Our Keepsake Journal is Here! 🎉

Hey, momma.

Do you know the feeling? You know . . . that I should have been able to protect them. I should have done something different. Why didn’t I see it? I should have acted differently, said something different, even been been somewhere different. If I had, I could have . . . 

Yes, all that. Oh man it’s rough. The “what-ifs” will get you every time. And I’m here to give you some advice.

Stop it.

So here’s a little background into my current situation. I was a Special Education teacher for seven years in public school. Now an instructor at a university preparing future Special Education teachers and almost finished with my doctorate in Special Education, I’ve been very trained in seizures. I’ve seen seizures, studied seizures, and even helped students cope with seizures. I know signs, symptoms, and strategies.

Nothing prepared me to watch my son have a severe seizure.

What used to be known as a grand mal seizure, we have learned, is actually a generalized tonic-clonic seizure. And last week, our eight-year-old son seized at home. He vomited, convulsed, lost all control of bodily functions. You name the seizure symptom, our baby had it. A total of three minutes felt like a lifetime. Our world seemed to be completely crashing around us. It took us until our son was already halfway through this terrifying ordeal to realize he was actually having a seizure. My husband compared the scene to what he imagined an exorcism would look like. I can’t accurately describe the fear we felt.

But our son is OK.

Fast-forward to one week later and we received a phone call from the pediatrician. “Do you have time to talk?” she asked. Never a good sign. “Your son’s EEG came back very abnormal. He has Primary Generalized Epilepsy. The EEG picked up multiple absence seizures in the 20 minutes of the test. He needs medicine to control it. Are you OK?”

What a sweet pediatrician. She knew I was quiet on the other end of the phone because I fully believed the EEG would reveal that this was a one-time occurrence. Seizures can be caused by a virus. They can come around one time and never again. To find this would not be the case with our son was overwhelming and terrifying.

And so began the mom-guilt.

I’m educated. I’m involved. I’m a parent who pays attention to my kids, loves them, protects them. I had absolutely no idea. None. Zip. Zero. My husband and I used to laugh about our son being a “space cadet”. He would space out for just a couple seconds and then come back. We would snap our fingers in front of his face and joke. Asher would giggle too. “Haha! Sorry!” And he would run off to play. Yeah . . . those are absence seizures. Hindsight is 20/20. Our son was born with Epilepsy. Primary Generalized Epilepsy is a genetic disorder. We had absolutely no idea.

So I’ve guilted myself for a few days. And I’m slowly getting over it. Slowly . . . 

I’m here to tell you—don’t do this to yourself.

There is nothing we could have changed. How on earth could we have known? Just like you, we can only do our best as parents. And just like I said before, the best part is that our son has always had Epilepsy. He was born with it. We just didn’t know.

“Best part?” you ask. “How is that the best part?”

Because our son is OK. He didn’t seize and drown in the bathtub when we weren’t in there watching him. He didn’t seize and fall down the mountain we climbed. He didn’t seize and fall off the dock and into the lake. He didn’t . . . he didn’t . . . he didn’t. There are a million things that could have gone wrong. But there are a million things that didn’t.

And why?

Because God has always known our son has Epilepsy. God has protected him for us because He knew exactly when we were supposed to find out. And He will continue to protect him. I don’t have to be the crazy helicopter mom that everything in my human body is telling me to be. God has got this. We found out before our son would begin driving. We found out before encountering serious dangers we wouldn’t have thought twice about. Before . . . before . . . before.

We have a good, good Father.

And you’re good, good parents. Just like we are.

So please join me in stopping the mom-guilt. He’s got this.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Bailey Koch

Bailey Koch is an advocate for those who can't easily advocate for themselves in every way. Married to her hottie hubby, whom has survived 5+ suicide attempts, and mom to two teenage boys, the oldest with High Functioning Autism and youngest with Epilepsy, Bailey is passionate about mental health and parenting through the messy realities. Additionally, Bailey is a Doctor of Special Education and works as an instructor at the University of Nebraska at Kearney preparing future special educators to be advocates for the learning of all. Bailey and her husband, Jeremy, have written and published two books. "Never Alone: A Husband and Wife's Journey with Depression and Faith" details their struggles with severe depression and the journey toward understanding their purpose, accepting help, and finding faith. "When the House Feels Sad: Helping You Understand Depression" is written for families, at a child's level, to open up a conversation about the reality of Depression. Follow their journey, the triumphs and the challenges, on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/anchoringhopeformentalhealth and Instagram at @anchoringhopeformentalhealth.

Children Don’t Get Easier, We Just Get Stronger

In: Inspiration, Mental Health, Motherhood
Children Don't Get Easier, We Just Get Stronger www.herviewfromhome.com

“This too shall pass.” As mothers, we cling to these words as we desperately hope to make it past whichever parenting stage currently holds us in its clutches. In the thick of newborn motherhood, through night wakings, constant nursing and finding our place in an unfamiliar world, we long for a future filled with more sleep and less crying. We can’t imagine any child or time being more difficult than right now. Then, a toddler bursts forth, a tornado of energy destroying everything in his wake. We hold our breath as he tests every possible limit and every inch of...

Keep Reading

The One Thing Young Kids Need to Know About Sex

In: Health, Kids, Motherhood
The One Thing Young Kids Need to Know About Sex www.herviewfromhome.com

I currently have four kids in elementary school from kindergarten to fifth grade. My kids have not experienced any sexual abuse (to my knowledge); we have been very careful about any potential porn exposure; we closely monitor their involvement with pop culture through music, movies, books, and even commercials. While we might seem to err on the side of overly sheltering them, what we have also done is be very open with our kids about sex. We have told them the truth when they’ve asked questions. And have they asked some questions! Here’s a sampling of what I’ve been asked...

Keep Reading

I Don’t Have Anxiety—But My Husband Does

In: Health, Mental Health, Relationships
I Don't Have Anxiety—But My Husband Does www.herviewfromhome.com

I don’t have anxiety but my husband does.  We should have realized this years ago but we missed it. The realization came suddenly and as soon as it popped in my mind, it came out of my mouth. “You have anxiety.” I said. He looked at me trying to determine if I was joking or serious. “I am serious, you have anxiety.” His eyes left mine and found his phone. He picked it up and said, “Hey Siri, give me the definition of anxiety.” As the virtual assistant read off the definition she may as well have been reading my man’s personality...

Keep Reading

This is What Life is Like For a Mom Who Wears Hearing Aids

In: Health, Journal, Motherhood
This is What Life is Like For a Mom Who Wears Hearing Aids www.herviewfromhome.com

I’ll never forget the time I was standing on a dock in the middle of a lake, casually draining my long hair of water, soaking in the summer heat surrounding me. Little did I know, my right breast had escaped the clutches of my bikini top; it must have popped out when I dove into the cool lake. But because I wasn’t wearing my hearing aids—I can’t wear those babies in the water—I couldn’t hear those back on land who were calling at me to shove it back in. So, there I stood, clueless of the fact that I was...

Keep Reading

Welcome to Periods in Your 30s and 40s

In: Health, Humor
Welcome to Periods in Your 30s and 40s www.herviewfromhome.com

Do you remember that day in the fifth grade when the boys and girls were separated for the “Sexuality and Development” talk? Some nice old lady health teacher came into your room and gave you some straight talk about how the next few years were going to go for you. It was awkward and shocking and you knew your childhood would never be the same. When you hit your mid-thirties, there should be some kind of Part Two to that conversation. All the ladies need to be rounded up, lead into a dimly lit classroom that smells vaguely of pencil...

Keep Reading

How Can You Love an Abusive Man? I Did—Until I Decided to Choose Myself.

In: Health, Journal, Relationships
How Can You Love an Abusive Man? I Did—Until I Decided to Choose Myself.

He walked over to the table I was sitting at with some friends and casually, yet confidently, pulled up a chair. His voice was deep and he had a luring accent that immediately caught my attention. His distinctly cut jawline along his perfectly trimmed beard made him seem older, I thought, than the age I’d soon learn he was. Our paths had crossed before like two ships in the night, forbidding us from ever quite meeting as we did that day . . . eye to eye, energy to energy He chatted with me and our mutual friends for a...

Keep Reading

I’m Not Sure How Long I’ll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal…and That’s OK

In: Cancer, Child Loss, Grief, Mental Health
I'm Not Sure How Long I'll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal...and That's OK www.herviewfromhome.com

I tried to wean off of Zoloft and couldn’t. And that’s OK. I had never really been aware of the world of antidepressants. My life has been relatively uneventful—with the normal ups and downs that most of us go through. I knew people on medication for depression but never understood. How can you be THAT sad that you can’t just be positive and make the best of your circumstances? How can someone be THAT unhappy ALL the time to need medication? I didn’t get it. I felt bad for people going through it. Then my 2-year-old was diagnosed with Stage...

Keep Reading

To the Mom With the Anxious Soul

In: Journal, Mental Health, Motherhood
To the Mom With the Anxious Soul www.herviewfromhome.com

I see you, mama. You’re the one sitting alone at the family party. You’re the one hovering a little too close to your sweet babies at the park. You’re the one standing in the bathroom at work for just a moment of quiet. Your thoughts are swirling constantly, faster and more fearful that a “regular” mama. You find yourself spaced out at times, and hyper aware at others. You’ve heard the words “just relax” and “everything is fine” more times than you care to count. Sometimes you wish you could make everyone understand why you are the way you are...

Keep Reading

I Am My Child’s Advocate—and Other Valuable Lessons a Stay in the PICU Taught Me

In: Baby, Child, Health
I Am My Child's Advocate—and Other Valuable Lessons a Stay in the PICU Taught Me www.herviewfromhome.com

What started out to be a normal Thursday ended with a race to the children’s ER with my six-month-old. I was terrified. My adrenaline was pumping. My baby was struggling to breathe. The day before, he had been diagnosed with RSV. A simple cold to most healthy toddlers and adults turned out to be life threatening to my infant.   Once we were admitted, I knew this was serious. I knew he was in danger. I could sense the concern and urgency in the doctor’s voice. I knew the gravity of that wing of the hospital he was being wheeled...

Keep Reading

To the Young Warriors Fighting Cancer, You Are Superheroes

In: Cancer, Child, Child Loss, Health
To the Young Warriors Fighting Cancer, You Are Superheroes www.herviewfromhome.com

Most people never get to meet their heroes. I have, in fact—I have met many heroes. These heroes didn’t set out for greatness; they fell victim to a terrible disease and faced it with courage, might and bravery like I have never seen before. And when we talk about this type of battle, there is no such thing as losing. whether the battle ended in death, life, or debility, each of these heroes defeated. My heroes are the innocent children who battle cancer. I high-fived, hugged, wept over, laughed and played with my heroes for 10 years as a nurse. And you better believe I...

Keep Reading