A year ago. It seems like a lifetime and only a day’s passing in so many ways. But a year ago I had a miscarriage and I thought my world was ending. I thought that my dreams of my two child family had been stomped on. Crushed.
A year ago I mourned over the little girl I was sure I lost (in truth, I have no idea the gender, but I felt certain). I screamed at God for taking her from me. I lambasted myself for the miscarriage.
This was all my fault, I was sure. I took the pregnancy for granted. I didn’t show enough appreciation or gratitude. I ate all wrong, didn’t exercise properly, and wasn’t sleeping enough.
A year ago I disintegrated at the thought of starting over. Trying again seemed like a prison sentence. Re-calculating my ovulation schedule. Rethinking what my family would/could look like if I got pregnant again in six months? Six years? Never?
I wish someone told me a year ago that it would all work out.
Yes, I had a miscarriage and would have to start again. I would mourn the loss and agonize over the “what-if’s.” But I would succeed, and a year later be pregnant with a healthy boy.
How much worry I could have avoided. All the self-pity, the terror of thinking I may never get pregnant again. The concern of another miscarriage. The self-imposed guilt that this was all my fault. It was all for naught. My dreams came true, and my family is expanding.
Of course, no one could have told me this a year ago. And hindsight is 20-20. I can’t take back the misery, the anxiety, or the fears. And in truth, my heart still aches for that little baby I lost last year. I still mourn her and think about who she might have been, and how old she would be now.
But my prayers have been answered with a little baby boy, scheduled to join our family very soon. And he is so loved already. A new life has been created, and he lives and thrives inside of me.
Nobody told me a year ago that my life would find new meaning, new beauty, and new balance. Nobody told me a little boy would join our family, and rock our world. And only now do I see why everything worked out the way it did and for what reasons. I see how much I’ve grown this past year, how much deeper my appreciation is for my firstborn, my husband, and the beautiful life we live.
It’s not how I would have planned it, but I’m finally at peace with how it came to be. And while I cherish the journey and everything that led me to where we are today, I wish someone told me a year ago that everything would work out.