Terror. Pure, unadulterated terror at the thought of the direction life might be taking. There is no other way to describe how a parent feels when they think they might be losing their child.

I’m one of the lucky ones; my little girl came back.

It was just a simple febrile seizure, they said. They’re very common in little ones my daughter’s age. They strike suddenly, are terrifying for a few moments, and then are gone without a trace: no permanent damage, no reason to fear a repeat. For us it happened last Friday; she was back to her normal self an hour or two later. But nearly an entire week later, and I am still not there.

How do you overcome what it does to a momma’s heart when she’s felt her one-year-old go stiff and then completely limp in her arms? How do you move on after watching your precious baby’s little lips turn blue? How do you reject the fear that lingers around your heart after calling your first born’s name over and over again with no response? Part of me fears that you don’t, and I’m sure that’s partially true.

Everyone said that having a baby changes you, and everyone was certainly correct. What most are fortunate enough to not know is that losing or almost losing your baby changes you, too. I loved her with all my heart last Thursday and told her so fifty times a day; today that love is double what it was then, and I tell her so a hundred times a day. After a tragedy or a “near miss,” you hug your little one a little tighter, rock a little extra, and put off chores just a little longer in the name of playtime and books and snuggles. Seeing the latest photo posted to Instagram or checking how many likes your most recent Facebook update generated become cares of the past. You maybe even lose patience a little less and find that never going to the bathroom alone isn’t such a bad thing after all.These are all good responses and changes that I can live with and even welcome.

But the waking up multiple times each night just to check on her and make sure she’s a comfortable temperature? The need to frantically call her name when she falls asleep in her car seat because what if she’s not just sleeping? The twice daily (at least) temperature checks even though I know she hasn’t had a fever in days? The fear that we’re not really out of the woods yet or that we’ll just be sucked right back into the darkness? It’s these changes and more that I hope are temporary.

And I’m not hoping that they pass just because they’re exhausting and make me feel like a crazy helicopter mom. I hope they pass because I know that, as a Daughter of the King, I was created for more than fear and worry. I am no longer a slave but an heir (Galatians 4:7). I was not given a spirit of fear but of power (2 Timothy 1:7). And, above all, if I can’t trust our Father with my girl, do I really think I can do any better?

My head knows these truths, and my heart once knew them, too. The trouble is that my heart seems to have temporary amnesia. The worry and the fear are still there; they’re still my current reality.

But I’m not alone, even in the fears, and I know that His hand will guide me through this, too. Just like He had my baby in His arms in her scariest moment, He’ll not drop me in my most frightened.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now!

Pre-Order Now

Amy Ledyard

Amy is a follower of Jesus, wife, and Momma living in the Carolinas. A former nurse, she is now staying home to be a full-time Mom, growing her lifestyle blog http://www.astoldbyamy.com/and keeping in touch with her creative side in pursuing her new favorite hobby: photography. Amy loves swimming, pretty much anything outdoors, a good cup of (decaf) coffee, traveling, and quality time with the ones she loves. She and her husband have an ever-growing list of places to visit, and Amy hasn't given up hope of one day living overseas.

Spanking Made Us Parents We Didn’t Want To Be

In: Faith, Motherhood
Silhouette of mother pointing finger at child

Fourteen years ago when my husband and I were preparing for our first child, we felt we already had several tools in our toolbox. Both of us worked with children and youth, and we felt prepared for parenting. We decided early on that we would never spank unless we were completely out of options.  As our bright, sweet, bubbly firstborn entered the terrible fours (yes, he was a bit delayed in his toddler rebellion), we were surrounded by a community of people who believed in “controlled spanking” with hugs and grace afterward.  RELATED: These 6 Words Transformed Discipline in Our...

Keep Reading

I Was Raised by an Easter-Only Mom and I Want More for My Kids

In: Faith, Motherhood
Mother and daughter read Bible

Motherhood is not for the faint-hearted, and women tend to look to their upbringing for guidance. We may not even realize we’re doing it! But being a godly mother is even more difficult when you weren’t raised by one. The questions are endless: How do I model forgiveness? How do I set the right priorities for my household? How do I explain baptism to my 6-year-old? Is it okay to have undiscipled friends around my children? Do we have to pray over every meal? Is the occasional swear word acceptable?  These questions may be less intimidating if you were fortunate enough...

Keep Reading

Even When it Feels Like I Can’t, I Keep Going

In: Faith, Motherhood
Tired mom holding toddler

When I feel like I can’t do one more thing. When I am overwhelmed and touched out and lost in the logistics of it all. When my physical and mental energy are depleted. When the length of my to-do list needs more hours than I have. When I am so bone tired that I’m sure I just can’t go on. And there is still more to do. And the only choice is to keep going– I keep going. I dig a little deeper and find strength I didn’t know I had. RELATED: Check on Your “Strong” Friend, She’s Faking it...

Keep Reading

What Happens When She Wants Another Baby and He Does Not?

In: Faith, Marriage, Motherhood
Husband and wife, pregnancy photo, color photo

I am on my knees, folded over, with my head resting on the carpet. I am in my closet, which doesn’t see much of the vacuum, and it is the only place I can find to sob out of sight. I feel hollowed out and defeated as if I have run a marathon and was cut short at the finish line. I cry out in prayer, pleading with God to soften the heart of my husband. I desperately want another child, and he desperately does not. I take a deep breath and dry my eyes because my 4-year-old outside the...

Keep Reading

Is Your Marriage on Cruise Control?

In: Faith, Marriage
Couple holding hands in car, above view

Cruising down the road, the highway curled before us like a ribbon into the horizon. Cozy road trips are a staple for my husband and me, and we look forward to the time together. Having been married for 37 years the adventure continues! We have loved each other through the ups and downs, and we have learned a lot about relationships. We also made a point of carefully watching successful relationships and surrounding ourselves with those whose marriages flourished. Nowadays, we have many young couples ask us what it takes to keep a marriage vibrant. One of the key ingredients...

Keep Reading

Ordinary Mornings, Extraordinary Grace

In: Faith
Emily Ley holding Sure as the Sunrise book by water's edge

“From his fullness, we have all received, grace upon grace” (John 1:16). Today, take note of what brings you gladness. That which gives you pause or causes you to take a deep breath. These are glimpses of God’s goodness in our lives, brought to life through moments and things, memories and sounds. Realizations and hope. In its biggest forms: a moment you wish you could freeze in time, and in its smallest: a sliver of grace, otherwise overlooked. I wake up to the smell of fresh laundry, sheets cool against my skin. One eye open, I peek down at the...

Keep Reading

She Just Needed to be Held

In: Faith, Motherhood
A little girl held by mom, color photo

“She just needed to be held,” I texted my husband after a two-hour battle to get my 3-year-old to bed. She’s been sick. Daddy’s been gone. And she needed to be seen. Held. Loved. And in that split second, I felt God say, “Just like you.” When things are chaotic. When we feel alone. When we feel weary. RELATED: God Sees You, Weary Mama When our spirit feels sick. When it all feels like too much to carry. We need Him. To breathe life into us. To remind us of our worth. To remind us of the hope He offers....

Keep Reading

Church Should Be a Sanctuary for Neurodivergent Kids

In: Faith, Motherhood
Child praying in church pew black and white photo

We still have a lot of work to do when it comes to the acceptance of loud, energetic, and spirited children inside the church. It’s easy to preach (pun intended) acceptance of every individual as God made them, but when a 9-year-old is shouting out, repeatedly during a sermon, or a 6-year-old is jumping from one pew to the next during the prelude, that’s when reality sets in. You hear the elderly man behind you whisper to his wife, “Back in my day, children were seen and not heard, what’s wrong with kids these days?” Then the single, 30-something across...

Keep Reading

Do You Ever Feel Like a Fraud?

In: Faith, Motherhood
Stressed woman side view

Hey, Momma. Do you ever feel like a fraud? Maybe it’s just me. Here I am . . . trying to build a life and career writing about motherhood. Yet, I don’t feel very good at it at all.  When my oldest was born 13 years ago, I decided on my own that we weren’t going to spank or yell.  Then, life changed.  One child turned into six over the course of a decade. And over the years, I’ve failed to keep the commitment I made all those years ago.  RELATED: I’m Not The Mom I Thought I Would Be...

Keep Reading

The Prayer Heard Round the World: ESPN Anchor Prays On-Air For Damar Hamlin

In: Faith, Living
Dan Orlovsky prays on ESPN for Damar Hamlin

No doubt you’ve heard it said (or even said it yourself): “I’m praying for you.”  In the wake of Damar Hamlin’s terrifying collapse midway through the first quarter of Monday night’s NFL game between the Buffalo Bills and the Cincinnati Bengals, it seems the entire nation has been praying for his recovery. We saw both teams kneel to pray as the ambulance carrying Hamlin left the field. There have been moments of silence offered across stadiums in Hamlin’s honor. Hamlin’s family issued a statement thanking the public for the outpouring of support and prayer: “We are deeply moved by the...

Keep Reading