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You Cannot Control Seasons of Grief; You Can Only Move Through Them

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By Missy Hillmer

sad woman walking www.herviewfromhome.com — Stas Walenga/Shutterstock.com

To everything there is a season,
A time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what isplanted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance . . .
-Ecclesiastes 3:1-4

There are definitely seasons to life. I would say especially after a loss and even more so after the loss of your child. It is complicated because the seasons of grief do not go in order and many times repeat. One would think you would have a favorite season just like spring, summer, fall and winter. But with the seasons of grief there are no favorites.

Grief is confusing.
It is unpredictable.
Always changing.
Emotional.
Sad.
But happy.

We all go through it. Grief is not just associated with a child loss. It can be a job, an animal, a parent, friend, your health, or anything. It is something you are attached to that you no longer have . . . a loss. It is a season in your life.

Grief is never easy.

It does not come with a manual.

The only thing that is predictable about grief is that we will all go through it. We know there are five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. There is no guarantee the order you will go through them or how many times. The one thing we know is it will be a season of your life, or in my case, multiple seasons.

Grief is known to run the show if you let it. You cannot control grief and there is nothing normal about it. I have learned if you do not deal with grief it will deal with you. I thought I was working through my grief but then, all of a sudden, grief throw me a fast ball with two strikes and I was OUT! I was an emotional mess, I felt numb again, and my grief process started all over.

There are seasons you will feel happy, but then sad that you are feeling happy. You will be confused, emotional, depressed, anxious, scared, dazed, and that will all happen before noon. Oh, how I wish I could tell you grief will be quick and easy with no emotional rollercoaster rides. But, it is nothing like that. Each one of us will deal with grief differently. Some will turn to a counselor, a pastor, friend, or someone who has walked in their shoes. Others will turn and spiral out of control. They may start drinking, using drugs, become severely depressed, have anger issues, or just feel like they can’t live without their loved one. It is a season they are going through and with help, they will hopefully work through their losses. Unfortunately grief can be ugly and very hard to understand.

Your body will ache you will physically feel sick to the point you think there is something severely wrong. Grief disrupts your balance and causes physical pain. I remember a constant aching pain I felt in my heart the days after my son Tyler’s accident. When I went to the doctor he said the pain is from “heart break”. My heart was actually aching from losing Tyler and that was the terrible pain I was feeling! It amazes me that our bodies deals with loss in that way.

Grief will make you feel out of control, numb, and you may think you are going crazy. The night I lost my son, my normal left and my new season started.

I am here to tell you, you will get through this.

You are not going crazy.

It is OK to feel numb, it is part of the process.

You do not have to know all the answers.

Just know you have to go through the motions.

Be patient and give yourself time to grieve.

You are just going through a season.

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Missy Hillmer

Missy Hillmer is a writer, photographer, wife, mother, creative lady whose mind is constantly on the go. She loves coffee, dark chocolate especially with nuts, music soothes her soul and being outside in the sun recharges her body. She has an angel in Heaven. Her faith is what gets her through each day. Since her son Tyler’s accident she is passionate about telling her story with the hope that it will help or inspire at least one person who has lost a child.

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