Our Keepsake Journal is Here! 🎉

Please find it in your heart to be both my mother and my friend.

As I do with my own daughter, please see that you probably get the worst of me. But that means the rest of the world gets the best. And you should be proud of that.

I failed for a moment to meet your needs. I hoped for a second for a drop of mercy from a misunderstanding. I trusted for a second that when you said you could handle the truth, it was true.

It wasn’t. It never is. So like you do, you fought me. You attacked me. You told me I was wrong and damaged and hateful. You screamed it to my shaking tears. You assured me my greatest fears were real. That I’m not just in a slump, and that my friends are there out of mercy, not love. That I’ve ruined my children through my shame.

RELATED: My Toxic Mother Made Me a Better Parent

But you’re my mom, so I always believe you. I always need to save you. I always need you to tell me everything will be OK. I need you to be proud of me.

I can’t stop the need. I can’t cut the tie.

I can’t walk away from that sense of responsibility. I can’t stop hoping I’ll do something to make you proud. I run marathons though you’ve told me my miles are wasted. I’ve graduated though you’ve said I wasn’t a success. I’ve held jobs despite your sabotage. I drink though you’ve said it would bring me to hell. I write about you, but I don’t tell.

She’s old enough now, my daughter. She sees me as a woman, a fellow daughter. Do you realize she sees what you do? She watches you tear me down and wait for me to build you back up the next day. She wants to smooth it over, fix it. I won’t hide you. She deserves to know what a relationship with you is like.

I’ve chosen it for myself. I choose the abuse. I choose any relationship over no relationship. I choose the put-downs. I choose the judgment. I choose the burden.

Not everyone does, and I understand why.

She gets to choose, too. My daughter is watching. I want her to love you like she should be able to. I will protect her, but I will not let her walk blindly into believing your love comes for free. I know you love me, but I know you will destroy me and everything I strive for the second you don’t approve. She deserves to make her own choice.

RELATED: I’m Walking Away From My Toxic Mother

I hope she has a strength I do not. I hope she knows she is loved with compassion on her worst days the same as her best. I hope she knows she doesn’t need the approval of someone who tears down everyone who threatens their reign as the center of attention. I hope my daughter knows I’ve stopped your patterns of destruction.

But mostly I hope you stop destroying. Please, stop destroying me.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Her View From Home

Millions of mothers connected by love, friendship, family and faith. Join our growing community. 1,000+ writers strong. We pay too!   Find more information on how you can become a writer on Her View From Home at https://herviewfromhome.com/contact-us/write-for-her//

My Manipulative Mother Does Not Control Me Anymore

In: Grown Children, Living, Motherhood
Mom hugging child

“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth” -Author Unknown Hi, my name is Catherine and I am a survivor of a narcissistic, manipulative mother. Those words took me almost 47 years to type and a lifetime of trauma. I grew up in a family of four. The perfect blend of having a mom, dad, and brother. Yet we were dysfunctional in so many ways. Although, of course, at the time, I didn’t realize it. I just thought I had to try harder, be better, and earn my mother’s love more and more each day. As...

Keep Reading

My Child is Not a Pawn—She’s a Person

In: Motherhood
Family walking away

In healthy relationships, a new baby can bring people closer together. People love holding and snuggling babies and getting pictures and videos—especially family members. It makes them feel involved in this new person’s life and like you are connected to them and so is your child.  Also, babies are an easy conversation topic because there are a plethora of questions about a child’s life—what are they doing, what are they saying, what foods do they like/dislike, how are they sleeping, etc.  But, sometimes, in unhealthy, broken relationships (especially with family) a new baby can be treated like a pawn for...

Keep Reading

I’m Distancing Myself From My Dysfunctional Family

In: Living
Woman sitting alone at table

“You are an island, Melanie—an island alone!” she yelled at me. Her words were in part, a statement of what she thought was the obvious and as a much larger part, an attempt at shaming me. To inflict shame on me, or guilt me into changing. From an outsider’s perspective, yes, I may be on an island, alone in my unwillingness. Some may call me stubborn and say my actions will be frighteningly regrettable. Others may say I should be ashamed. Others may understand. Don’t get me wrong, there is a ton of shame. The weight of shame weighs heavy...

Keep Reading