I don’t have an old Bible.

I haven’t had this blue, leather-bound Bible since I was a child. It didn’t follow me through college, stowed away in my backpack. It’s not covered in sticky notes, highlighter, and colored pen. Nobody presented this Bible to me on my birthday or graduation. There is no heartfelt inscription on the front dedication page. Just my name, hastily written in black ink.

I don’t have an old Bible.

The leather is not weathered or worn by years of devoted quiet time. The binding isn’t creased or cracked. There are no sun-bleached spots on the deep, navy cover. It’s not soft and buttery, aged from years of being grasped tightly in prayer. I’ve not spilled tea all over its fragile, fluttery pages. It hasn’t been my trusted partner to dozens of Bible studies and women’s ministry conferences.

I don’t have an old Bible.

Not yet.

I plucked this Bible off the shelf of a Barnes & Noble as a young, 30-something mom. I figured it was the next step in my faith walk, and I better do the work. And I heard the NIV is way easier to understand than King James. What exactly did NIV mean? I wasn’t sure, but I was going to find out.

I admit, my fresh new Bible sat on the shelf for months, untouched and collecting dust. I started and stopped and faltered in my understanding of how to actually use this gift. It felt foreign and mysterious, something I didn’t deserve to know. Other moms had beautifully worn and hefty Bibles they carried hooked under their elbows or in trendy tote bags. They knew the language of church and how to unlock the secrets.

I felt ignorant and ashamed by the freshness of my little Bible. Looking back, I want to hug my younger self and remind her of the truth. 

You are not doing this wrong. You are right where God has called you.

I may not have an old Bible, but as I learn more about the heart and nature of Jesus, I am transformed by His Word. 

I may not have an old Bible, but I do know where to turn for answers and truth.

I may not have an old Bible, but I can study with my sisters and lean in over coffee and conversation.

I may not have an old Bible, but God is faithful. 

I know He sees my newish Bible, my growing faith and my open heart. Someday, I hope this blue leather Bible will become weathered from years of my learning and leaning into Jesus.

I pray I will change through the years, too. Maybe then, I can greet the new mom standing in the bookstore aisle or sitting awkwardly alone at a Bible study. I’ll remind her and myself that faith is not a race and God knows our hearts, always.

You may also like: 

To the Distracted Mom at Church: It’s Worth It

It’s OK to Show Your Kids Imperfect Faith

I Want My Kids To See Me Seeking Jesus

Erin Ammons

I’m an Enneagram type 7 married to a very patient type 5. We have two, spirited little girls and love our Friday pizza/movie nights. I am a photographer, writer, and chronic day-dreamer. My goal is to encourage moms to unfriend their inner mean girl and find joy in their everyday.