One out of four American women miscarry their baby.
That is one fourth.
I had three miscarriages.
The first one happened at 13 weeks gestation. I gave birth the night of my 28th birthday. For a long time I avoided celebrating my birthday at all.
The second miscarriage was a blighted ovum.
I didn’t know what that was until my doctor explained to me that the gestational sac only contained a placenta, but no baby. I was baffled and wanted to get rid of the empty sac as soon as possible, but it continued to grow in my uterus sending out pregnancy hormones that made me believe I was pregnant when I really wasn’t.
My doctor advised against a D&C, so that we wouldn’t scar my uterus.
Subsequently, I was induced to get rid of it.
My third one, I was pregnant with twins.
While I was in Chemistry class, I had a hotflash followed by a gush of warm fluid in my underpants. I went to the bathroom to confirm my suspicion and without saying anything to my professor, I drove to the hospital. My doctor confirmed one twin was aborting. I had hope we could save the other, but by the next day they both gushed right out of me.
I am 1 in 4 and these losses have changed me.
I am not the same person, woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, and aunt you once knew.
I am softer. Some say, I am an introvert now.
Sometimes my soul makes my body ache. I want to help others, but often have to walk away, overwhelmed with my own emotions.
Although I am blessed to be an aunt to many, stepmom to two adult kids, and mom to two small children, I’ve always said, “I have more love to give than children to give it to.” My heart must have grown through it all.
I look the same, but I am different.
In a way, I am stronger and I know now, it was a long, difficult, and often sad road for good reason.
It was the road less traveled and yet, it was my path to motherhood.
Allowing myself to do more of what I love and do less of what is expected of me, took a while to manifest, but I am grateful. I thank God each day for blessing me with my family. For allowing me to grow more patient, so that I can be a better mom to the children I got to keep. I am working on saying, “no” more often for my own well-being and while I am not the one you once knew, I am still here. . .
waiting for new dreams to come true while watching my beautiful children grow.