Dear little blue-eyed love of my life

Our eyes locked at 5:59 a.m. just over three years ago. Your first high-pitched, confused cry brought tears to your dad’s and my eyes. It was the most beautiful sound we had ever heard. That was the last time a cry from you made us feel happy.

It hasn’t started yet, but it will. Soon other kids won’t want to play with you, will take your things, will say mean things. You may not be included on the playground or in certain groups. You will cry that confused cry again and wonder why they don’t like you. I won’t have a good answer so Mommy will cry, too.

One day a girl you love won’t feel the same anymore and she will point out a flaw of yours to make her point. She will break your heart and those blue eyes will fill with tears. You will question the existence of love and ask me why it has to hurt so much. I won’t have a good answer so Mommy will cry, too.

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One day you’ll will drop the football or miss a free throw and the crowd will make you feel worthless. You will wonder how a split-second reaction can let you down so much. You will want to quit and ask me how something so fun can make you feel so horrible. I won’t have a good answer so Mommy will cry, too.

One day you will get sick or hurt and the pain may bring you to tears. You will wonder how our bodies can betray us and make us feel so awful at times. I won’t have a good answer so Mommy will cry, too.

One day I will be gone. If I have done my job as a parent, you will cry then. Death is bittersweet because crying and missing someone means you had good memories of them. I want us to have those memories.

But Mommy is here to tell you that the tears haven’t and won’t all be bad. God willing, one day you will have a screaming, brand-new baby and his or her first cry will bring tears to your eyes, too. Watching your child being born will remind you there is still good and innocence in the world.

One day you will watch that baby walk through the door of a kindergarten classroom and not look back and you will cry tears of pride. Watching that will remind you there is a purpose for you in this life.

Hopefully you will find the love of your life in a partner and watching her succeed brings tears to your eyes. Watching your love grow through sacrifices and making memories together will remind you love still can exist. 

Looking around a crowded room filled with loved ones celebrating an accomplishment of yours can make you cry, too. Maybe it’s your graduation, wedding, retirement from a job you have put your all into. Watching this will remind you there is a whole community of people who love and support you.

Sometimes the beauty of the world can be so exquisite that just the fact of being alive can make you cry. Remembering that life is so painfully short and that every second is a gift is enough.

So, my son, there will be many times we both cry, and maybe, just maybe, we will realize that tears aren’t always such a bad thing.

Love,
Mommy

Originally published on the author’s blog

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Kelly Houseman

Kelly Houseman is a mental health counselor who maintains a private practice in Michigan. She is the mom of a toddler son and a brand-new baby girl. You can follow her career and family adventures on her blog Kelly's Reality or on Instagram.com @KellysReality.