Now that I’ve reproduced, I find that there are certain diaper bag essentials I will never again be able to do without. Little anti-bacterial squirt bottles and melted crayons from restaurants make my list, but endless packages of baby wipes top it. From the second I expelled my daughter and changed the shape of my loins henceforth, I swore never to be caught without a pack of wipes somewhere on my person. Here are ten non-baby-related reasons you MUST never be found without these miraculous little hiney cleaners ever again.
Ice cream drippage
Leaking ice cream cones is one of those ubiquitous hazards of warm weather that I hate. I have a tactile problem that doesn’t allow me to have sticky hands for more than a third of a second. Baby wipes can take care of cone seepage even on a 125 degree day in the desert. They even make your hands smell like clean baby butt instead of sour milk. Bonus!
Got a booger? Baby wipes can get it.
Not just any sweat. Chest sweat. Baby wipes can dry the girls out and freshen them up. You can then stuff your bra with them for a little liftie.
Dog park problems
Dog poo on your shoe? No problem. Whip out your handy baby wipes and scrub away.
If you live anywhere near my woodspath, you’ll drive through mosquitoes, mayflies, and other flying vermin the minute the sun drops to the tree tops. Baby wipes will take the fly flakes right off your chrome. I know this because I hit a bird a few years back. Baby wipes cleaned him right off the bumper along with all the fly guts.
Ever been licked by a giraffe? Spit on by a llama? Sneezed on by a buffalo? Don’t enter the drive-through safari without baby wipes. And a gallon of hand sanitizer. True story.
Baby wipes have been proven to get green marker out of white dog fur. Please don’t ask me how I know this. Just trust me.
First of all, I should note that it’s not a good idea to eat pasta or anything drippy right before an important meeting. In the event that you do and slop red sauce all over your shirt, baby wipes will fix it. Just strategically hold your very professional looking bag over your chest so people won’t think you’re leaking.
Bath on the Go
No time for a shower? Caught in the wilderness without so much as a stream in sight? Are you drawing flies? Cut down the swampiness with some wipes until you can get back to your favorite bodywash.
As the magnitude of diaper explosions I mopped up grew to disastrous proportions, I realized that these little wipes could be pretty handy for adult, um, bathroom issues, too. Baby wipes will leave you much fresher—kind of like a cucumber melon garden flourishing on top of a septic tank.
There you have it, folks! A few reasons why baby wipes rock. It’s crucial to keep ‘em nearby so you can always be prepared—you never know when you might get the trots at Target.