My baby,

If you only knew why I hold on a little longer than I should when you hug me. It’s because I want the feeling of your sweet little body in my arms to be implanted in my brain. I want to remember these moments, your size, your littleness. So sometimes I hold on longer than I should.

If you only knew why I say I love you so much. It’s because I want you to know it to your core. I never want you to question whether or not you are loved. No matter where you are or what you do, I want you to hear your mama’s voice saying I love you in your mind.

If you only knew why I sometimes have tears in my eyes when you catch me looking at you. It’s because I am in awe of you. I find myself in tears often as I thank the Lord for you.

If only you knew why you sometimes drive me crazy. It’s because I want the best life for you. I want you to be the happiest you can be, and sometimes your mama thinks she knows the best way to make that happen, although you may not always agree. 

If you only knew why I get sad saying goodbye to you, even if it’s just for a little bit. It’s because I see your face when I leave and I know you like having your mama with you. I know a day will come when you won’t always want me around, so while you still do, I get sad saying goodbye. And I always will. 

If only you knew why I can’t stop myself from giving you kisses. It’s because your little face and giggle make my heart melt. Sometimes giving you kisses is all I know to do in those moments.

If only you knew why I feel such a heavy sense of grief sometimes. It’s because you are growing so fast and there is absolutely nothing I can do to slow it down. 

If you only knew, my child.

I do what I do because my love for you is beyond measurable and you are the greatest joy of my life. So sometimes I do things just so I can try to be a little more in the moment, because I don’t want these moments to pass by and not appreciate them. 

It might not make sense right now. But someday, if you are blessed with babies of your own, you’ll understand a little better as to why. 

You will know then why Mom did what she did. 

And you’ll do it, too.

You may also like: 

Motherhood is Wanting Our Babies to Grow Up—But Also Stay Little

Don’t Let Me Forget Their Littleness

Dear Son, When You No Longer Want Kisses From Mama

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Kelli Bachara

Kelli is a mental health therapist, momma to two (one currently cooking in the womb), and wife to an amazing man with a cool name, Rocco. Kelli loves 90s pop rock, Hallmark Christmas movies, her dog Winnie, and Jesus (in reverse order).