I didn’t see the anxiety coming for me until I had already been swept away in its current.

At first, it was just a subtle change in my emotions. The little parts of everyday life as a mama of littles left me flustered and overwhelmed. Soon, the emotional struggle turned into physical signs of stress as panic attacks, chest pain, and heart palpitations began to sneak their way into my routine.

By the time my precious baby girl turned two months old, I was struggling. Bad. This must just be what it’s like to have three kids, I told myself. You’ll adjust.

But I didn’t.

Instead, I convinced myself that since I didn’t have all of the telltale signs of depression, there wasn’t anything wrong.

There were no thoughts of self harm, nor did I feel the hopelessness I’ve heard described by others. I bonded with my sweet baby and continued to feel overwhelming love toward my other children. I made plans with my husband and dreamt about our future together.

And yet . . . the symptoms of anxiety were crippling.

Slowly, I felt the joy draining from my motherhood.

There were days when I struggled to get out of bed. To be productive. To breathe; the tightness in my chest stealing my ability to function.

My irritability was off the charts; I had to talk myself through each and every interaction with my kids and husband so I wouldn’t snap at them for no good reason. Too often, I still did.

The loudness that walks hand-in-hand with motherhood was just too much. The sound of a too-loud TV, or a repetitive toy, or a squealing toddler made me cringe. I couldn’t seem to get a moment of peace. The constant over-stimulus of tiny hands, tiny voices, and tiny needs suffocated me.

A stream of irrational worries and what ifs kept me awake at night.
A simple mess or spill had the power to send me into a full-on panic attack.

All of these things—which had only been minor inconveniences before—suddenly consumed me. I felt incapable of being the mom, wife, and friend I wanted to be, the one I knew I was deep down.

The nagging tightness in my chest screamed for attention, but I pushed my own mental health to the back burner the way moms do when they’re so busy caring for their families. After all, their needs were more important than mine, right?

I didn’t realize how bad things had gotten until one afternoon, I came across a video I had taken of my sons a year before. I could hear myself in the background somewhere, giggling at their goofiness. A lump rose in my throat; I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt that kind of easy joy.

Here’s the thing: we talk a lot about postpartum depression (as we should)—but we need to talk to mamas about postpartum anxiety, too, so they’re not blindsided like I was. I had heard of it, sure, but I had no idea what a beast it could be.

That video on my phone? It saved me.

It reminded me who I was before. And once I saw it, I couldn’t unsee it. The relaxed way I used to laugh with my husband. How I once played so happily with my kids.

I wanted all of that back. I wanted to live my best life. I wanted to be that woman again.

And that’s where this moment finds me; in the waiting room of my O.B., filling out the postpartum anxiety and depression survey for the fifth time since I had my baby . . . only this time, I’m answering the questions honestly.

I’m not coming to you from the other side of the struggle; I’m coming to you from the middle. The “fix” won’t happen overnight. This road may be long and windy and it’ll likely take more than one chance to get it right . . . but I will get it right.

For my kids.
For my husband.
But most of all, for me.

I don’t know how this journey ends, but I can confidently tell you how it doesn’t end. It doesn’t end with me standing by while this monster of anxiety ruins me. Here—in this doctor’s office—I’m ready to begin my fight.

I refuse to let postpartum anxiety steal the joy of my motherhood.

You may also like: 

My Anxiety Makes Me Feel Like I Fail Over and Over Again

Mom Anger: Taming the Beast Inside

The Lies of Anxiety—and the Truth You Need to Hear

Want more stories of love, family, and faith from the heart of every home, delivered straight to you? Sign up here!

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Casey Huff

Casey is Creative Director for Her View From Home. She's mom to three amazing kiddos and wife to a great guy. It's her mission as a writer to shed light on the beauty and chaos of life through the lenses of motherhood, marriage, and mental health. To read more, go hang out with Casey at: Facebook: Casey Huff Instagram: @casey.e.huff

Instead of Counting Down the Days until My Soldier Came Home, I Counted My Blessings

In: Motherhood
Mother and two children holding "welcome home" signs next to soldier daddy, color photo

It was a relatively mild morning in October—cool even, considering we were in the middle of the Mojave Desert. We stood atop a concrete amphitheater overlooking a grass field in the middle of the small USMC installation known as Twenty-Nine Palms. All the unit’s seabags were lined up in neat rows, each one stuffed to bursting. John held our daughter Eleanor who had just woken up from a nap in her infant carrier. Blearily, she looked around and then smiled when John paused his conversation with some of his friends to coo at her. I sat with our son Sawyer...

Keep Reading

I Am an Adult with Autism

In: Living, Motherhood
Mother and three children in wildflowers, color photo

Thirty years. That’s how long it took for me to get the right diagnoses. Thirty years. Of struggles. Of shame. Of depression and anxiety. Of bullying. All without knowing the true causes and what was really going on. I never would have believed you if you told me a few years ago that I was autistic. It wasn’t until all three of my children were diagnosed with autism that I started to see the similarities and begin to question. At first, I thought there was no way. Wouldn’t I have known by now? It just can’t be. So I threw...

Keep Reading

I Hope My Daughter Loves Her Future Mother-in-Law

In: Motherhood
Bride holding mother's hands

I’m a proud boy mom. I catch bugs, I catch balls (in the house), and I try my best to catch my boys’ every fall. I love it. I love being a boy mom. There is one part I don’t like: everyone telling me they will leave as soon as they meet “the one,” and their wife’s family will push my husband and I out of the picture. “A boy is yours ‘til he finds a wife, a daughter’s your daughter all her life.” I’d heard it too many times from older moms who chuckle as if the rhyming covers...

Keep Reading

Adoptive Parents-To-Be Deserve to Be Celebrated Too

In: Motherhood
Couple making heart with hands

My husband and I are on a very exciting journey—we are in the process of adopting our first child! Wow, we are stoked beyond words. Albeit we are on the front end of the journey at this point (as in just now about to complete our home study). Yet we are knee-deep and in the thick of it all. After struggling with infertility for about two years and many doctors’ appointments later, it became clear that natural conception is not how we will become parents. We never thought we would encounter infertility. Infertility has been hard and a grieving process...

Keep Reading

I’m Thankful for the Community We’ve Found

In: Friendship, Living, Motherhood
Community on street having a picnic

It was the end of the school holidays, and the return to school after Christmas was looming. The children had had two weeks at home. The general sense of routine was lost for the boys, with late nights and relaxing days watching YouTube while playing their Switch. I was eager for routine to make a reappearance through school. As we headed into the weekend before the start of school, Josh had a cough and then a fever, and it became clear this would not be the week I had envisioned. By Monday morning the boys appeared more lethargic than usual,...

Keep Reading

Our Kids Need Us as Much as We Need Them

In: Kids, Motherhood
Little boy sitting on bench with dog nearby, color photo

During a moment of sadness last week, my lively and joyful toddler voluntarily sat with me on the couch, holding hands and snuggling for a good hour. This brought comfort and happiness to the situation. At that moment, I realized sometimes our kids need us, sometimes we need them, and sometimes we need each other at the same time. Kids need us. From the moment they enter the world, infants express their needs through tiny (or loud) cries. Toddlers need lots of cuddling as their brains try to comprehend black, white, and all the colors of the expanding world around...

Keep Reading

Your Kids Don’t Need More Things, They Need More You

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Mother and young girl smiling together at home

He reached for my hand and then looked up. His sweet smile and lingering gaze flooded my weary heart with much-needed peace. “Thank you for taking me to the library, Mommy! It’s like we’re on a date! I like it when it’s just the two of us.” We entered the library, hand in hand, and headed toward the LEGO table. As I began gathering books nearby, I was surprised to feel my son’s arms around me. He gave me a quick squeeze and a kiss with an “I love you, Mommy” before returning to his LEGO—three separate times. My typically...

Keep Reading

Take it from a Mom Who’s Been There: It Gets Easier

In: Motherhood
Mother with teen daughter embracing and smiling outside

My view from home is changing as my oldest is now married and my youngest is wrapping up his college career. But dear mom of little ones and even those not-so-little ones, I want you to know that I remember. I remember the side-eyes and the judging glances from older moms as I juggled toddlers doing their toddler thing. All these years later, I still feel the harshness of their stings. I remember the gloom and doom declarations of “Just wait until they turn three, or ten, or thirteen . . .” Those almost gleefully delivered little quips that made...

Keep Reading

This is How to Support Miscarriage Moms

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Woman with arm around another woman sitting in field

When you hear the term miscarriage, what do you think? My initial thought was the loss of an unborn child, but have you ever really wondered what truly happens when you are having a miscarriage? Our first miscarriage occurred immediately after our wedding in 2019, we had a chemical pregnancy after conceiving while on our honeymoon. This means we had a positive pregnancy test, but by the time we got to our OB/GYN, I had the heaviest period of my life, resulting in a negative serum pregnancy test. That was hard enough to go through but was nothing compared to...

Keep Reading

Mom, Will You Pray With Me?

In: Faith, Motherhood
Little girl praying, profile shot

“Will you pray with me?” This is a question I hear daily from my 9-year-old. Her worried heart at times grips her, making it difficult for her to fall asleep or nervous to try something new. Her first instinct is to pray with Mom. Perhaps this is because of how many times her Dad and I have told her that God is with her, that she is never alone, and that she can always come to Him in prayer and He will answer. Perhaps it is because she has seen her Dad and I lean on the Lord in times...

Keep Reading