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Four. The number of kids I imagined in my future family. 

Three. The number I had when the doctor said, “No more babies for you.”

I tell myself to be grateful for the three healthy kids I have, it’s a whole lot more than some people get.

But there’s still a sadness inside of me that it wasn’t a choice I got to make. 

HELLP syndrome in my first pregnancy led to an emergent C-section. Hypertension and a thin uterine scar robbed me of my dream VBAC on my second pregnancy.

RELATED: I’m Allowed to be Disappointed in my Birth Story

After yet another complicated pregnancy, my third and final C-section revealed a dangerous amount of scar tissue. 

Part of me is OK with it. My pregnancies were far from textbook and easy. C-sections are hard to recover from.

Surely I will be able to move on an enjoy my big kids?

But there’s something about that sweet newborn smell. The sleepy, milk-drunk smiles. The quiet midnight feedings. Even the infant car seat sitting in my storage room that brings longings to my heart. 

It’s hard to let go of that season. The season of new motherhood that practically defined me for several years. 

RELATED: I’m Done Having Babies—Now What?

Maybe it’s a good thing that someone else made the decision of moving on for me.

Because I don’t know if I ever would have been able to make it for myself. 

So, here’s to passing on the copious amounts of baby clothes and items. Here’s to gradually higher levels of independence. Here’s to watching my big kids grow and learn new things every day. Here’s to not having to pack everyone and their stuff into the car by myself!

Here’s to finding joy in every season even when it’s hard to let go. 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

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Kamrie Smith

Kamrie is a rancher’s wife, a mom of two girls, and an EMT. In her free time she enjoys horseback rides in the Montana mountains, coffee walks with friends, playing with her girls, and jotting down thoughts to share with others.

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