, Living
Woman teaching another woman by computer

I’m waiting for another door. All my life, I’ve been told that when God closes one door, He opens another. And here I am, staring at the imminent end of the business I’ve built from nothing. Closing down what I started up from sheer willpower, too much caffeine, and the bold determination to work for myself. Scratching out what I made from scratch . . . and it feels horrible. God didn’t just close this door. He slammed it shut, boarded the whole thing up, and hammered the nails in where I cannot pry them open. Believe me. I’ve tried....

Keep Reading

Separating Work From Home is a Must For Me

In: Faith, Motherhood
Mom with baby smiling

If I close my eyes and let myself, I can still see the 11-year-old boy with his pale feet sticking out from under the blanket, on his way to the morgue after a gun accident.   If I close my eyes and let myself, I can still see the still, blue form of the 3-month-old who passed away in his sleep. We gave CPR and all the medicines “just in case,” but that baby was gone long before his caregiver brought him in through the door. If I close my eyes and let myself, I can still see the 3-year-old...

Keep Reading

When Teens Are Hard to Love, You Love Them Harder

In: Faith, Motherhood, Teen
Teen boy sitting with hood up

I lay face down on the floor, praying. Praying in the loosest sense of the word. Praying in the Romans 8:26 way—you know, when the Spirit “intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.” Because I could not utter any actual coherent thoughts at that point. I was weary and beaten down. Day after day I had been in combat, battling an opponent I didn’t anticipate: one of my children. My own child, one of the people I had lovingly grown inside my body and loved sacrificially for all these years, had staunchly and repeatedly put himself in opposition...

Keep Reading

In This Stage of Marriage, it Feels Like We’re Roommates Who Share the Same Kids

In: Faith, Marriage
Distant couple on phones in bed

How do you get it back? How do you get back the love you once had? Everyone told me marriage was hard and having kids was hard, but I had no idea it would be this hard. I thought everyone was lying because our relationship was solid before marriage. We were best friends. Some days I feel like we’re roommates who share the same kids. It disgusts me even to say that, but it’s the truth. Marriage is hard and has ugly sides to it that everyone seems afraid to talk about. RELATED: Keep Showing Up Even When Marriage is...

Keep Reading

You Are the God of Details, but God These Details Don’t Make Sense

In: Faith, Grief, Loss
Window open with shutters

That was not the plan. What just happened in there? We walked out a bit defeated. More than a bit. I felt deflated. Things were supposed to be different by now. This wasn’t what I asked for or expected. This wasn’t even what they told me would happen. We cross the street in silence. Headed to the car and as soon as I shut the car door, I could no longer hold it in. I let the tears flow. All this unknown. I don’t understand. This is life. This is foster care. This is what we chose. That doesn’t make...

Keep Reading

I Am a Good Enough Mom

In: Faith, Motherhood
Mother kissing toddler

I came to motherhood knowing nothing about the job. My mother’s example wasn’t an example at all, more of something to forget, and maybe even get therapy for. My own son was the first newborn I’d ever held. When I became a mom, I was 23 and clueless.  Because of my personality, I wanted to do everything right and parenthood was no exception. I read all the books on parenting I could. I talked to older moms and soaked up all the advice they gave me. Having no idea what I was doing made me look to outside sources to inform...

Keep Reading

God’s Plan For Me Wasn’t What I Expected

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman walking with children silhouette

I grew up in a family where we knew who God was. We went to church, and we were involved in church. However, when we weren’t at church, time spent in the Word fell to the wayside. Don’t get me wrong, my parents were wonderful people, but we didn’t make that a priority in my house.  Going into adulthood, I realized I had deceived myself into believing I had a relationship with God. I knew God loved me, but I questioned whether I loved Him. I wasn’t living life in a way that was glorifying to Him. I’m not only...

Keep Reading

But God is Still Good

In: Faith, Living
Woman looking out window

“I can’t afford a new one,” I thought to myself as I shampooed another stain. This can’t keep happening. Maybe I made a mistake. I have to make this last. And the couch. And the clothes. And all the things. We are done having babies. The price of food has doubled. It’s astronomical to fill the cars with gas. Things are closing in on me. How can I best serve my family? Survival mode engaged. When I read the news, when I follow the headlines, when I listen to the conversations around me . . .  I hear fear. Loss....

Keep Reading

Jesus Helps Me Smile Through the Weary Moments of Motherhood

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman holding toddler girl, color photo

“Mom, why aren’t you smiling?” My 4-year-old took one look at my face, and like an open book, she could read me. Sometimes I wish I could hide it better, tucked behind an infinite smile or a pasted-on happy face. Sometimes I wish my beautiful children—so young, free, and fun—wouldn’t see my face on a day like today. RELATED: Motherhood is Hard, But Loving You is the Easiest Thing I’ve Ever Done You see, it’s just so hard—all of it. And I am just so tired. Between working a job, trying to keep up with being a supportive wife and...

Keep Reading

Get our FREE phone wallpaper to encourage you as the new school year begins

It's bittersweet for a mother to watch her child grow—but you both are ready to soar.