Check on Your “Strong” Friend, She’s Faking it

Free shipping on all orders over $75🎄

A letter from your “strong” friend:

You forgot to check on me.

Did you feel that in your gut? Stop. This is not about guilt. I know that feeling all too well. Guilt over friendships, over missing appointments, over raising your voice or eating that donut. This isn’t about guilt and I want to be clear about that.

This is about awareness.

We flew our “check on your strong friend” flags high and preached to the world about depression and anxiety when fashion icon Kate Spade tragically took her own life. Months later—are we still checking?

You’ve asked me where I’ve been.
You said I seem off.
You’ve told me through messages and texts that you miss my videos and my posts.

You know what I heard? “Why aren’t you playing the role I need you to play? You aren’t keeping up. You are failing.”

I have over 1400 friends on fb and over 1000 followers and I can count on one hand who has actually “checked” on this “strong” friend.

I meet you for drinks when you’re facing a disaster. I bring you dinner or flowers. I send you texts. I’m your sounding board. I’m there to help you plan an event or trouble shoot an issue. I’m here to spread the word about your newest venture or achievements.

I haven’t been there recently. Have you noticed? Are you upset I’m not meeting your needs? Have you thought to ask why?

Maybe you’ve told yourself over and over that you haven’t heard from me, you should probably text me or check on me later . . . but you haven’t. I know. I do the same things. Again, this isn’t a guilt thing.

For months now I’ve been battling depression, anxiety and some enormous personal hurdles. GASP.

Did you expect me to put it all out there instead of withdrawing because I’m “strong?”

I’m not ready.

Did you expect me to continue to invest as much as I could in you, in my social media presence, in our friendship, despite my state of mind because I’m “strong?”

I don’t have it in me.

Did you wave away thoughts of checking on me because it would be too hard for you personally to listen, to truly listen, to me and my struggles because you just need me to be the “strong” friend?

I can’t play that role in your life right now.

Perhaps you’re thinking: “How are we supposed to know if you don’t tell us?” or “I’m going to give her space, she knows I’m here if she needs me.” That’s what I’ve done. I’ve done it to all my “strong” friends.

It just doesn’t work like that, at least not for me.

So, what? Now what? What is my point? This week, check on a strong friend. I don’t care if her IG feed says she just won the lottery and she lives in heaven. Truly check on her. Meet her for coffee if you can. Let her know you are there for her. Let her know you are a safe space.

Love you, friends.

Originally published on The JOY in Chaos

You may also like:

Life is Too Short for Fake Cheese and Fake Friends

I’m So Grateful For My “Always” Friends

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Her View Shop

FRIENDSHIP

Joy Holte

Joy Holte is an entrepreneur, writer and mama of 4. She learned many years ago that happiness is found not in fighting the chaos life brings but by seeing the JOY in it. You can find her on Facebook and Instagram at The Joy in Chaos.

Hey Friend, Meet Me in the Mess

In: Friendship, Living

If you come to our home, you’ll likely see a basket of folded or unfolded laundry waiting to be put away. You may even see a pile of dirty clothes hanging out by the washer. If you come to our home, you’ll likely find spitty bits in the sink from where little kids brushed their teeth in a hurry and forgot to rinse. Despite my best efforts, they always seem to find their way back. If you come to our home, there’s a 50-50 chance the beds will be made. If they were made, there’s a high chance they were...

Keep Reading

Your Husband Needs Friendship Too

In: Faith, Friendship, Marriage

As the clock inches closer to 7:00 on a Monday evening, I pull out whatever dessert I had prepared that week and set it out on the kitchen counter. This particular week it’s a trifle, but other weeks it may be brownies, pound cake, or cookies of some kind. My eyes do one last sweep to make sure there isn’t a tripping hazard disguised as a dog toy on the floor and that the leftover dinner is put away. Then, my kids and I make ourselves scarce. Sometimes that involves library runs or gym visits, but it mostly looks like...

Keep Reading

When You Need a Friend, Be a Friend

In: Friendship, Living

We have all seen them—the posts about the door always open, the coffee always on, telling us someone is always there when we need support. I have lived with depression my entire life. From being a nervous child with a couple of ticks to a middle-aged woman with recurrent major depressive and generalized Anxiety disorder diagnoses. Antidepressants, therapy, writing, and friends are my treatments. The first three are easy, my doctor prescribes antidepressants, I make appointments with a therapist, and I write when I feel the need. RELATED: Happy People Can Be Depressed, Too The fourth is hard. As I...

Keep Reading

Give Me Friends to Do Everyday Life With

In: Friendship

Two women at a sporting stadium, color photo

She sees me coming. A small wave from her house window and a silent invitation to come on over for our morning coffee. An unsaid invitation to connect with someone who gets the joys and challenges of being a mother. A quick, small, and valued break from life and stress and my house messes has become the perfect way to start the morning. A neighbor who has become a dear friend. Prior to this encounter, alarm clocks were ringing, breakfast was made, backpacks were packed, and shoes were missing. School mornings are rough. Motherhood is rough. The world around us...

Keep Reading

Sometimes Friendship Is Tested

In: Friendship

Sometimes our own experiences can be hard on our friends, especially when those experiences have to do with fertility and pregnancy. My friend and I met when our children were six months old at a mom’s group Christmas party. She was the only other mom there without a partner, her husband having refused to attend in favor of playing video games in the silence of an empty home just like mine. Her son was a day younger than my daughter. Although she was almost 10 years older than me, we became fast friends, bonding over the loneliness that is staying...

Keep Reading

Give Me Friends Who Aren’t Keeping Up with the Joneses

In: Friendship, Living

Following trends is nothing new. Long before Kitsch curls and Lululemon belt bags, there were perms and, well, the original fanny packs. There’s been a constant, circulating rotation of must-buys for us to feel cool or relevant. And we women have been especially pressured to think we need these things to be accepted and part of the elusive village. Keeping up with the Joneses (or Kardashians for that matter) has just never been my thing. There are plenty of reasons why I’ll never be called a trendy girl: I can’t afford to be one. I lack the stylish eye required....

Keep Reading

Lifelong Friends Are Golden

In: Friendship, Living

They know all your secrets. They can name your old elementary and high school crushes, your most embarrassing moments, your biggest regrets. They know the one you love and the ones that got away. They celebrate your greatest achievements and empathize with your wish-you-could-do-overs. You don’t have to be wordy in texts, phone calls, or conversations—you get one another. Weeks, months, and sometimes even years may pass, and you pick up right where you left off. Laughter with your crew is like none other—unrefined, unrestrained, childhood bliss relived. RELATED: Good, Long Distance Friendship is Hard But So Worth it You’ve...

Keep Reading

Thank You for Being a Friend Who Grieves Beside Me

In: Friendship, Grief, Loss

Friends with arms around each other photographed from behind

My loss has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to endure, and I honestly don’t know if I would be here without you and your love and support. To cry with you and to you. To sit with you in silence or filled with so many words. To feel you holding me literally and emotionally with your gentle and loving arms. RELATED: I’m the Friend With the Dead Mom To understand and witness that my loss is a loss to you too, and to feel that importance of my friendship and life to you. To randomly break...

Keep Reading

As Our Children Get Older, Friends with Young Kids Are Such a Beautiful Gift

In: Friendship, Motherhood

When I walk into our neighborhood pool these days, I’m often greeted by a small, usually wet, 4-year-old. Her face lights up and she runs toward me, wrapping her arms around my legs, and looking up at me from behind turquoise goggles. We bonded a few months ago when I decorated her wrist with an assortment of rainbow-colored, rubber bracelets and filled her a plate of marshmallows and strawberries. Now she draws pictures for me, jumps to me in the shallow end, and runs toward me if she spots me somewhere. Sometimes her mom, who is a dear friend...

Keep Reading

Friend, It’s Okay to Say No

In: Friendship, Motherhood

Woman holding coffee cup sitting by window and relaxing

Last week I hosted a sleepover birthday party for six girls. Six 5-year-olds descended on our house, invited by me in a weak moment of expansiveness and generosity to my 5-year-old’s birthday wishes. I fed them pizza and ice cream cake. They demanded candy. They staged a disco party. They stayed awake past midnight. Almost everyone cried at some point. The next morning—after serving six waffles with whipped cream, not with butter, why don’t you have strawberries?—I felt exhausted and annoyed at myself for taking this on. It was unequivocally a terrible idea. I should’ve known it was too much....

Keep Reading

Dear Husband, I'm In This For the Long Haul

Marriage

Dear Husband, I'm In This For the Long Haul

The Notre Dame Cathedral is Changed Forever and So Are Our Souls

Grief

Check on Your “Strong” Friend, She’s Faking it

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Her View Shop

Joy Holte

Hey Friend, Meet Me in the Mess

Your Husband Needs Friendship Too

When You Need a Friend, Be a Friend

Give Me Friends to Do Everyday Life With

Sometimes Friendship Is Tested

Give Me Friends Who Aren’t Keeping Up with the Joneses

Lifelong Friends Are Golden

Thank You for Being a Friend Who Grieves Beside Me

As Our Children Get Older, Friends with Young Kids Are Such a Beautiful Gift

Friend, It’s Okay to Say No

free email bonus

5 Ways to Connect with Your Kids

Check on Your “Strong” Friend, She’s Faking it

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Her View Shop

Hey Friend, Meet Me in the Mess

Your Husband Needs Friendship Too

When You Need a Friend, Be a Friend

Give Me Friends to Do Everyday Life With

Sometimes Friendship Is Tested

Give Me Friends Who Aren’t Keeping Up with the Joneses

Lifelong Friends Are Golden

Thank You for Being a Friend Who Grieves Beside Me

As Our Children Get Older, Friends with Young Kids Are Such a Beautiful Gift

Friend, It’s Okay to Say No

Previous Post

Next Post

You May Also Like

5 Ways to Connect with Your Kids