I dreamt of little babies sleeping on my chest, toddlers running around, T-ball games, and dance recitals. I dreamt of being a stay-at-home mom and being able to be completely involved in my children’s lives. I would daydream of these things in my office before we had children, what seems like a lifetime ago.

My dreams came true. I am now a stay-at-home mother to four beautiful children.

If this is my dream, why is it so hard?

Why do I feel like at times I want to just sit alone and stare at the wall? I am so grateful I am able to stay home with my children, I really am, but sometimes I really wish I could just go and do something without them.

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Then, the guilt sets in.

I feel guilty thinking that, for being touched out, or needing a break because this was indeed what I longed for. How can I not want these sweet little babies in my lap, to play a game with my son, or not want to watch my daughters dance for the millionth time?

I’m going to miss this someday, I know that.

It’s just a lot.

I cannot ever finish a task, let alone a complete thought, without being interrupted with a snack request or a cry to be held and or nursed.

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Motherhood is a rollercoaster—there are moments I just sit and stare at these beautiful children my husband and I made and thank God they’re mine. Other moments I text my husband asking what time he is coming home because I want to run away—it’s one thing after another and I just can’t deal anymore. It’s OK. I know it’s OK to feel like this sometimes.

After those moments pass and one of the kids tells me something they learned at school so proudly or one of the babies does something so adorable my heart could melt, I come to and realize once again that my dreams did come true. I’m living my dream, and for that I am grateful. I just need a break sometimes.