“I’m tired,” this is what is always said when someone asks me what’s wrong. But in reality, it’s so much more.
I’m tired of being the girl in the family who everyone knows will show up alone to any family gathering.
I’m tired of being invited somewhere and never receiving a plus one because they know I won’t need it.
I’m tired of planning to meet up with a group of friends and then hearing, “We can make it a group date with our husbands. Oh, don’t worry you can still come! You won’t be left out!” I’m tired of choosing to stay home because I’d be the awkward ninth wheel.
I’m tired of showing up to hang out with my friends just to find it’s a play date with their children as I sit awkwardly at a picnic table.
I’m tired of scrolling through Facebook and Instagram only to see engagements, weddings, and sappy love posts from everyone I went to high school with reminding me I was supposed to be first, but now I’m last with no one.
I’m tired of only being the bridesmaid and never the bride.
I’m tired of hearing, “One day when you least expect it, it will happen.”
I’m tired of hearing, “Just enjoy it now. Relationships aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.”
I’m tired of being everyone’s second choice.
I’m tired of hearing, “You’re amazing, but she’s just meant for me I think.”
I’m tired of trying to be positive and happy when I’m so upset.
I’m tired of forcing a smile EVERY DAY when I feel like breaking down.
I’m tired of being strong.
I’m tired of hoping and having faith.
I’m tired of asking God for this. It’s been six years that I’ve been asking. Where is He?
I’m tired of trying.
I’m tired of drowning myself in work so I don’t have to think about it.
I’m tired of waiting.
I’m tired of feeling bad about how I’m truly feeling and shaming myself for feeling this way.
I’m tired of telling myself be grateful for what you have and then saying I am but I don’t understand.
I’m tired of asking myself and God why.
I’m tired of disappointing people because of my decisions.
I’m tired of disappointing family because I’m not married or settled or have a family of my own.
I’m tired of being asked, “Do you have anyone special?” Only because it reminds me I don’t.
I’m tired of seeing families on the street and being angry, jealous, and hurt because I can’t have one for some reason.
I’m tired of seeing children go unloved and uncared for by parents who don’t want them when all I want is a family of my own, and it’s out of reach.
I’m tired of seeing significant others go unappreciated when I would do anything to have what they have.
I’m tired of not understanding.
I’m tired of saying he’s lost, or he’s riding a turtle and is too stubborn to ask for directions, when he isn’t coming at all.
I’m just tired.
To make it worse, I feel terrible that I feel tired because others have it worse. I know I’m just complaining, but when your heart hurts this bad, what else can you do? When you want something so much and it’s out of reach, how do you handle that? For the first few years, I took it in stride. But now, after six years, I’m starting to lose hope and faith, and I don’t know how to handle that.
But how do you tell all that to someone? If you do, they’ll think you’re crazy, or ungrateful, or complaining, or just whining. But the thing is, those feelings are so real you can taste them and they make you sick to your stomach. What then?
So when someone asks how are you? Or are you OK? What do you answer with?