I wish I could tell you how I’m feeling, I really do.
But the words get trapped in my throat, refusing to come out.
I’ve never been one to be able to put a voice to feelings. I would push them back to the dark recesses of my mind and pretend they weren’t there. But feelings have a way of building up like a volcano ready to explode.
I see you working hard to provide for us. I see your stress as you help with virtual learning, only to leave for work to add more stress to your day. I see how overwhelmed you are even though you try to hide it. I appreciate everything you do and I know I don’t tell you enough.
But I’m drowning, too. I work hard not to show it.
Mothers are viewed as the glue that holds the family together. If I fall apart, what would happen then?
I must stay strong to help everyone else when they fall apart. Be the shoulder to cry on, the venting board when they are frustrated. But my ends are fraying.
I feel myself become more undone every day. Barely holding back the tears as we go through one more week of the hated “unprecedented times.” I know everyone is suffering, but that doesn’t make it easier.
But my grip is weakening. I’m barely holding on, and less each day. I’m hanging by a thread. I’m exhausted from trying to do so much. Not once do I get a break, away from kids needing me. And the almost constant fighting and screaming, I just can’t take any more.
But my patience is wearing thin. It’s not what it once was. I notice myself getting mad at little things, or annoyed when I hear “Mo-om” for the millionth time. If I see it there, I can only imagine how everyone else is seeing it, which then leads to the infamous mom guilt.
But I’m losing myself.
I can’t remember the last time I had alone time. And I’m not talking about the 20 minutes I get when I shower (and if we’re honest, many times one kid or another comes in). I’m talking about true alone time. We all need that sometimes. I haven’t gotten any since this whole thing began, except a few grocery store trips, if we’re counting those.
I know you only go to work then come home. But do you know how much I would give for that right now? Even for a few hours where I don’t hear “Mom” a hundred times in a matter of minutes. Where I don’t have to break up fight after fight. Where I could go to the bathroom in peace without someone knocking on the door or barging in.
I know there’s not much we can do right now, in this age of social distancing. But please hear what I cannot say because I’m slowly losing my mind.
Encourage me to go for a walk alone while you watch the kids. Or go for a drive where I can listen to my music with no one complaining. Or even lock myself in our bedroom so I can watch a show or movie I’ve been longing to see.
I know I try to do too much. I know I should ask you for help. But since I can’t, please try to help me help myself.
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