Pre-Order So God Made a Mother

There’s a unique ache that lives in the heart of a woman who knows she is meant to be a mom, but who has not yet had the thrill of a positive pregnancy test or the joy of bringing a new baby home from the hospital. I was all too familiar with this ache as month after month I hoped and prayed for that second line to appear, only to feel the crushing weight of disappointment.

During this time of waiting, I dutifully went to baby showers and posted congratulations on every pregnancy announcement on social media, all the while trying not to let jealous thoughts spin out of control.

There’s a unique ache that lives in the heart of a woman who has experienced miscarriage and is bravely trying again.

After saying goodbye to our sweet little soul, I made a promise to myself that I would not let this fresh ache keep me from trying to grow our family.

RELATED: A Mother’s Love Can’t Be Measured In Weeks

During this time of uncertainty, I still offered congratulations as new pregnancy announcements sprung up all around me. I signed up to bring meals to other new mamas. I held friends’ babies and laughed and smiled right along with them. But I struggled with even more intense feelings of jealously as we waited for the next chance to try again.

There’s a unique ache that lives in the heart of a woman who is done having babies . . . whether that is by choice or circumstances behind her control. I have been experiencing this ache for quite some time as I drift further and further away from the baby days and close the door on that stage of my life.

The truth is pregnancy announcements and seeing another mom with a new baby still fills me with feelings of longing and twinges of jealousy.

Perhaps it is because I’m approaching a new decade of life and I’m feeling my age.

Perhaps it is because both of my kids will soon be in school full-time and my everyday life will be changing dramatically.

RELATED: The Letting Go Happens Slowly

Perhaps it is because I have truly never experienced the feeling that our family is complete.

Perhaps it is because I look back at that those early years, and wish I could have had the hindsight that I have now.

I wish I would have spent more time letting them sleep on my chest. I wish I wouldn’t have let the small stuff bother me. I wish I would have spent less time worrying about my to-do list. I wish I would have paused more to take in each moment.

I don’t know how long this ache will last.

I don’t know when I will be able to walk by the baby section in a department store and not feel my heart sink. I don’t know when I will see a pregnancy announcement on social media or a pregnant mama friend, and only feel joy for her instead of joy mixed with jealously and sadness.

I hope one day soon, I will get there.

RELATED: I’ll Always Want Another Baby

With every new beginning, something else must come to an end.

And as beautiful as new beginnings are that doesn’t mean endings are easy. 

So for now, I will give myself the space and grace to grieve the ending of this particular stage of motherhood.

And I will be forever grateful for the lessons it taught me.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now!

Pre-Order Now

Mary Ann Blair

Mary Ann Blair is a stay-at-home mom living in the Pacific Northwest with her two little gentlemen and hubs. She loves connecting with other parents who like to keep it real! Her work has been published on Her View From Home, Motherly, A Fine Parent, Perfection Pending, That’s Inappropriate, Pregnant Chicken, Sammiches and Psych Meds, Red Tricycle and in Chicken Soup For the Soul. She can be found at maryannblair.com or on Facebook at Mary Ann Blair, Writer.

Please Don’t Ask When I’m Having Another Baby

In: Baby, Motherhood
Pregnant woman standing lakeside, color photo

We’ve all been asked it. Maybe once, maybe more times than we can count. Maybe we’ve even asked it ourselves, “When are you trying for baby #2?” It seems harmless, and most of the time it probably is. Pre-baby me never even stopped to consider that it was anything other than a curious, sometimes nosey, question to ask. The mom version of me today feels a completely different way. It’s now deeper and more complicated than it seemed in the past. The mom in me struggles every single time I’m asked this. Struggles to come up with an answer. Struggles...

Keep Reading

3 Ways to Help Your Firstborn Embrace Becoming a Big Brother

In: Baby, Kids, Motherhood, Toddler
Pregnant woman holding toddler son, color photo

My oldest son turned four right after his first brother was born. Four years of alone time with his parents. Four years of extra mommy time during the week. Four years of having toys to himself, extra attention from family members, and more. I didn’t plan a four-year age gap; it took our family a lot longer and a lot more help than we expected to have our second son, but age gaps aren’t everything. When my second son was finally on the way, I heard a lot of opinions about how our oldest son would feel once he finally...

Keep Reading

This is 40 and Pregnant

In: Baby, Motherhood
Black and white selfie of pregnant woman

I didn’t expect to be 40 and pregnant. But here I am, turning 40 this month with a baby growing inside me. Sometimes I think I have no business having a baby at this age. Then I wonder, why the heck shouldn’t I have a baby at 40? What’s so bad about it? Is it because I’m tired? Because I have more wrinkles dancing around my eyes when I laugh or smile? Is the truth that I don’t have enough energy for my children, that they deserve more, and that more is a younger mother? I see us everywhere—older moms...

Keep Reading

She’s My Rainbow Baby, but I Wasn’t Ready

In: Baby, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Mother holding baby girl in front of Christmas tree, color photo

On January 30, 2021 we lost our baby boy. I’d carried him for nearly 15 weeks when my water unexpectedly broke one night, and we miscarried. Just over a year later on February 10, 2022, I found out I was pregnant with our rainbow baby.  But I wasn’t ready.  I recall feeling out of sorts, thinking the last time I felt this way was during my first pregnancy, but there was no way we could be pregnant again. I anxiously awaited the results of a pregnancy test, and there it was: two pink lines.  But I wasn’t ready.   RELATED: Sometimes...

Keep Reading

This Little Life Changed Everything

In: Baby, Motherhood
Newborn photo of baby's hand, color photo

I get to run today. Yes, you read that correctly—I get to, not have to—and that’s a big and powerful difference. To say the past few months have been a whirlwind would be an understatement: a move to a new house . . . during the final days of pregnancy . . . with an earlier-than-expected labor that was wild, crazy, terrifying, complicated, and beautiful, perfect because of what it culminated in–new life and new perspective . . . followed by the Dreft-scented, snuggle-heavy, sleep-deprived days of life with a newborn. After all of this, I can honestly say life will...

Keep Reading

Why Is It So Hard To Admit Our Own Postpartum Struggles?

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mother holding newborn close up

I recently attended physical therapy in an attempt to put my parts back together after having my second child. My physical therapist was also a young mom so we began talking about the various stages our children have passed through. At one point, she asked me if I had experienced any postpartum depression or anxiety. Without hesitation, I said no and then quickly backtracked and said, “Well, some difficult thoughts so yeah, I guess that would be postpartum anxiety.” After fumbling through my explanation, I immediately felt slightly ashamed for dismissing the notion so quickly and also a sudden urge...

Keep Reading

Worrying Is Part of the Job

In: Baby, Motherhood
Woman's hands holding baby head

My baby girl is four. How did four years go so fast? It blows my mind how much children develop in a short amount of time. One day they can’t lift their heads and then suddenly they’re shouting, “Go away, Mommy!” Lucy is my rainbow baby. She was born on a Wednesday evening in October. Our first day with her, we rested and gazed at our little creation. At midnight on Friday, we sent Lucy to the nursery so I could rest. At 2 a.m. a doctor rushed in. He flicked on the lights. Our tired eyes were blinded. “Lucy...

Keep Reading

I’m Sorry It Didn’t Come Naturally

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mother holding newborn in hospital, color photo

I should have spent every waking moment with you. I should have been right there by your side through every difficult and challenging moment you faced. I should have moved hell and high water to make sure I was there. But I didn’t. And I should have. I’m sorry the first days of your precious little life were filled with strangers and wires and loud noises. I’m sorry you were being poked and prodded from the moment you finally opened those little eyes. I’m sorry that the angel nurses of the NICU were there for you when your mommy should...

Keep Reading

Dear Sophia’s Mama

In: Baby, Motherhood
Baby in isolette inside NICU

I think about you often. I noticed you on our second day in the NICU. I was in the hallway in front of your daughters’ room speaking with our nurse. You looked up from your chair and tried to smile. As I walked away, I looked at the nameplate on the door. Sophia. From where the rocking chair was in our room, I could see out our door to Sophia’s room. Over the next few days, I noticed your daughter’s door proudly displayed several milestones. “Off ventilator” and “first-time mommy held you” made me realize you were seasoned here. Your...

Keep Reading

The End of Maternity Leave Makes a Mother’s Heart Ache

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mother holding infant on shoulder

As my last week of maternity leave begins, my heart feels heavier and heavier in my chest. I can’t fall asleep at night for fear that I haven’t fully appreciated this time with my sweet baby girl. I know plenty of moms who find joy in returning to their old routines. Mamas who feel peace in knowing they can unlock a part of themselves they haven’t used in 12 weeks.  As for me, I’m filled with an anxiety I’ve never felt before. I’ve waited my whole life to be someone’s mama. I’m doing it for the first time, and while...

Keep Reading