In the 8 months since my marriage ended, I have experienced things I never imagined I would. I found myself at a turning point in my life. I have learned so much about myself in this divorce journey. As I continue to navigate it, I will learn even more. Everything is still new and I am still grappling with the end. Yet, beginning anew is looking mighty bright.

No divorce is the same.

Every marriage is unique, making every divorce different. Yet the journey is similar. We all feel hurt, sadness, guilt, loneliness, grief, anger, confusion, and utter desperation. We are all swimming in these emotions. The stages of these emotions differ in frequency, length, and intensity. And I want others to understand that I am going at my own pace, in my own time.

Don’t listen to all the advice.

Everyone has advice for divorce, even people that are not or have never been. I became overwhelmed with it all. I had to remind myself of what is stated above. I had to listen to my heart and realize my situation is not theirs. But mine. And I have to live with how I handle it. I might seem naïve or too nice. I am not. I just want to show my boys what goodness and kindness looks like. Those qualities in me does not equal weakness.

I will NEVER get use to missing out on my boys’ lives.

Every other weekend, I pack them off to Dad’s. I miss their sweet voices, their little arms around me, waking up to them. I will miss holidays, first experiences, and precious time with them. It will get easier but it will never sit right with me. I will struggle always with this.

I am stronger than ever.

Being a mom makes a woman strong. Divorce makes her stronger. My spouse told me he didn’t think I was strong enough to get through this. Well, he doesn’t know me anymore. My strength and courage is more than he could ever imagine. I have more than he ever will. And I like it that way.

I don’t love him anymore.

But I can look back at our times and years together fondly. I can speak to my children of the love that was present and the joy they bring to both of their parents. I will work hard to be a good co-parent with him so my sons thrive. I will try to be friends. I will do this because I did love him. And I want to honor and respect the love that created my two boys.

I don’t have time for games.

When I finally date, I want a man who is strong, passionate, and stable. I am not wasting my time with someone who is still looking for himself or finding his happiness. I want someone who adores me, loves me, and strives to be better for me and my sons. I want a good man. A Godly man. And I deserve it. I am worth it. I am not settling.

I am not broken.

I am healing. I am finding peace and forgiveness. I am finding God and his amazing son Jesus. I am finding true and good friends. I am finding my inner strength. I like who I am. I am proud of what I am becoming. I am holding my head high. I am not weak. I am not someone to pity. I will not let this become who I am. This divorce does not define me. Who I will be in the end will astonish. It will amaze. It will encourage. It will endure. No. I am not broken.

This divorce was never about me.

In the beginning, I thought I did something wrong. I should have tried harder. Been a better wife. A sexier wife. A career wife. A whatever to make him stay wife. What did I do wrong? Nothing. I did everything I could. I loved him. I supported him. I tried to be his partner and friend. I did everything with all that I had to make this marriage work and flourish. The end of our marriage is not on me. No never on me. A marriage will never survive if only one person is doing that. But this new beginning in my life is on me. Only me.

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Katie Weber

Me. My two little men. My second change. Motherhood. Depression. Divorce. Love. God. laugher. Friendship. My lovely. It's all right here. Follow along for more at Lovely in the Dark. 

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