Dear Papa,

Where have you departed to?

I can still feel your presence in every room of the house you called home for the last 30-odd years of your life. Your very being permeates every nook and cranny of your former home.

I fully appreciate why Mom feels so at peace here, as it feels as if your spirit is still very much alive and well. It is almost as if you are still with us and never left.

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We can pretend you are peacefully napping on your favorite couch in the living room or resting upstairs in the master bedroom suite.

When I close my eyes, I can picture you clearly in my mind. Walking through your house, I am transported to a time and place long forgotten.

Every room evokes vivid memories of you — some good and some not so good. Hostility, pain, and anger are the emotions that come to mind when I think of our arguments and quarrels over the years.

I feel deep regret and profound sadness that I will never express to you how I wish circumstances could have been different between us.

However, I know I can also bask in the laughter and warm memories of a time gone by, despite the sad knowledge that I will never see you again.

I will always treasure the precious moments we shared, both together and as a family. Sadly, we will never all be together again.

I will especially cherish the long walks I took with you as a little girl in Brazil and how you regaled me with stories of identical counterparts in parallel universes. We would browse the aisles at our local bakery or go window shopping downtown.

I have such fond memories of watching television programs with you. It was our special time together, as we were the only family members interested in particular genres of shows.

Growing up, I was fortunate to accompany you to numerous movies since Mom was always occupied with the little ones and never had much interest in films.

Finally, I will never forget how ecstatic you were when your grandchildren were born and how much joy and happiness they brought to you over the years.

I could see by the way your eyes lit up when you were with them that you genuinely enjoyed spending every moment you could with them.

You were the best grandfather a child could ever ask for. You spoiled your grandchild rotten — and then some.

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I wish you could have enjoyed your final years. I wish you could have lived even a little bit longer, enjoying life to the fullest like you once did.

It was sad to see you as a shadow of your former self. Gone was the dynamic, confident man we all knew — replaced with a man I did not recognize as being my father.

I wish things had not ended the way they did for you. Regrettably, nothing can ever come from my wishes.

As you liked to say, If wishes were horses, beggars would ride.

Your loving daughter,

Originally published on Medium

B.R. Shenoy

B.R. Shenoy is a married mother of two. She is a biochemistry and chemical toxicology, M.S. She is a former expat in Brazil, France, and Japan. She is a regular writer for The Good Men Project. Her work has also appeared in Scary Mommy, Positively Positive, and Idle Inks. She is a blogger on Medium and Vocal Media.