I have an aversion to hospitals and most medical providers. It began when my son was born.

Since I was four, all I wanted to do is birth babies. At 17-years-old, I started working as a medical assistant in an obstetric and gynecology clinic. It was the most natural path I could imagine for myself and within weeks I was a full-fledged member of the team. A few years later,  certified to be a labor doula and lactation counselor and for more than ten years, I loved my job.

Loved it!

I loved everything about it: meeting new people, figuring out if we could work together, getting to know their wishes, fears, and concerns, meeting them when the big day came, caring for them, helping them meet their precious bundle of joy, visiting with the new family, and encouraging them to feed their baby the best way they could. I didn’t mind waking up at odd hours or working on holidays and weekends. Not even my own struggles and wish for a child deterred or clouded my judgment. It felt like exactly the right thing I should be doing. Moreover, I knew if I was there, that particular mother-to-be and family was well taken care of – simply because {I} was there for them.

I loved my job!

Everything changed. For a long time I didn’t understand what I have. I can’t trust most medical providers. The thought or sight of a hospital or the sound of a siren made me nauseous. I saw a nurse write “white coat syndrome” in my file, but I’ve come to realize it’s not white coat syndrome – it’s a form of PTSD.

I can feel the onset of losing control over myself and it is getting easier to curb it. I had a big success recently when I had to get a mammogram and for the first time in three years, I walked into the very hospital my son was born in and I did not have to stop in the bathroom and throw up, try to calm my breathing, and tell myself “You are going to be fine! You are not having a heart attack. You have a family who needs you. You need to control your breathing!”

It has been a work in progress.

Three years have passed since the day my body went into hypovolemic shock – the day after I had our youngest child – and I have tried my very best to get back to my job. I’ve tried to reignite the fire, but – nothing.

Wow!

God is an important part of my life. I do not make a decision without bringing it all to him and praying for the right path to become clear. Sometimes it is apparent immediately and other times I have to take the time to self-reflect and listen, but eventually the answer and the path will appear.

Three years have passed since the day our son was born and I always thank my God for him because of His grace {and-not-to-forget-my-very-own-personal-U.S.-Army-Special-Forces-Medic-soon-to-be-Physician’s-Assistant} I am still here today to be a mother.

I am leaving a trail I have walked for more than ten years and hope that I was able to leave a trail in many lives.

When you are at a crossroads, I urge you to take the time and self-reflect on all the good things in your life God has provided for you. Take a walk in the woods, ride your motorcycle down a street, or eat a delicious meal, just take it all in, then wait and see if an answer will become clear. At any rate, do what makes you feel better because you can only be at your best when you’re at your best.

May you find your path, your purpose, your today, and just in case you can’t see the path try leaving a trail.

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:34)