It’s been a long time, Grief Chair, since I have visited you. Oh, how I miss you! I walk buy you multiple times during the day. I miss the quiet time, your comfort, and just sitting.

It is crazy how God works.

I used to sit in that exact same spot the days and months after losing my son Tyler in 2013. During those days, you would comfort me, I prayed there, I journaled there, I cried there and I drank my coffee there. I was drawn to you first thing in the morning and many times during the day. You are positioned perfectly so I could look out the patio doors to watch the trees dancing from the gentle breeze or the beautiful sunset in the evening. My favorite time was when the doors were opened and I could hear the birds or feel the warmth of the sun coming in. As I sat in that chair all my sorrows would leave, I felt safe there and loved. Grief is so hard to explain. How can a simple chair help after loss? For me, it was finding a place to sort out my sadness when I did not even know what I was sorting out. It is a place in my home that I felt safe and I was not judged by anyone. It is somewhere I could sit and just breathe to work through my struggles.

The Grief Chair said absolutely nothing but yet it spoke VOLUMES.

It’s been months since I thought about sitting in that chair.

But this morning I went there. I sat.

You see, I have been struggling. I know why; it has been a hard two months of holidays and family gatherings, cold, little sun and missing my sweet blue-eyed boy. I am sure I am feeling sorry for myself, I do not want to deal with my feelings and one little things turning into a BIG thing. The journaling stops, the prayer times goes away and the devil sneaks in the back door. Yes, I believe when I am without my quiet time with God, the devil is working overtime.

So today I gave in.

I gave up.

I gave it to God.

I decided trying to control my life is not working.

I sat in the Grief Chair.

The exact same chair that comforted me, that gave me peace, safety, and quiet time after losing Tyler.

I decided I would sit for just 15 minutes, then get back to the list of things I needed to do. An hour later I was still there.

It felt good.

I picked up my old journal and read.

Oh, how I have changed!

I continued to read and realized a lot had changed. Prayers had been answered two or three years prior. I realized I am missing my happiness, I had lost my positive attitude, I was having health problems and had lost sight of how God was guiding me. So I sat in that chair today to heal again. I sat for the exact same reasons as before.

But, this time I was hearing God loud and clear.

He had proven himself to me time and time again in my journal entries.

He had granted prayers.

THE PRAYERS I HAD PRAYED!

He had comforted me even when I lost sight of Him. How was I not able to find 15 minutes out of my 24-hour day to give to HIM? It was not until I asked myself what had I changed, how did this all come about?

Then I remembered a week ago deciding, I needed God.

I started praying. I prayed that God would show me how to fit Him in to my life. Little did I realize every time I walked by that chair I would start thinking about the times I sat there and how I felt. He was leading me.

So today when everyone left, I sat in the chair.

PJs on, face not washed and hair a mess . . . I sat in the chair.

I took time to read, journal, I looked out the window, and absorbed the quiet time with God.

Oh, how I missed this.

Today was a start. Just like walking through grief. You have to take baby steps. Today I learn once again I need God. He is in control and he will lead me through this.

I must do this for me.

You must do this for YOU.

We must sit in the Grief Chair and day by day, we will get through it!

You may also like:

This is Grief

When Time Doesn’t Fix Your Grief

You Cannot Control Seasons of Grief; You Can Only Move Through Them

Missy Hillmer

My name is Missy Hillmer. I’m married, live in a small town named Palmer, NE and have 3 children. Jake is our oldest who is 19 years old and Gracie is 11 who lives here with us. Tyler which was 15 years on August 20, 2013 is now in Heaven. He was killed in a car accident just 3 short days after his 15th birthday. I am very honest, very real sometimes to the point of not being fun, I guess that’s because I’m a black and white kind of girl. I like to look at the positive in every situation. I really believe there are two ways to look at things. Look for the bad or the good. The “bad” does me no justice and can spiral out of control in a heartbeat. The “good” however gives me hope and it connects with my belief that God is with me through everything. I believe my faith has gotten me through life and especially since my son’s accident. I pray a lot more, watch for the signs that God gives me, listen to my inner gut feeling, as my husband calls it and really focus on living a simple life. Family means everything to me, I love to laugh and think it’s the best medicine for any problem. Music soothes my sole and being outside in the sun brings me great joy! I have learned that many times you cannot control the storm in your life but, you can learn to dance in the rain. I really mean it when I say DANCE in the RAIN! The summer before Tyler’s accident, Tyler, Gracie & I danced in the rain. This memory I will never forget! Since Tyler’s accident I am passionate about telling my story with the hope that it will help or inspire at least one person.