So God Made a Mother is Here! 🎉

I’ll never forget when we first met. You had just been removed from your mother and separated from your siblings. I was surprised to see you seemed fairly unphased, but in reality, your 5-year-old mind hadn’t fully grasped what had just happened. 

The first few days with you went smoothly. I was shocked at how well you seemed to fit in. You were great with my infant daughter and enjoyed the pets in the house. You almost acted as if it was a vacation, and you would shortly return home. This is what they call the honeymoon phase.

RELATED: If You Give a Foster Family a Chicken Dinner

Then, a few weeks went by, and the trauma you had experienced prior to and during removal started to rear its ugly head. You acted out in every way possible, and who could blame you? You were dealt a terrible hand and you were angry at the world. In your mind, I was directly responsible for keeping you from your family. How were you supposed to understand that I and my husband were only trying to help? You had been taken from the only chaos you had ever known and thrown into this strangely quiet and clean environment. There were new rules and new routines, a new school and a new town. Nothing was the same, and girl, you were confused.

As first-time foster parents, and recently new parents period, we quickly realized we were not prepared to help you through your trauma and hurt.

We hung in there for as long as we could, but when things only seemed to be getting worse after several weeks, we made the hardest decision—to ask for your removal from our home. Our family had to come first. And we hated ourselves for that. 

Even though we had zero control as to where you would go after leaving our home, all we could do was hope and pray that the next family would be able to do what we couldn’t—hang in there through the healing process. 

RELATED: The Children in Our Hearts: A Foster Care Story

When I got the call that it was time for you to go, I began packing your things. We only had a couple of hours notice to try and explain what was happening. How do you tell a little girl who has already lost so much, that she would now be moving on again? My heart was broken. I prayed that you would forgive us and not feel rejection. You had such a sweet side, much of your behavior wasn’t even your own fault. 

As you walked out that door, I gave you a hug, told you to be a good girl, and I kept a brave face. But honey, the moment you turned your back to head to the caseworker’s car, I melted into a puddle of tears. And after you left, I cried. And cried. And cried.

I had failed you. Like so many others in your life. 

I tried to keep track of where you had gone. I broke the rules and sent my phone number in your things in case your new family had any questions. Much to my surprise, I got a message from your new foster mom the very same day you left. I was relieved to know where you were and that your new caregiver cared enough to inquire if you liked to sleep with a nightlight. I even got to talk to you on the phone a few times, it was painful and healing for us both all at the same time.

And then, you left that home. And you were placed into a facility. And then that facility was shut down. I have not talked to you since you left that second foster home, and I have no idea where you ended up. I blame myself, I could have avoided all of that by allowing you to stay in my home. 

RELATED: Dear Foster Families, Your Love Matters

Now, my daughter is almost two, and I’ve since had another daughter. We also fostered a baby for a short time after you left. I feel like I have more experience with parenting now, I’m a better mom. I only wish I would have had that experience when you were with us. I pray you are doing well, that you feel loved and accepted wherever you may be.

And I just want you to know that I cared. I still do. I still think about you. You are loved, you are valued. Never forget that. 

Xoxo,
Your foster mom 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Kamrie Smith

Kamrie is a rancher’s wife, a mom of two girls, and an EMT. In her free time she enjoys horseback rides in the Montana mountains, coffee walks with friends, playing with her girls, and jotting down thoughts to share with others.

We Have a Lot of Pets and It’s the Best

In: Living, Motherhood
Collage of kids with animals, color photo

We are the house with a lot of animals. Yep, that one. Each time I call my mom to delicately mention we are thinking of adopting another pet, I am met with the same disapproving tone, “ANOTHER dog?” Let’s be fair, we are only shopping around for our third. It’s not that crazy, but I get it’s more than most. Oh, and we also have a horse. But hear me out . . .  My oldest son has autism and used to be terrified of our dog. She was patient with him, she kept her distance, and she slowly broke...

Keep Reading

The Grace and Grief of Being a Medical Mama

In: Faith, Motherhood
Hospital bed and IV stand, black-and-white photo

Medical mama—this title and this view hit me. It hits me at different times and in different ways, but it hits me, hard.  Some days, I crumble with thankfulness that God has such a specific plan for my sweet, golden, middle daughter, that He would make ways where it feels there is no way.  There are other times when it hits me with anger and bitterness because I can’t figure out why, in a world full of medical interventions, this is our “fix.”  It hits me.  In the wee hours of another night in the hospital, it hits me that grace...

Keep Reading

I Buried My Heart with My Baby but God Brought Me Back to Life

In: Faith, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Woman in a sweater standing outside looking at sunset

Recently, my world felt as if it were crashing around me. I was so angry I think my rage could have burned a small village. Unfortunately, that rage was directed at God though I knew that wasn’t what I needed to be directing toward Him. He owed me nothing then, and He owes me nothing now; however, my heart was shattered, and for a while, it seemed as if my faith was crumbling with it. I stopped going to church. I stopped praying. I stopped all positive feelings and allowed myself to succumb to the pain and the anger. When...

Keep Reading

Dear New Mom, God Is Only a Whisper Away

In: Baby, Faith, Motherhood
New mother holding baby on couch, eyes closed

While we were waiting to adopt, I would wake up in the middle of the night panicky. My mind would wander to the thought of suddenly having a baby. With groggy eyes and a cobwebbed mind, I would ask myself, “Could I get up right now to go soothe a crying baby?” And then the insecurities would flood me as I thought through the difficulty of dragging myself out of bed to give milk to a fussy newborn. I didn’t know if I could.  With each application sent to agencies and social workers, the possibility of adopting a baby became more...

Keep Reading

Look beyond the Labels for What You Don’t See

In: Kids, Motherhood
Three kids sitting on parents' laps smiling

I’ve always said that labeling someone with high- or low-functioning autism, or any disability for that matter, isn’t ever truly accurate. You may see an extremely smart girl who seems “normal” but you don’t see everything. You don’t see how the noises hurt her ears. You don’t see how the bright lights hurt her eyes. You don’t see how hard she struggles to fit in. You don’t see how she struggles to understand the social cues. You don’t see how seriously she takes what you say even if you’re joking. You don’t see the struggles when she’s having an overwhelming...

Keep Reading

And We Rocked

In: Motherhood
Black and white photo of a baby sleeping

My belly had grown and stretched to make room for you. I simply couldn’t wait to see your little face. I sat in your nursery, which was nearly complete, and whispered all the thoughts, fears, and feelings that filled my mind. You kicked in response as if to remind me we were in this together. And we rocked. Everyone told me that babies sleep a lot. But not you. It was as if you didn’t want to miss one moment of this big, beautiful life. I was to my bones tired. You refused to sleep. We continued this merry-go-round where...

Keep Reading

Did I Make Caring for You My Idol?

In: Motherhood
Little boy sitting in lawn chair, color photo

When my disabled son, Lucas, was an adorable little boy, I thought (and declared loudly!) that as long as I was alive and well, I would care for him. I was his mother and no one could ever provide for him as I would. And I completely believed this up until about five years ago. It started with puberty as Lucas blossomed into manhood, shedding his adorableness, and my mental and physical health deteriorated as he grew larger and stronger and became aggressive at times. I whispered to my husband, late at night with tears streaming down my face after...

Keep Reading

When You Look Back on These Pictures, I Hope You Feel My Love

In: Kids, Motherhood
Four kids playing in snow, color photo

I document your life in pictures. I do it for you. I do it for me. I do it because I want you to know I lived every memory. And loved every moment. When you go back through the thousands of moments, I hope it sparks something deep inside of you. Something that perhaps your heart and mind had forgotten until that moment. And I hope that it makes you smile.  I hope the memories flood and you remember how much each moment was cherished.  I hope each giggle and secret that was shared with your sisters at that moment sparks...

Keep Reading

The Hardest Teens Sometimes Make the Best Adults

In: Motherhood, Teen
Collage of mom with teens, color photo

Hi, friends. Former middle school and high school teacher here, checking in. Can I let you in on a little something I learned as a secondary teacher? Here it is . . . sometimes the kids who really struggle as teens turn out to be the most amazing adults. Yep. Really. I’ve seen it so many times I felt compelled to share. One student I knew was constantly in trouble and getting me in trouble because I always stuck up for him. (And I don’t regret it.) He played jokes on teachers, gave substitutes a run for their money, left...

Keep Reading

For the Parents of the Kids Who Don’t Fit the Mold

In: Kids, Motherhood
mom hugging her daughter

This one is for the parents of the kids who don’t fit the mold. I see you holding your kid together with nothing but love and a prayer as they cry or feel defeated and you wish the world would see your kid like you do. I see you wiping away their tears after they were yet again passed over for all the awards and accolades. There is no award for showing up for school despite crippling anxiety or remembering to write down assignments for the first year ever. So they had to sit clapping again for friends whose accomplishments...

Keep Reading