I have avoided this subject because, well it is very painful. And scary. And the one thing that could very well break me. My boys. My sons. My sweet, innocent, loving boys. Divorce. Combine them and it hurts. Their dad and I are united in raising them together. Right now, we agree on how we are shaping, disciplining, and loving them. But our futures are not together as a couple. Each of us are moving on in our separate lives. Jobs, friends, homes, significant others, and one day spouses. I am okay with that. I have grieved that. It is that other person creating memories, relationships, and a family with my sons that knocks me down stealing my heart and breath.
Please don’t judge me too quickly. The more people who love my boys the better. I will not hold anything back from my children, especially not love. I am just not ready to share them. It hurts. So terribly bad. At times the pain is agonizing. I can’t even describe it right. However, I knew this day would come. And it has. Occurring more and more everyday where I have to share them. I become overwhelmed with this crazed feeling of keeping them close to me. Tucked into my arms. Laying on my breast. Next to my heart. I don’t want to go anywhere. We are in our own little world. Just us three. The Three Musketeers. No one else. I desperately want to keep the world out. Far away. Far away from my whole world. My T & G. Keeping them from everything and everyone.
But I don’t. I send them off. Off to create moments of joy, fun, and love with someone else. Yes, I know. I know no other woman will replace me as their mother. Or if she is even trying to. Yet it feels like it. Just like I feel like I was replaced as the partner, the lover, the person. The four of them doing ordinary things. Movies, bowling, park time, celebrating dad’s birthday, their birthdays. Holding them when they are sick. Wiping away tears. Making them laugh. Lunch dates. Holidays. Little and big things. Moments at one time I was doing. With all of them. It was how I saw the rest of my life. It was how I wanted to do the rest of my life.
The pain is deep into my soul. The pain of losing my husband is going away. But this. This pain never will. I will carry it with me always. And I know it will never lessen. I formed these two little people in me. They have heard my heart beat from the inside. They are my heart. For the last five and a half years, everything I have done is for them. To make them feel loved, valued, secured. This is why I do what I do. I let some other woman love my children. Not that I ever had a choice. However, I have a choice in how I make my children feel. She might not be the only one. For as long as she is, I will never forbid or withhold a relationship my boys may have. I want my children to remember the good and joyous memories of childhood. I do not want them to associate their youth only as divorce, especially their parents’ divorce. With anxiety, cruelty, stress, and hate. I do not want their childhood marred with those. Unfortunately, the world will give them too much of this in life. They are young babes. I want them to remain innocent and safe as long as I can.
Therefore, I will take it all on me. I know I can’t protect them and shield them forever. I wish I could. Nevertheless, I will do it as long as I can. I will hold my head high. I will be gracious. I will be kind. I don’t want to hate someone that cares for my children. Or their dad. I don’t want to teach my boys what that looks like. I want them to see no matter what the situation is, what happens to you, or how someone treats you, you can be better. They are in control of how they treat others. How they react. How they live their life. Life isn’t easy. Love isn’t easy. Parenthood isn’t easy. But it is worthy. It is worth the pain and suffering. It is worth doing everyday. Even when it breaks you. Even when it doesn’t go as planned. Even when it is so hard that continuing on seems impossible. Even if you don’t get want you want and what your heart desires. I want to teach and show my sons how to do all of that with grace and dignity.
I will put a smile on my face. I will send them off. I will interact with her and him. Even though I am crying on the inside. Even though my broken heart crumbles. Even though the pain is radiating in my body and stealing my breath. Even though it feels like my world is gone. Even though it is the hardest thing I will do in this divorce. And maybe my life.
My love for my sons is great enough to let them be loved.