Free shipping on all orders over $75🎄

I was just so tired.
 
Last night, as I nursed my youngest in the quiet darkness, her beautiful face melted my soul. My tired and grumpy feelings of late have led me to lose sight of the glory and the blessing that my children are to me. I felt mournful, repentant, hopeful, and thankful all at the same time, as I gazed at her – ever trusting – despite my tainted outlook. I think it was a godly kind of sorrow.
 
2 Corinthians 7:10 tells us that “…God sometimes uses sorrow in our lives to help us turn away from sin and seek eternal life. We should never regret his sending it…” (The Living Bible)
 
It’s such a beautiful mess, this motherhood thing. And I don’t even mean the laundry piles, the dirty toilets, or the mountain of dishes on the counter. I’m mostly talking about myself!
 
What I realized in that holy moment with my babe was that I have been missing out by getting washed away by it all. My children mean the world to me, but I wasn’t acting like it. So many of my words had been corrections. So many of my looks had been suspicious. So many of my sighs had been impatient ones. As I thought it over, I murmured something to my little suckling child about wanting to love her with my whole heart.
 
And then I stopped in my tracks. No. Something about that sounded wrong. Who am I supposed to love with all my heart, mind, and strength? I was immediately convicted as I remembered my merciful God. I had just reviewed this at the Spring musical put on by my nieces’ Christian school.
 
“What is the greatest commandment?”, I heard the little actor query inside my head.
 
“To love the Lord my God with all my heart and mind and strength…” I answered back, as Christ had done so many years before, this time making it personal. God, I have NOT been desiring you or leaning on you like I could. I know that my strength for each moment, for each child, comes from you.  
 
“…And the other is like it. To love my neighbor as myself.”  Oh no. I haven’t been doing that either.
 
“And who is my neighbor?”  That little kid from the play just wouldn’t stop jogging my memory.
 
I took over from there. Well, in this case – in this season of complete and utter exhaustion – some of my most important neighbors are my children.  
 
And how must I love them?
 
Just as I love myself. Have I even been loving myself? Nope. Not quite.
 
Just in case you’re there too, I just want you to know you’re not alone. I myself was very thankful when our couple’s counselor validated our exhaustion during a session recently. This phase of child rearing, where you have several young children under 5 – or 6 or 7 – is simply exhausting. There’s no other word for it. If holding it together in the midst of the chaos is all you can do, then you’re doing well.
 
But by re-setting our priorities, I think we can do better. By leaning into our Savior in a deeper way, we can find more strength. And by halting our work and resting, we can love ourselves in such a way that raises the quality of our neighbor-love.
 
For me, it meant leaving the dishes on the counter one more day, and elevating my foot so it wouldn’t flare up on me again. It was a rough choice, because the Mommy Guilt. We’d all been busy, the dishes left very little counter space, and my husband had to help get dinner ready. He wasn’t expecting me to sit on the couch, rubbing my toes with essential oils when I should have been scrubbing, loading, chopping; scrambling to catch up with the day that the hiking plans had interrupted. We had to talk about it later after the kids went to bed.
 
He finally got me. Understood. Agreed.
 
I’m learning to stand up for me just enough that I can be a better mom and wife. And I’m figuring out how to carve deeper, more intentional devotion into my schedule so that I don’t forget my God. We are not forgotten. But we forget ourselves all too often in the delirium of the daily grind. We will never be perfect this side of heaven, but every day we can be better lovers – of God, of selves, of our neighbor-kids. Will you cling to the cross this Easter, and become a better mom with me? 

Stephanie Ross

Stephanie is a kindergarten teacher turned homeschool mom. She’s finally living the off-grid homesteading dream (that took about a decade to agree on) with her hubby and three girls. For her, writing is a way to get the words out without having to talk; though she really loves to talk. Her favorite person to talk with (mom) has been in heaven for eleven years. She writes about living with grief, parenting, and relationships.  

This Will Not Last Forever

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman looking at sunset

“This will not last forever,” I wrote those words on the unfinished walls above my daughter’s changing table. For some reason, it got very tiring to change her diapers. Nearly three years later, the words are still there though the changing table no longer is under them. While my house is still unfinished so I occasionally see those words, that stage of changing diapers for her has moved on. She did grow up, and I got a break. Now I do it for her baby brother. I have been reminding myself of the seasons of life again. Everything comes and...

Keep Reading

God Calls Me Flawless

In: Faith, Living
Note hanging on door, color photo

When I look in the mirror, I don’t always like what I see. I tend to focus on every imperfection, every flaw. As I age, more wrinkles naturally appear. And I’ve never been high maintenance, so the gray hairs are becoming more frequent, too. Growing up a lot of negative words were spoken about me: my body, my weight, my hair, my build. Words I’ve somehow carried my whole life. The people who proclaimed them as my truth don’t even remember what they said, I’m sure. But that’s the power of negative words. Sticks and stones may break our bones,...

Keep Reading

Your Husband Needs Friendship Too

In: Faith, Friendship, Marriage
3 men smiling outside

As the clock inches closer to 7:00 on a Monday evening, I pull out whatever dessert I had prepared that week and set it out on the kitchen counter. This particular week it’s a trifle, but other weeks it may be brownies, pound cake, or cookies of some kind. My eyes do one last sweep to make sure there isn’t a tripping hazard disguised as a dog toy on the floor and that the leftover dinner is put away. Then, my kids and I make ourselves scarce. Sometimes that involves library runs or gym visits, but it mostly looks like...

Keep Reading

This Is Why Moms Ask for Experience Gifts

In: Faith, Living, Motherhood
Mother and young daughter under Christmas lights wearing red sweaters

When a mama asks for experience gifts for her kids for Christmas, please don’t take it as she’s ungrateful or a Scrooge. She appreciates the love her children get, she really does. But she’s tired. She’s tired of the endless number of toys that sit in the bottom of a toy bin and never see the light of day. She’s tired of tripping over the hundreds of LEGOs and reminding her son to pick them up so the baby doesn’t find them and choke. She’s tired of having four Elsa dolls (we have baby Elsa, Barbie Elsa, a mini Elsa,...

Keep Reading

When You Just Don’t Feel Like Christmas

In: Faith, Living
Woman sad looking out a winter window

It’s hard to admit, but some years I have to force myself to decorate for Christmas. Some years the lights look a little dimmer. The garlands feel a bit heavier. And the circumstances of life just aren’t wrapped in a big red bow like I so wish they were. Then comparison creeps in like a fake Facebook friend and I just feel like hiding under the covers and skipping it all. Because I know there’s no way to measure up to the perfect life “out there.” And it all just feels heavier than it used to. Though I feel alone,...

Keep Reading

When Your Kids Ask, “Where Is God?”

In: Faith, Kids
Child looking at sunset

How do I know if the voice I’m hearing is God’s voice? When I was in high school, I found myself asking this question. My dad was a pastor, and I was feeling called to ministry. I didn’t know if I was just hearing my dad’s wish or the call of God. I was worried I was confusing the two. It turns out, I did know. I knew because I was raised to recognize the presence of God all around me. Once I knew what God’s presence felt like, I also knew what God’s voice sounded like. There is a...

Keep Reading

To the Woman Longing to Become a Mother

In: Faith, Grief, Motherhood
Woman looking at pregnancy test with hand on her head and sad expression

To the woman who is struggling with infertility. To the woman who is staring at another pregnancy test with your flashlight or holding it up in the light, praying so hard that there will be even the faintest line. To the woman whose period showed up right on time. To the woman who is just ready to quit. I don’t know the details of your story. I don’t know what doctors have told you. I don’t know how long you have been trying. I don’t know how many tears you have shed. I don’t know if you have lost a...

Keep Reading

I Was There to Walk My Mother to Heaven

In: Faith, Grief, Loss
Hand holding older woman's hand

I prayed to see my momma die. Please don’t click away yet or judge me harshly after five seconds. I prayed to see, to experience, to be in the room, to be a part of every last millisecond of my momma’s final days, final hours, and final moments here on Earth. You see, as a wife of a military man, I have always lived away from my family. I have missed many birthdays, celebrations, dinners, and important things. But my heart couldn’t miss this important moment. I live 12 hours away from the room in the house where my momma...

Keep Reading

God Sent Me to You

In: Faith, Motherhood
Newborn gazing at mother with father smiling down

I was a little unsure As I left God’s warm embrace: What will it be like? What challenges will I face? There were so many questions Running through my mind. I asked around for the answers I was hoping to find. Who will hold me And cuddle me tight? Who will rock me To sleep at night? RELATED: The Newborn Nights Feel As Endless As My Love For You Who will comfort me When I’ve had a rough day? Who will be there To take my worries away? Who will nourish me And make sure I grow? Who will read...

Keep Reading

Addiction Doesn’t Get the Final Say Over My Son

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman praying with head bowed

She is so tired. It is a kind of tired that no amount of sleep or rest can alleviate. It is a kind of tired that surpasses physical and even mental fatigue. It is a tiredness of soul—a tiredness that comes from wondering, and grieving, and not knowing how to save her son from the drugs the enemy has bound him up in. She kneels alone on the floor in her bedroom closet. This is where she came when the fear and the uncertainty and the panic started to creep into her heart again. She came here to pray, though...

Keep Reading