I Still Need My Mom

I used to think there would come a day when I would not need my mother so much.

Not because I planned to drift away, but because adulthood looked like independence. I imagined being steady enough to handle things on my own. Confident enough. Grown enough.

But life has shown me something very different.

There are questions that only feel answerable once I have heard her voice. Not because she always knows the solution, but because she knows me.

She knows the way my thoughts run in circles, the way I hold things inside, the way I try to be strong even when I am tired.

She knows the little laugh I use when I am trying not to cry.

So I call her.

Sometimes it is about dinner or laundry or how to help a child who is overwhelmed and crying on the floor.

Sometimes it is because I drove home in silence and realized I just needed someone to sit in the quiet with me.

Sometimes it is because my heart is heavy and I do not want to pretend that I am fine.

And she answers.

Not perfectly.
Not always with the right words.
But with presence.
With steadiness.
With love that has had years to learn who I am.

I thought growing up meant needing her less.
But it has meant learning why I needed her in the first place.

Not for knowledge.
Not for instruction.
Not for direction.

But for connection.
For the reminder that I am not alone in this world.
For the safety of someone who sees every version of me and stays.

Now I look at my own children.
Their small hands reaching for me.
Their voices calling my name before they even know what they need.

Right now, I am their answer for almost everything.
One day, I will not be.
One day, they will have their own lives, their own worries, their own stories.

But I hope when that day comes, they will remember how it felt to be held.
How it felt to be listened to.
How it felt to be welcomed without needing to earn it.

I hope they will call me.

Not because they cannot do life on their own, but because they know they do not have to.

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Articles by Megan Kewaza

Megan Kewaza

Megan Kewaza has been a missionary in Russia, India, and Uganda. She has written curricula, blogs, and articles that highlight trauma-competent caregiving, living out the Christian faith, and motherhood. Her heart is for her readers to feel understood, represented, and accepted. Megan and her Ugandan husband, Emmanuel, share their home in Knoxville, Tennessee with their two children, Josiah and Rebecca. Together, they have founded an organization that seeks to empower Ugandan parents so they can provide for the children in their care. You can learn more at causeuganda.org.

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