Everyone has heard about the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Society often assumes the stages of grief happen in order, but those who encounter grief know that’s not true. Undergoing grief can feel like riding a rollercoaster blindfolded—disorienting and chaotic. There are numerous ups, downs, and twists you wouldn’t anticipate.

Grief is like an ocean. When waves come crashing, it feels like you’re being swept away. Regardless of their size, waves are always rough. Despite everything, you also get pushed forward to the shore after every wave. Sometimes, you may feel like you are drowning while at shore. Feeling like you are so close to being okay until the tide pulls you back in. Despite the different ways society views grief, everyone experiences it in various ways.

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Grief triggers intense emotions that are abnormal to most. Whether it’s telling yourself while playing a game, “If I win this, I get my mom back,” even knowing that you won’t get her back, there’s hope. Hope that maybe I can get her back. Only to come back to reality, once again being hit with the fact that this is real. Grief is wishing that possibly your world can resume, but also hoping that everyone else’s would pause. It’s asking why everyone has moved on when you haven’t processed anything going on.

Grief is holding onto anything that was once hers. Whether it was a random shoe or a special necklace she held onto every day, it was still hers. You know for a fact that it’s unfair that you have to talk about her in the past tense, and it hurts even worse when you make the mistake of referring to her in the present tense.

When holidays come around, you feel like you’re missing something. Someone. The laugh that used to fill up the room, now absent, causes the room to feel way less full than it should feel. Every time you look back at old messages, your heart aches with the idea of saying “I love you” once again. Even just one more time, so I can be certain she knows I love her.

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Grief is longing for a touch that is no longer physically present. Have you ever experienced that longing for a touch you can no longer feel? It’s an ache in your soul, having a desire that is physically impossible to be fulfilled.

That’s the indescribable feeling of losing your mother. Your first love. Your best friend. But, you find her everywhere. Whether that’s a sunset or a sunrise you know she’s in. Or a butterfly that comes around you every so often, which reminds you of her. Maybe the car model she used to drive passes you or you spot someone in the store who looks like her from afar. Your heart forgets how to beat even after you see that it isn’t her.

But slowly, you grow around the grief. It doesn’t ever get better, you just adjust. And knowing I’ll get to see her one day makes every part of this journey worth it. I love you, Mom, to the moon and back. Like you always told me.