Motherhood made me soft. 

It’s given me a heart that shatters over a scraped knee, and it’s turned my nerves from calm to rather unstable. 

I’m here to tell it as it isbeing a mother is amazing, but it sucks the life right out of you. I’m not talking about physical exhaustion although that is completely relevant. 

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I’m talking about a love that can never compare to any other, but a love that will rip your heart to shreds.

A crippling love.

A love that will leave you trembling at times with no sense of control over yourself, yet a love that will engulf you wholeheartedly. 

Being a mother isn’t for the weak-hearted like me. But believe it or not, being a mother is what made me this way. I find myself questioning if that’s just part of the package.

Where I once stood tall, confident, and strong, I now stand fearful. Unsure.

Fearful because I’m trying to shower my children with so much love, but I’m terrified for their little hearts, terrified for them to get harmed in this shrill world of ours.

Hence, my instability if we’re going to put a label on it. 

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Being a mother made me soft to a point when I cry whenever my child feels left out at school. I sit next to his bed at night and caress his soft cheek ever so gently praying I can take his pain away, knowing that at one point or another, I just won’t be able to.

I adore these children with my entire beinga love so fiercebut I wish it wasn’t this way. 

Because I know one day, I will have no control. 

One day, they will be on their own, and I will not be able to shelter their hearts from pain. 

I know one day when they’re older, I too will be older, and I can’t imagine them not having me to turn to.

Who will protect them? It’s my job. But what if I’m not there? 

I worry about a future where I won’t be there guiding them. 

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Motherhood has made me faint-hearted.

My heart aches at the thought of losing them, of not having them within my reach all my life. 

Motherhood has put me in a state of constant distress. 

Just weary of this world and it’s harsh edges, worrisome for my little babies. 

Motherhood doesn’t last forever.

It’s the circle of life.

With all its beauty, motherhood has made me weak. 

Suka Nasrallah

Suka is an author residing in Windsor, Ontario with her husband and three children. She is committed to empowering others through sharing her raw and honest opinions, experiences and insights. Aside from writing she loves to draw and finds inspiration for both her art and her words in the most simple elements of life that surround her like the colour of the autumn leaves and a long drive listening to her favorite tunes. She has been published on multiple large social media platforms and has gone viral for her famous piece “67 times”. She was also a nominee for the IRIS awards in 2 categories, September 2021.