Motherhood is a funny thing; it’s beautiful and mystical. Knowing you could love something – someONE so much is astounding. When you first learn you are about to become a mom, something in you grows (well obviously right?) but seriously, somewhere deep inside of you there is this shift; this change that can only be expressed as excitement and wonderment. You anxiously anticipate the arrival of your bundle of love; excitedly awaiting every minute of motherhood. You get the nursery all decked out, buy way too many clothes, have a lavish baby shower thrown for you, and constantly take weekly pictures updating the progress of your growing bump.
Then you get pregnant with your second (depending on how soon after you had the first you are either extremely panicked or excited) and you can’t wait to see how your oldest is going to react to being an older sibling. Although you wonder how you are going to juggle two little lives, you are overall excited about the joys that come with raising siblings.
Then you get pregnant with your third and you’re thinking – HOLY SH…..! WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE!? Well maybe not – but that’s where I fell on the spectrum of, “1-10 how excited are you to have this baby?” You see, for the longest time I was in a state of denial. I think that stage lasted the longest. We got pregnant so quickly after having our second (8 months to be exact) that we were just not even in the baby making mindset. Do you know what I mean? We had just bought a house the day before (for goodness sakes); we were not ready to bring another human into the world. But there we were, one more bun in the oven and two children, 2 and under. To say that I was slightly overwhelmed is a GINORMOUS understatement.
This pregnancy has been the strangest for me for many reasons but one thing stands out above the rest – simply put – I am just not excited to have this baby. I know that sounds awful and so “un-motherly” of me but it’s the truth. Selfishly, I wasn’t ready to give up my life yet again. I had just gotten settled in somewhat of a routine and life was going great. We were moving into our new home, fixing it up along the way, my blogging career was beginning to take off and I was really settling into my life with two.
I was not ready for this curve ball.
For the longest time I didn’t even mention the baby, not on purpose, I was just too busy to recognize that there was a human being growing in my overly fertile womb; until one day, (quite recently) I was talking to a friend about how I needed to get a dresser for the new baby when she stopped me. “Well at least now your actually recognizing that you’re having a baby!” She chuckled. And then it hit me – she was totally right. I had barely ever mentioned having this baby! So much so that my friends had even noticed! YIKES! Talk about mommy guilt.
It was then that I realized how important it was that I come to grips with this impending due date. Because regardless of how busy I am, this baby is coming and there “ain’t nothin’ I can do about it!”
I’m still extremely scared. I sit here now and cringe at the thought of how much my life is going to change. There is so much I’m not ready to give up. I had all these “plans” for this next year of my life – big plans and none of them had to do with nursing and caring for a baby. God’s funny like that though, isn’t He? Just when we think we have it all together…BAM! He comes knocking on our door at the most “inconvenient” time of day. Everyone keeps reassuring me that once I see this baby my love for him/her is going to overflow just like it did for the two before and deep down I know it will. So for now, I’m just clinging to that promise and believing that this is all apart of His master plan.
Have any of you other momma’s ever felt this way? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!