Sometimes I feel guilty.
I feel guilty for waking up too late and having to rush everyone. I feel guilty for not laying the frozen chicken out in the morning. I feel guilty for losing the paper I was supposed to fill out.
Sometimes I feel guilty.
I feel guilty for letting the kids watch another episode. I feel guilty for saying I’m tired. I feel guilty for wishing anything was different in my life.
Sometimes I find something I love to do for myself that makes me a better person, a better mom,
but then I feel guilty that I didn’t feel fully fulfilled in child rearing alone.
And then I feel guilty for wasting so much precious time feeling guilty.
There’s all these triggers that make me tap into my guilt, usually in the form of:
“Cherish every moment.”
“It won’t be like this for long.”
“Don’t blink”—
and so often I function with my eyes forced open out of fear of missing a single thing.
While these sentiments are true, I’m a mom you don’t have to remind to “soak it up.”
Instead, when I’ve reached my wit’s end, I convince myself I have to suck it up.
I think about how I’ll only have this day once.
I’m already trying, I promise.
And while we often need a gentle reminder, my overactive brain processes it as a slap in the face.
“Did I cherish every moment today?”
“Did I make today the best day ever?”
“DID I BLINK?!”
And if I did . . . if I spent the day a little too focused on something else . . . bring on some more guilt.
I’m not a mom you have to remind about it going by too fast; it’s already a thought so firmly rooted in my head that there’s no getting away from it.
I’m not a mom you have to count down summers for.
I’ve got 11 left with my oldest, thanks for pointing that out.
Instead, I need to be reminded that it’s OK that I let my kids play by themselves today.
I need to know that my need to breathe is justified.
I need more “me too” and less “you need to . . . ”
I promise there’s enough self-induced pressure under this surface.
I promise there’s enough guilt right here that I don’t need a reason for more.
Sometimes I’m on a hamster wheel that I can’t seem to stop.
Sometimes I get so caught up.
Sometimes I feel guilty for no good reason.
And while I’m so thankful for the act of cherishing even when it’s exhausting, sometimes the thing I need most—
Is the permission to blink.
This post originally appeared on Trains and Tantrums by Whitney Ballard
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