Here I am on the eve of my 34th birthday having a little pity party. I am on the verge of tears thinking I am 34 and single. Single and alone. No one wants me. I have nothing.
I keep telling myself this lie. This bull crap of a lie. I want to slap myself I am so angry. Angry at me for believing it. Why do I keep telling myself this? Why do I keep believing this? Why have I let this little seed of hate and falsehood grow inside of me? Why is it so hard for me to really cherish what I have?
When I really think about what I do have, I feel so ashamed. Selfish. Horrible. I have so much and I belittle it down to nothing. When I write out what I have in my life, they outweigh the nothing. My blessings are true, real, authentic, solid, and trustworthy. I want to weep in thankfulness. Yet, the lies always keep coming back. The comparison game tears me apart. I let the loneliness overtake.
I am selfish. I am ungrateful. I take advantage of what is given to me. I am a failure in the eyes of God. And everyone who loves me. Because I keep believing the lie I tell myself. I have nothing.
I know this is not true. I fall to my knees thanking God for the gifts and blessings He gives me. The life I live. The breath I take. The love I get to give and receive. I beg Him to forgive me. I am sorry. I am so very sorry for believing I have nothing. I am worth nothing. I am nothing. I am sorry for throwing the amazing people and opportunities I have been given back in your face. I am sorry for not trusting in you, Lord. I am so desperately sorry I am having trouble believing the unending and deep love you have for me.
These lies. These vicious, vicious lies. They sneak in. Whispering in my ear. You are not enough. You are weak. You can’t do this. You will never be pretty enough, smart enough, tall enough, fun enough. You are nothing. You have nothing.
LIES! All lies. But why is it so hard to see the truth? To see what I do have? I have more than I ever imagined I would. My sons who love me. My T & G are my greatest gifts. My family, whose love is more than just by sharing a name. My friends, who want to celebrate me. And not just on my birthday, but everyday. My tribe of women here on Her View. They accept me and embrace me for me. For my heart, my courage, my voice, my encouragement, and my weaknesses.
I get to live in a country where I get to work. Where I am able to live in my own home. Where I get to own a car, pay my bills, and raise my sons. Alone. I get to live in a time where my hopes and dreams matter. And can be achieved. I get to share my voice, my words, my heart with the World Wide Web. I get to be in a place I call home and I am not afraid to be me.
I get to worship God and His son Jesus. I get to talk, sing, write, and showcase His grace and forgiveness. He forgives me. He loves me. That is my biggest and best blessing.
When I start talking back to the lies, I lessen their impact. When I slap them back in their place, I let the gratefulness rise up. Yet, they keep coming back.
I am sorry. My dear loved ones, I am so very sorry. That I take what you give me and make it less. I am working to show you how utterly grateful I am. With words and actions.