Grief

Reflections of Seasons

Reflections of Seasons www.herviewfromhome.com
Written by Her View From Home

Fall is a time for change.  Leaves are changing colors, the animals are beginning to ready themselves for the long winter and did I mention football?  It is truly one of my favorite seasons.  Lately, I have had a chance to process a few things.  Some great things, some not so great and honestly, throughout it all, an epiphany of sorts. 

Change is not a comfortable thing for me.  Now, I did not say that I have resisted change, but I certainly do not enjoy it.  Along with fall, I begin to think about growing up on my farm.  I work hard to look at the positives, but when intense activities like harvest were happening, there also was a fair amount of stress.  Ensued the yelling, the reaffirmation that yes, you truly are dumb as a brick (and this is the kind way of saying it) and you will never amount to anything.  For a time, I comforted myself that as soon as harvest was over, then the “stress” would stop, too. 

I endured a lot of verbal abuse, and then there was the “bad touch” from two family members.  All of this “stress” the verbal and the physical, wore on my soul and my self-talk was that I would never amount to anything. I got positive feedback from outside sources like school. But what about my treasured inner circle? 

The verbal and physical abuse, well, it was my normal, my only real knowledge of how things work.  A rare positive interaction with an adult was so totally out of my realm of thinking that it made me so very uncomfortable.  I simply did not have the capacity to take it at face value. 

The first chance I had to leave this scene, I took it!  What I did not know at the time, was that I had an inborn ability of collecting people brought up in similar situations and that is what I gravitated toward.  No surprise, my next historical recollection is the “nice” guy who sent me flowers and complimented me.  You can imagine, this was my next big change and it was not a good one.  It is a classic tale of girl getting pregnant, girl gets married because that is what one does and then she finds herself with another child.  Then it gets bad, worse than my up-bringing, no money, no food, and oh the lovely words spoken to her.  Finally, I decided I had enough of this and took myself and my two beautiful children out of this situation. 

Now that I have more wisdom and can look back at this, my fatal mistake was to move right back to my old farm, the old stomping ground and along with it, all of those fun words spoken years ago.  

Here is my good news – I did manage to break the cycle.  Easy?  Oh no!  Recommended, well, not for the faint of heart.  I did it though.  While not in time to prevent dysfunction for my two children, but in time for a healthy marriage to a wonderful man and two wonderful children.  I pray so hard every day for all of the characters in my life who made me who I am.  Was it all bad?   No, not all bad.

What it was, is similar to the seasons.  It reminds me of Ecclesiastes 3 and the song, Turn, Turn, Turn.

Everything happens on God’s time clock.  Once you get this point, life is just so simple!  The old adage of “let go and let God” is golden!  That is the epiphany I have been experiencing as I go through another fall, “Surrender yourself to the Lord, and wait patiently for him.” Psalm 37:7, truly is all about timing!  I look at my life right now and I realize that this only could happen right now, not 10 years ago, not 10 years in the future, but right now!  Live each moment to the fullest, and drink in the season that you are in.  What a gift I have to live in Nebraska where our weather can change several times during the day.  

Let the change remind you that God has you in the palm of his hand. Embrace fall and love your family!

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