It’s been a long time, Grief Chair, since I have visited you. Oh, how I miss you! I walk buy you multiple times during the day. I miss the quiet time, your comfort, and just sitting.
It is crazy how God works.
I used to sit in that exact same spot the days and months after losing my son Tyler in 2013. During those days, you would comfort me, I prayed there, I journaled there, I cried there and I drank my coffee there. I was drawn to you first thing in the morning and many times during the day. You are positioned perfectly so I could look out the patio doors to watch the trees dancing from the gentle breeze or the beautiful sunset in the evening. My favorite time was when the doors were opened and I could hear the birds or feel the warmth of the sun coming in. As I sat in that chair all my sorrows would leave, I felt safe there and loved. Grief is so hard to explain. How can a simple chair help after loss? For me, it was finding a place to sort out my sadness when I did not even know what I was sorting out. It is a place in my home that I felt safe and I was not judged by anyone. It is somewhere I could sit and just breathe to work through my struggles.
The Grief Chair said absolutely nothing but yet it spoke VOLUMES.
It’s been months since I thought about sitting in that chair.
But this morning I went there. I sat.
You see, I have been struggling. I know why; it has been a hard two months of holidays and family gatherings, cold, little sun and missing my sweet blue-eyed boy. I am sure I am feeling sorry for myself, I do not want to deal with my feelings and one little things turning into a BIG thing. The journaling stops, the prayer times goes away and the devil sneaks in the back door. Yes, I believe when I am without my quiet time with God, the devil is working overtime.
So today I gave in.
I gave up.
I gave it to God.
I decided trying to control my life is not working.
I sat in the Grief Chair.
The exact same chair that comforted me, that gave me peace, safety, and quiet time after losing Tyler.
I decided I would sit for just 15 minutes, then get back to the list of things I needed to do. An hour later I was still there.
It felt good.
I picked up my old journal and read.
Oh, how I have changed!
I continued to read and realized a lot had changed. Prayers had been answered two or three years prior. I realized I am missing my happiness, I had lost my positive attitude, I was having health problems and had lost sight of how God was guiding me. So I sat in that chair today to heal again. I sat for the exact same reasons as before.
But, this time I was hearing God loud and clear.
He had proven himself to me time and time again in my journal entries.
He had granted prayers.
THE PRAYERS I HAD PRAYED!
He had comforted me even when I lost sight of Him. How was I not able to find 15 minutes out of my 24-hour day to give to HIM? It was not until I asked myself what had I changed, how did this all come about?
Then I remembered a week ago deciding, I needed God.
I started praying. I prayed that God would show me how to fit Him in to my life. Little did I realize every time I walked by that chair I would start thinking about the times I sat there and how I felt. He was leading me.
So today when everyone left, I sat in the chair.
PJs on, face not washed and hair a mess . . . I sat in the chair.
I took time to read, journal, I looked out the window, and absorbed the quiet time with God.
Oh, how I missed this.
Today was a start. Just like walking through grief. You have to take baby steps. Today I learn once again I need God. He is in control and he will lead me through this.
I must do this for me.
You must do this for YOU.
We must sit in the Grief Chair and day by day, we will get through it!
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