Our Keepsake Journal is Here! 🎉

I believe they define a “sexless marriage” as one where the couple engages in sex fewer than 10 times per year.

I guess that places me in the category of a “really sexless marriage,” given my wife and I average having sex maybe three or four times annually, and at one point were together only once within a single year.

Like most couples that have been together as long as my wife and I have, your intimate relationship is always going to ebb and flow a bit, but this is without a doubt the longest we have been in this particular ebb.

To say I have spent a lot of time thinking about the reasons for this over the last 4-5 years would be an understatement, to put it mildly.

While I haven’t been able to find the proverbial “smoking gun,” I have drawn a few conclusions:

This Is Not All Her Fault

I don’t blame my wife for the current state of intimacy in our marriage. If she has lost interest in me then it most likely is because I am not giving her something she needs in our relationship and it’s slowly eroded any romantic feelings she may have had for me in the past.

I think somewhere deep down she still wants to have those feelings.

RELATED: I Wish My Wife Knew How Much I Love Having Sex With Her

The last time we were together was about five months ago. I was trying to be creative and playful and emailed her some “instructions” to follow, which included texting me when she was in bed and “ready” for me. I was very happily surprised when I got that text message later that evening.

She could have easily ignored the message or just said, “Not tonight,” but to her credit, she played along and while not everything went according to plan, we still had an opportunity for some intimacy.

Sometimes I Just Stop Trying

We have only been together three times in the last 14 months.

That certainly sounds depressing, but what’s even more depressing is I have probably only tried initiating intimacy 5-6 times over that time period, so I guess if you just looked at this like a batter’s average, it wouldn’t be too bad.

This is pretty much the same story year after year after year.

I am afraid to approach my wife for intimacy.

I guess ultimately, it’s due to fear of rejection but not simply a rejection for that night but the fear she’s going to tell me she’s simply no longer interested in being with me.

But again, this is my hang-up—not hers.

On all three occasions we have been together over the past 14 months, she was most certainly a willing partner and at least gave the impression she enjoyed it, so that doesn’t seem like someone who’s lost all interest in being together.

Sometimes I Try Too Hard

The other side of this coin, though, is that often I found myself trying too hard.

All three of the times we have been together over the last year have had some seductive notion to them.

One time I told her I had written an erotic story I wanted to read aloud to her.

The next time was an invitation for a sensual massage.

The most recent time was acting out this text message seduction scene from an erotic short story I had recently read.

Nothing wrong with any of these precursors to being together, but it’s gotten to the point where I feel it’s necessary, and the only way to try and coax her into my arms at the end of the day. I can’t recall the last time I simply followed her up to bed, cuddled up beside her, and told her I wanted her.

RELATED: Sorry Men, Sex is Not a Reward

I Never Asked Her What She Wants

Over these “sexless” years, I have sent my wife quite a few long letters/emails discussing how much I miss the intimacy in our lives, but the one thing I have come to realize recently is I haven’t really spent much time asking her what she wants out of the relationship.

Sure, I have made a few passive-aggressive comments to the effect of I don’t want to keep chasing after you if you’re not interested in me anymore, so just let me know and I’ll leave you alone, but I never came right out and asked her (outside of being in the throes of passion) if she enjoys it when I touch her.

I never asked her what intimate things she really enjoys and how to best pleasure her.

I never asked her if she enjoys pleasuring me and what she likes to do to me, or with me.

I never asked her if some nights she may just want to cuddle but avoids it because she thinks I’ll automatically assume or expect it will lead to sex.

So Now What?

When I look at these three insights, they all seem to speak to the same thing:

Communication is key, and if we can’t be open and honest in discussing this then maybe there is a lot more missing from our relationship than just intimacy.

Maybe at the end of the day, that’s my biggest fear. The fear that I am slowly losing the love of my life and I may have nobody to blame but myself.

RELATED: I Love My Wife Even When I Don’t Feel Like It

This post originally appeared on the author’s blog

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal


I'm a 50 year old married father of 3 sharing my experiences navigating through the maze of mid-life. Tacking issues about marriage, parenting, career, politics and social injustices in the world. My only guarantee with my writing is honesty. These thoughts and feelings are my own and often very personal but I share so that we can all learn from one another and pay it forward with our experiences and insights.

The Only Fights I Regret Are the Ones We Never Had

In: Living, Marriage
Couple at the end of a hallway fighting

You packed up your things and left last night. There are details to work out and lawyers to call, but the first step in a new journey has started. I feel equal parts sad, angry, scared, and relieved. There’s nothing left to fix. There’s no reconciliation to pursue. And I’m left thinking about the fights we never had. I came down the stairs today and adjusted the thermostat to a comfortable temperature for me. It’s a fight I didn’t consider worth having before even though I was the one living in the home 24 hours a day while you were...

Keep Reading

He’s Not the Man I Married, but I Love the Man He’s Become

In: Marriage
Husband and wife, posed color photo

There is a long-standing joke in our family about my first husband. It goes something like this, “My first husband never watched football.” This is said on the rare occasion when my guy decides to sit down and watch a college football game. We both laugh because neither of us has been married more than once. Instead, this joke is aimed at all the ways we have changed over the years of being together. We married very young—I was 15 and he was just a week past his 17th birthday. Life was difficult with both of us still in high...

Keep Reading

Thank You for This Sacrificial Love

In: Marriage
Bride and groom, color photo

To lay down one’s life, according to the Bible, is the greatest expression of love. Jesus laid down His life for us by dying on the cross. God loves us so much that He sent His only son to die for humanity. As Jesus laid down his life for us, so Scripture commands husbands to lay down their lives for their wives. It’s a heavy responsibility placed on the husband to die to himself, to his desires, to his flesh, to love and serve his wife. A husband ought to love sacrificially, and that is exactly the man I married....

Keep Reading

I Hope Heaven Looks like 3128 Harper Road

In: Grief, Living, Loss, Marriage
Husband and wife, posed older color photo

Jeannine Ann Eddings Morris grew up in western Kentucky as the oldest daughter of hard-working parents, who both worked at the Merritt Clothing factory. Jeannine was the oldest of 23 grandchildren who proudly belonged to John B. and Celeste Hardeman. John B. was a well-known preacher who traveled all over the South to share the gospel. Life as a child was as humble as one might expect for the 1940s. Jeannine was the oldest of four children, spanning a 13-year age range. To hear her talk, her childhood and teenage memories consisted of mostly reading every book she could find...

Keep Reading

Overcoming Conflict Builds a Marriage that Lasts

In: Marriage
Couple sitting together on couch, color photo

I would never have admitted to being afraid of conflict back then. Not in my marriage anyway. I’d read all the books about how marriage is hard work and conflict is normal and I knew we were definitely the exception. But then at some point that first year, I realized two things: we were not the world’s most exceptional couple after all, and I was, indeed, afraid of conflict.  If we argued, even after I’d apologized a million times, I was very afraid I had failed. Like I had torn a little piece off our marriage that couldn’t ever go back. So...

Keep Reading

We Didn’t Go to Counseling Because Our Marriage Had Failed, We Went to Make It Stronger

In: Marriage
Hands holding across the table

There were three of us in the windowless room with its faded yellow walls. We were sitting in a triangle, my husband closest to the door, I in the farthest corner of the room, and the man whom I had specifically sought out, smiling serenely across the table from both of us. It was my idea to be here. After yet another heated discussion with my husband about the same issue we’ve been discussing for the past 10 years, something in me just broke. “I can’t do this anymore,” I said out loud to no one in particular. “We need...

Keep Reading

We Built a Rock-Solid Foundation in Our Little Home

In: Living, Marriage
Couple on front porch

I found my brand-new husband, sitting on the floor of the only bedroom in our brand-new house. His back propped against the wall, muscular legs extending from his khaki shorts, bare feet overlapping at the ankles. His arms were crossed in a gesture of defiance and there was an unfamiliar, challenging scowl on his face. Plopping down beside him on the scratchy harvest gold carpeting, I asked, “What’s wrong?” “This is it?” he mumbled. “This is what we used our savings for?” I stood up, tugging on his bent elbows in a vain attempt to get him to his feet....

Keep Reading

To the Woman Navigating Divorce: You Will Get Through This

In: Living, Marriage, Motherhood
Woman with eyes closed standing outside, profile shot

On May 4th, 2023 I was delivered devastating news. My husband no longer loved me, and he wanted to end our marriage. This was the last thing I expected. I tried to get him to work things out, but he was firm on the decision that we were done. My heart broke for my children and what I thought I wanted for my life. As it turns out though, this separation and soon-to-be divorce is probably one of the best things that could have happened to me. It has given me a new appreciation for myself, brought me closer to...

Keep Reading

We Got Married Young and We Don’t Regret It

In: Marriage
Bride and groom in church, color photo

In a world that tells you divorce is inevitable if you get married young, I did the unthinkable: I got married at 22 . . . straight out of college. We had no money and lived off love for the first couple of years in a cheap apartment in the worst part of the city. Black specks came out of our water pipes sometimes. Occasionally we had to take back roads to get to our apartment because police had the nearby roads blocked off for searches. Regardless, we were happy. RELATED: We Married Young and I Don’t Regret it For...

Keep Reading

But God, I Can’t Forgive That

In: Faith, Marriage
Woman holding arms and walking by water

Surrender is scary. Giving in feels like defeat. Even when I know it’s the right thing, yielding everything to God is scary. It also feels impossible. The weight of all I’m thinking and feeling is just so dang big and ugly. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes I cling so tightly to my fear I don’t even recognize it for what it is. Bondage. Oppression. Lack of trust. Oh, and then there’s that other thing—pride. Pride keeps me from seeing straight, and it twists all of my perceptions. It makes asking for help so difficult that I forget that...

Keep Reading