My grandmother was a product of the 1950s: obsessed with appearances, pleasing the men around her, and making sure every aspect of her home, children, and personal appearance was “just so”. When her dementia began, she would often misplace her wedding ring, storming through the house in a frenzy searching for it. That ring, diamond-encrusted and modest by today’s standards, was among her most treasured possessions.

These thoughts were wending their way through my mind as I drove to the (glorified pawn shop) jewelry buyer, prepared to see what price the ring would fetch.

Certain items from your childhood are larger than life, seemingly priceless, based on the way the adults value them. I pondered this again a few months later when I visited a diamond dealer to see what sum I could get for my mother’s diamond stud earrings. In the end, both the diamond ring and the studs were worth a couple of hundred bucks—less than a week’s worth of groceries.

Driving home feeling numb and defeated, I wondered how I got here.

I’m a 44-year-old with two degrees, 10 years in a traditional career followed by a brisk freelance business. My husband was the wunderkind—valedictorian, a degree from an elite college, rising star employee in every job he’s held. We live in a nice home and have two cars to drive and by all appearances, we’re doing well. We’re far from destitute.

But we are stone-cold broke.

I’m a pretty open book to those in my inner circle. And I’ve lived through some rough patches. My mother battled a neurodegenerative disease for almost a decade. I held her hand as she took her last breath. My marriage is solid, but we’ve had our fair share of relationship angst. We overcame miscarriage and premature birth. We’re raising three kids, each with their own struggles. But nothing compares to the shame of being broke.

I’m unable to talk about it with any but my very closest friend, who’s been in similar straits, for the sheer shame factor. There’s a stench of failure on us. And judgment. We could’ve made different decisions.

RELATED: I Was the Angel on the Tree and This is What Our Family Really Needed

I’m a saver but my husband is a spender. He landed a high-paying job that put us in a top tax bracket for five years. We were on the money train, and he thought it would never end—buying fancy suits and expensive watches and leasing a luxury vehicle with a payment almost as high as our mortgage. I’ve had a lot of anger about his spending habits since our world came crashing down a couple of years ago. But I’m part of the problem: I spent money on the house, planned some costly vacations (family memories!), agreed to a luxury vehicle purchase for me. We saved, but the savings dwindled when his job ended unexpectedly, and for the first time in his life, he couldn’t immediately find more work.

We’ve steadily depleted our retirement savings accounts, breaking the cardinal rule of personal finance. I make regular sweeps through the house for items that can be sold on Craigslist. We rarely eat out, aside from the occasional cheap taco or fast food. I delay home maintenance and defer buying new clothes until items are threadbare—and then I buy secondhand or dirt cheap.

It’s a special kind of hell when your credit card gets declined at a store.

The shame. The attempt at a light-hearted comment about how the card keeps malfunctioning. Worse than the few times it’s happened: the stress of my dreading it. My heart pounds every time my card is run even when I know the card is fine. And I live in mortal fear of the day my older kids witness my card being declined.

We’ve tried to shield the kids from the financial stress. But kids are perceptive, and I know they can feel the tension in the air. I overheard one telling the other, “But we must be rich. Dad drives a BMW!”

RELATED: To the Woman Carrying the Weight of the World on Her Shoulders

My luxury car was sold and replaced with a much cheaper car. I’ve researched every possible way to terminate our costly car lease early. I apply for any and all relevant contract and freelance opportunities in an effort to bolster our income. And slowly, we’re getting closer to breaking even each month. But it will take years to dig out of the financial pit we’ve dug for ourselves.

Like most difficult chapters in life, I imagine we’ll come out of this stronger and humbler.

We’re enlightened to the fleeting nature of all things. We’ve come to value simpler pleasures, like cheap pizza and a Netflix movie night.

But it’s been a lonely, stressful, shame-filled season. Like none other I’ve lived through.

Originally published on Sammiches & Psych Meds

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Her View From Home

Millions of mothers connected by love, friendship, family and faith. Join our growing community. 1,000+ writers strong. We pay too!   Find more information on how you can become a writer on Her View From Home at https://herviewfromhome.com/contact-us/write-for-her//

We Built a Rock-Solid Foundation in Our Little Home

In: Living, Marriage
Couple on front porch

I found my brand-new husband, sitting on the floor of the only bedroom in our brand-new house. His back propped against the wall, muscular legs extending from his khaki shorts, bare feet overlapping at the ankles. His arms were crossed in a gesture of defiance and there was an unfamiliar, challenging scowl on his face. Plopping down beside him on the scratchy harvest gold carpeting, I asked, “What’s wrong?” “This is it?” he mumbled. “This is what we used our savings for?” I stood up, tugging on his bent elbows in a vain attempt to get him to his feet....

Keep Reading

I Am an Adult with Autism

In: Living, Motherhood
Mother and three children in wildflowers, color photo

Thirty years. That’s how long it took for me to get the right diagnoses. Thirty years. Of struggles. Of shame. Of depression and anxiety. Of bullying. All without knowing the true causes and what was really going on. I never would have believed you if you told me a few years ago that I was autistic. It wasn’t until all three of my children were diagnosed with autism that I started to see the similarities and begin to question. At first, I thought there was no way. Wouldn’t I have known by now? It just can’t be. So I threw...

Keep Reading

I’m Thankful for the Community We’ve Found

In: Friendship, Living, Motherhood
Community on street having a picnic

It was the end of the school holidays, and the return to school after Christmas was looming. The children had had two weeks at home. The general sense of routine was lost for the boys, with late nights and relaxing days watching YouTube while playing their Switch. I was eager for routine to make a reappearance through school. As we headed into the weekend before the start of school, Josh had a cough and then a fever, and it became clear this would not be the week I had envisioned. By Monday morning the boys appeared more lethargic than usual,...

Keep Reading

Kate Middleton Reveals Cancer Diagnosis

In: Living, News

After weeks of speculation about her whereabouts, Kate Middleton has surfaced with a shocking announcement: she’s been diagnosed with cancer. In a video released Friday, Catherine, the Princess of Wales sits on an outdoor bench and speaks directly to the camera about her diagnosis. It follows a “planned abdominal surgery” announced by the Royal family in January. At that time, the Palace said Kate would not resume her Royal duties until Easter. At the time, Kate says, the procedure was believed to be for something non-cancerous. After the surgery, it was determined cancer was present. The type of cancer has...

Keep Reading

Invite People Over, It’s Always Worth It

In: Friendship, Living
Family greeting friends on front steps of house

I meticulously vacuumed and mopped, water streaks practically mocking me with the contrast of dirty to clean. Tending to the floors was always my least favorite chore, but now that people were coming over, it was a necessity I couldn’t ignore. I obsessively worried that crumbs would stick to guest’s feet during dinner and that thought alone sent me into round three of detecting those that were camouflaged. When the new couple arrived, I was relieved they were wearing socks. I had set the table with extra linens and placemats to which my perplexed children inquired, “What are these?” as...

Keep Reading

Find True Friends and Hold on Tight

In: Friendship, Living, Motherhood
Friends walking away with arms linked

I’m a mother of two young boys, ages three years old and three months old. Since the recent birth of my youngest son, I’ve transitioned from therapist and social worker in the workplace to stay-at-home mom. I’ve come to realize I’m no expert on parenting and there are many things I’m uncertain of as a mother, but there is one thing that I’m completely sure of . . . we all need the real mom friends in our lives. The real mom friends are the ones who show up authentically for you in your life and provide you with the...

Keep Reading

My Aunt Is the Woman I Want to Become

In: Faith, Living
Woman with older woman smiling

It’s something she may not hear enough, but my aunt is truly amazing. Anyone who knows her recognizes her as one-of-a-kind in the best way possible. It’s not just her playful jokes that bring a smile to my face, her soul is genuinely the sweetest I know. I hope she knows that I see her, appreciate her, and acknowledge all the effort she puts in every day, wholeheartedly giving of herself to everyone around her. When I look back on my childhood, I see my aunt as a really important part of it. We have shared so much time together,...

Keep Reading

To the Family with a Loved One in Jail

In: Grief, Living
Woman with head in hands

At first, I wanted to hide. I didn’t want to face people anywhere, not at the grocery store, not at work, not even at church. I was ashamed, hurt, and humiliated. It was after that day not so long ago when one of my sisters called me, sobbing so hard I could barely understand the awful message she was telling me. He’s been arrested, she was saying. We need to go tell Mom. Oh, God, no. Please, please, no. How can this even be real? But it was real. RELATED: Tragedy Changes You, But it Doesn’t Have To Ruin You...

Keep Reading

What Daniel Tiger Taught Me About Standing up for What’s Right

In: Living, Motherhood
Two young girls climbing a tree, color photo

On a beautiful, sunny morning, I was with mama friends and all our kiddos. Between the five of us, we had two to four kids each, the oldest at six years old and the youngest had just learned to walk. I had my daughter in my lap as I sat squished in a toddler chair at a small table. She was picking up Goldfish crackers one by one, and I was talking happily with my friends. But then someone brought up a recent Daniel Tiger episode with a tang in her voice that concerned me. I recalled the exact episode she...

Keep Reading

There’s No Place on Earth More Full of Love than Grandma’s House

In: Grown Children, Living
Grandma helping little girl cook

I have this theory that every grandma’s house has its own smell. For mine, her house always smells like the same perfume she’s worn my whole life. I can’t tell you the name of her perfume, but I can tell you what it looks like and exactly where she keeps it on her bathroom cabinet. Occasionally the smell of freshly baked cookies overpowers the smell of her perfume at my grandma’s house. Knowing her signature recipes, I can tell you within a few seconds of walking in the door just exactly what she has in the oven. I imagine other grandmas’ houses smell...

Keep Reading