I can do a pull up. A full, real deal, no-cheats pull up. It took me 32 years, one Amazon Prime pull up bar order, and a final decision to train for American Ninja Warrior (ANW). But I finally accomplished the goal. (The first of many where ANW is concerned!) And let me tell you, IT FEELS SO GOOD.

It’s also still very difficult. I groan and grunt to get my chin above that bar. I used to focus only on that feeling. On the difficulty of it. The shaking muscles. The pain. The full body strain it took to get there. But focusing on how hard it was actually made the task itself even harder.I realized one day that I could change my focus. I could choose instead to focus on the strength I feel when I grip the bar. On the flexing muscles that have just a bit more definition than they did yesterday. I focus on the strength that I know I’m building with each rep; I imagine the tiny tears I’m creating in my muscles, knowing that when those fibers fuse together again, I will be stronger. Every time. Stronger. I breathe deeply, focusing on muscle memory, and it is suddenly easier to make it just a couple inches higher.I focus on how strong I feel as I pull myself up. 
This doesn’t just work for physical strength. I’ve been building emotional strength using the same strategy. I’ve been pitted against some pretty intense emotional challenges this last year.

I could’ve chosen to groan my way through meeting my husband’s mistress for the first time. Instead, I looked her in the eye and stepped forward, extending my hand to shake hers. And I felt the strength in my grip.

I could’ve grunted angrily under my breath when I first saw her hold my son. Instead, I felt the flex in my muscles as I hugged him tight the next chance I could, pulling my sweet boy extra close.

I could’ve focused on how difficult it was to see the picture of the two of them framed above their mantle or to smile at my son as he told me about the plans my ex-husband made for her birthday. But instead, I focused on how those little tears in my heart will mend, and my heart will be stronger for it.

I could’ve let myself shake with tears when I heard my child tell her he loved her for the first time. Instead, I breathed deeply and reminded myself of the depth and uniqueness of our relationship.

I could’ve focused on the pain of knowing that a family I’ve accepted as my own, and who has accepted me just the same, is moving forward with her, creating new relationships and bonds. Instead, I focused on the memories our family has already made and will continue to make, knowing they illustrate relationships that will never be broken.

I could’ve felt the full body strain of sitting alone, just a few feet from the two of them at soccer practice. While they sat close, huddled in the wind, sharing a mug of hot chocolate. While they talked quietly and laughed. While she wiped chocolate off the tip of his nose. While I shared custody of the high fives during water breaks. Instead, I squared my shoulders and sat just a couple inches higher. I smiled and made small talk, feeling endurance and strength building with each passing moment.

And once again, I focus on how strong I feel as I pull myself up.

Every time. Stronger.

This post was originally published on Kansas City Moms Blog.

Amber Dawkins

Amber wrote her first poem at the age of seven and has been writing somewhat more coherently ever since; she currently blogs with an amazing team of contributors at the Kansas City Mom’s Blog. In 2016, she left her position as a middle school teacher to focus on photography and is still in awe of the blessings God is bringing to herself, her family, and her clients through Amber Dawkins Photography. Amber lives with Cystic Fibrosis and CF Related Diabetes; she is still on the quest to finding balance in the business of motherhood and medications. She is also blessed to be mommy to Oliver, a preschooler with an empathetic heart, a contagious smile, and a head full of red spiky hair. Amidst adjusting to life as a newly single mom, Amber is in active pursuit of checking off her ever-evolving bucket list and most recently completed her first tandem skydiving jump!