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How to Avoid and Survive the Lice Apocalypse

  1. Don’t hug anyone, ever.
  2. That includes cuddles.
  3. Do NOT rest your head on anything anyone else’s head may have ever rested on.
  4. Don’t share hats.
  5. Wash everything, all the time. EVERYTHING.
  6. Take a nit comb through your own hair, and each member of your family’s daily.
  7. Whenever someone comes over, insist on checking their head like the monkeys at the zoo, before you allow them entrance.
  8. Ignore all the above, unless you want to be sad, lonely and miserable forever. Plus, you’ll probably get infected anyway.

It was early in the afternoon. The sides of my head, right above my ears, and the back of my neck were terribly itchy. This had been going on for several days. I tend to have a dry scalp, so I figured this was the problem. No matter how many showers I took, it didn’t get any better. I’d never had lice before, and figured lice was something only dirty people who never showered got. But the itching got more intense with every hour . . . and I wondered.

I went to the store, and bought a nit comb. I started where the itch was the worst, put it over my sink, and took a good look. It you have ever had lice before, you will know what a disturbing experience it is to see those little bugs wriggling around like, “Hey, who cut off the food source? I need me some more yummy human blood.” And the eggs, oh . . . the eggs. And did you know that they can spread to your eyebrows?

Horrifying.

I spent the next hour frantically combing through my hair, with a surprising sense of satisfaction each time I got another one of those mini blood-suckers. “You shall not live! Die! Die! Die!” Times like these put the pacifist part of myself to the test, which I clearly failed.

As I combed, I thought about how judgmental I had been about people who got lice, and how very wrong I was. Stupid judgmental karma kicked me in the booty, big time.

I then said a prayer to the karma gods to please spare my children, and my husband, but it was too late. When my kids got home from school, and my husband got home from work, a quick comb-through revealed my biggest fears. We were all infected. Each louse was a sign of hugs shared, and heads cuddled close together. Dang it, why did we have to be such a freaking loving family?

To kill the lice, and get rid of the nits (aka the eggs), here are the best options I found after a thorough, hours-long Google search.

  1. Buy some lice killer which you can find online or the grocery store, there are many options here.
  2. Douse your hair with mayo, and leave it on for at least 8 hours.
  3. Shave your head

You still must pick all the nits out with the nit comb, though. The kids and I opted for the mayo helmet, and were excited at the prospect of no more lice, and shiny hair. (Note: Our hair did not turn out shiny, unless you would describe the oily hair of Professor Snape as shiny). We lathered the mayo on super thick, followed by a thorough Saran wrap head-wrap, and added the finishing touch: a shower cap. It was super cute. Fair warning though, if it is at all warm, the mayo tends to drip and dribble down your face, your neck, and generally make you feel as though someone is drooling on you. And the smell . . . it lasts for days of shampooing multiple times a day. Also, it should be noted, Google will tell you it may be dangerous if you do this while you sleep, because you might get food poisoning from the mayo drool.

It took a while after the treatment to have the stomach for eating mayonnaise again, but eventually it returned, and I vowed that if there was a next time, I would use the lice killer. I also decided to buy like four bottles of the stuff in advance. If the lice apocalypse ever happens, I am prepared, friends.

Now, over a year later, each time I get an itch on my head, I run for the nit comb. Not healthy, I know. My daughter will hear the tell-tail zing of the nit comb from the other room, and laugh. “Again? Mom, you’re obsessed. You do not have lice.” Hey, better safe than sorry. 

The moral of this story? Don’t be like Katie, and watch out for that judgmental karma before it bites you in the scalp.

Katie-Rose

Katie-Rose is a wife, mother, livestock manager and writer. Her goal above all, is to live with intention. She loves a good laugh. She loves a good cry too, but can usually only manage it when she is beyond furious. On any given day you might find her chasing chickens, loving on her kids (or pulling her own hair out), working on her writing, and even sometimes, wallowing about what she is going to do with her life. You can find her at www.stepsforgrace.com and on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/StepsforGrace.

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