If You Give A Mom A Baby

If you give a mom a baby, she’s going to ask for a cup of hot coffee.

When you give her the cup of hot coffee, she will probably take one sip, then set it down on the counter.

She will set it down because the baby will start to cry so she will ask for the baby’s pacifier.

Then she will want to walk around the house bouncing and shushing the baby.

She will probably walk by a mirror.

When she looks in the mirror, she might notice her hair hasn’t been washed in four days, so she will probably ask for a hair tie.

After she throws her hair into a messy bun, she will probably notice the spit up on her t-shirt. She’ll get carried away and decide to gather up all the dirty clothes in the house to start some laundry. She may even move the laundry she keeps forgetting is in the washer, to the dryer.

When she is done, she’ll probably want to take a nap, but haha, let’s see how this works out. You will have to place a pillow and blanket on the couch, she’ll crawl in, make herself comfortable, but then the baby will start crying again.

She’ll probably ask you to find the TV remote for her. So you’ll turn the TV to Bravo, while she cluster feeds the baby. When the baby finally falls asleep, she will look down and get so excited she will probably want to do something crazy . . . like, take a shower.

She’ll take a shower. But before she can shave her other leg, you will come walking into the bathroom with a screaming baby and say, “Honey, do you know what’s wrong with him?”

Unfortunately, she also never got around to washing her hair, which means she will need . . . dry shampoo.

She will stand there, looking at you, catching a peek of herself in the mirror, feeling pretty exhausted . . . then, she will look down and see her cup of coffee. She will take a sip; go figure, it is cold.

And chances are, she will ask to take the still-crying baby, and she is going to want a cup of hot coffee to go with it.

Originally published on the author’s blog

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