I have experienced the miracle of feeling life move within me.

I have felt the pain and devastation of carrying a life I’d never have the chance to meet.

Nothing prepared me for the bittersweet feeling of experiencing both at the same time.

Celebrating the beating heart of one baby while mourning the stillness of the other.

Wishing to not see a reminder of what you’ve lost but knowing that would be detrimental to what you still have.

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Catching glimpses as your ultrasound tech tries to quickly zoom past to not cause you more pain. 

Knowing what you both saw but neither of you wanting to mention it in an attempt to keep the room from feeling so heavy.

Giving birth to a beautiful baby boy and despite feeling so blessed feeling a whisper of grief in the room. 

Watching him grow these last few months, I’m beginning to realize that the whisper will likely always be there.

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Right now it’s first smiles, but one day it will be the first dance. At every milestone, I will be reminded that it was supposed to be two.

This is what it feels like to carry life and death.  It doesn’t end with delivery but lives on in the moments meant for two.