Pre-Order So God Made a Mother

You recently turned 21—a milestone age. Yes, at 18 you became an adult, but at 21 you now have full benefits and more is expected of you. Since you are my youngest, this is a milestone for me, too, so I’m doing some extra reflecting.

Among other things, I’m realizing that as the “baby” of the family, you got the best of me and the worst of me and I’m learning that we are not as different as I used to think.

When you arrived, I had already experienced 10 years of my body not being fully my own. To be honest, when you were born I was pretty close to being “touched out”. While I loved the early days and cherished your little fingers grasping mine and your small hand gently patting my chest as I held you, I also longed for the days when I could simply “be”—alone. Perhaps this made me consider you needier than your siblings, rather than see your inability to recognize personal space as being developmentally appropriate.

Though as babies and toddlers, photos of you and I were indistinguishable—even Grandpa once insisted a photo of you was me—the similarities stopped there. And as you grew into your own person, I couldn’t possibly see us being any more different.

From the start, you were all girl: you loved dresses and heels and wrinkled your nose at sweats and t-shirts. Up until high school, I had to be wrangled into a dress and preferred bare feet to any shoes at all. You have always taken pride in your appearance and always look put-together. Even when you’re heading to the gym, your clothing, hair, makeup are all “on point”. My style is, well, let’s say minimalistic.

I was a firstborn, a solitary child, content to occupy my time alone; you, my last born, found solitary play almost impossible. In hindsight, perhaps this has something to do with the fact that you were born into a family where there was constant activity, in a house frequently occupied by much more than its four permanent child residents. I never considered this when I bemoaned your need to always be busy. From the time you started school, you were always surrounded by a group of friends and your social activities included the whole group. I never had more than a few friends at a time and most of my social life was one-on-one.

But as you grew older and away from me, I started to notice we weren’t so different after all.

It has been disconcerting at times to see parallels, both in our thoughts and some of the things we have chosen to do. There have been so many times I’ve silently mouthed, “Me too,” fearing that saying it out loud would change our dynamic and chase you away. Some days you remind me so much of my younger self (that girl I’d almost forgotten existed) that it’s a bit scary. In recent years, we’ve grown apart, yet strangely together at the same time.

Living apart has changed our everyday routines, but when we are back together, once again our personal bubbles merge and separate as we struggle to hold on yet let go. Yet now it’s you more than me seeking that separation and me trying to hold on, for just a little while longer. These days we’re both finding ourselves, seeking our place, working out our next chapter in life.

Though you are not my first (or second or third) child to grow up, you (like your siblings) are still teaching me what it means to be a mom. As your grandma is fond of telling me, this job never ends, it just changes. And though I see a little of myself in each of my children, with you, I keep finding more.

Somehow this keeps surprising me. Maybe because I’m still learning about who you are. Since you had to share me (even if begrudgingly) with your siblings your entire life, “you and me” time was limited; we didn’t share many interests until recently. Perhaps this is why I have been caught off guard, pondering: how did you grow up to be so much like me?

You may also like:

Dear Teenage Daughter, I Remember What it Was Like to Be You

Dear Daughter, You Can Always Count on Me to be Your Friend

Dear Daughters, Don’t Be a People Pleaser Like Me

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now!

Pre-Order Now

Kimberly Yavorski

Kimberly Yavorski is a freelancer and mom of four who writes frequently on the topics of parenting, education, social issues and the outdoors. She is always searching for things to learn and new places to explore. Links to her writing and blogs can be found at www.kimberlyyavorski.com.

To the Friend Who Just Lost a Parent: It’s Going to Hurt and You’re Going to Grow

In: Grief, Grown Children, Loss
Sad woman hands over face

Oh, the inevitable, as we age into our mid to late 30s and beyond. The natural series of life states that losing a parent will become more commonplace as we, ourselves, continue to age, and I am beginning to see it among my circle of friends. More and more parents passing, and oh, my heart. My whole heart aches and fills with pain for my friends, having experienced this myself three years ago.  It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt more than you could expect. The leader of your pack, the glue, the one you turn to when you...

Keep Reading

“He’s Gone.”

In: Grief, Grown Children, Loss
Bride dancing with her father, color photo

That heart-wrenching moment when I received that phone call—the one that completely shattered life as I knew it. “He’s gone,” two words that brought me to my knees, screaming and crying. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t put into words what I was thinking or feeling, I was broken. Time slowed to a snail’s pace, it seemed like it took hours to arrive, and when we did, reality still didn’t sink in. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, we were supposed to have more time, way more time with him.  I’m too young to lose my dad, my kids...

Keep Reading

As An Adult, Navigating Your Parents’ Divorce Is Complicated

In: Grown Children, Marriage
Older couple sitting apart unhappy on couch

“Gray divorce” is a term that refers to divorce in couples over 50 years old. There are plenty of reasons why people decide to get divorced—in some cases, after decades of marriage. Many couples at this phase of their life are experiencing empty nests for the first time and are finding that once their kids have left the home, their relationship is not where they hoped it would be. No matter what the reasons may be, the reality is a lot of adults with families of their own are navigating their parents’ divorce. I am one of those adults facing...

Keep Reading

A Mother Spends Her Life Letting Go

In: Grown Children, Motherhood
Mother holding up child silhouette

Checking in—it’s what mothers do, or what I do anyway. I stand nose to chin with Miles and Gabriel, my grown twin sons, to feel their life force wash over me. They radiate energy and testosterone and smell like shampoo and skin. I inspect their shirts for invisible crumbs, touch and tease their curly hair—a gift from their father—and breathe in their essence, no longer baby-sweet but still beloved. I hold their sleeves lightly between my fingers. I anchor myself there in their orbit. And I ask questions, again and again, long after they’ve stopped listening. The questions are innocuous,...

Keep Reading

Grieving the Death of an Estranged Family Member is Complicated

In: Grief, Grown Children
Woman looking out at water

This past weekend, I learned that my estranged grandmother died. It had been a few years since I had spoken to her, and while I knew this day would come, I never exactly knew how I’d feel when the day actually arrived. Honestly, the moment I heard the news, I felt a bit of shock and didn’t know how to feel in that moment. Was I allowed to feel sadness or pain given that I had chosen to remove this family from my life? I felt so overwhelmed, I ended up googling “how to grieve the death of an estranged...

Keep Reading

There’s a Little Less of You Here Each Day

In: Grief, Grown Children
Elderly man and younger woman's arms around his neck

I’m sitting here on the front porch, and I’m sobbing. I’m finally grieving. I’ve finally reached the place where my heart knows what my brain has known for years. I am now dreaming of the day we meet again in Heaven, Dad, and you look at me and I will see in your eyes that you know it’s me: your daughter. I won’t be “the woman who comes by every day to our house” as you described me to Mom the other day. And this sucks. This early onset Alzheimer’s has stolen a brilliant mind. It’s stolen my mother’s dear...

Keep Reading

Our College Visit Disaster: What You Should Learn from My Mistakes

In: Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen
Mom and teen daughter selfie, color photo

With a song in my heart, I got in the car to drive my daughter to our first college visit.  We drove two hours to a school nestled in the mountains. It was a state school, not too big, not too small.  She knew plenty of alumni from her high school who attended there, and I was convinced it was going to be the perfect fit. We pulled up to the student center, and I jumped out of the car. I glanced around for her and realized she was still sitting in the car.  “Mom, I’m not getting out. I ...

Keep Reading

Everything I Know About Motherhood, I Learned from My Mom

In: Grown Children, Motherhood
Mother and daughter walking down snowy path, color photo

I lay in a hospital bed, and the doctor placed my brand-new son into my arms. As I held him close and stared in wonder at this tiny new life, the gravity of being totally responsible for another person settled in with an enormous weight. I could hear my mom’s voice in my mind, “Support the head, hold him close, let him feel you breathe.” Words from my youth when she taught me how to comfort my crying baby cousin. The first lesson I had in taking care of a baby. When I brought my son home from the hospital,...

Keep Reading

I’ll Send You off with a Million Prayers

In: Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen
Teen walking down sidewalk with suitcase, color photo

I think one of the hardest things about launching your big kids is wondering what baggage they will take with them. Did I give them enough for what comes next? Enough guidance? Enough wisdom Enough confidence and encouragement? Or will they end up carrying the weight of all of my mistakes? My exhaustion? My insecurities? My misplaced fears? What will they hold on to and what will they toss aside as they make room for new experiences, new people, new dreams? RELATED: My Mama Heart Breaks a Little Every Time You Go What lessons will they remember? What moments will...

Keep Reading

Dear Future Daughter-in-Law, I Hope We’ll Be Close

In: Grown Children, Motherhood
Wedding preparation buttoning up dress

Dear future daughter-in-law, My son loves you enough to want to spend the rest of his life with you. That’s a big deal. But I hope you and I can have a relationship too. While I think he’s pretty terrific, I want to know all about you and to have a relationship of our own. I know you are more than his significant other—our relationship may be because of him, but it can also be separate from him. Stop trying so hard. Just be yourself, the woman my son fell in love with. I don’t want you to try to...

Keep Reading