At first, you’ll get lost in her sad eyes. Eyes that will haunt you in your dreams. You’ll feel the need to save her, to protect her from the pain she is experiencing. You’ll feel the deep-rooted brokenness in every kiss, every touch, and every embrace. You’ll see that she’s a different kind of girl, for she’s lost the most important person of her life.

She knows what its like to be left behind. To feel lost and alone  That is why she clings with all her might to every interaction you have. Because she knows that memories are all she will have left when you leave her. Because you will.

Everyone leaves, in her mind.

She will build walls as high as a mountain to protect her heart. You’ll probably get tired of trying to tear those walls down, but she will fight to keep them. You’ll be mesmerized by the beautiful waltz she does shutting you out. It is well-choreographed and practiced many times. It’s a beautiful and tragic dance she does so well. It’s her armor, always protecting her and guarding her from people, even people who love her.

It will sadden you thinking of how many times her heart has shattered as she shuts down when people get close to her, how many times she has tripped and fallen in the chaos of sadness. How long will she be able to keep up the dancing before she finally crashes? And will you ever be able to see her behind the walls?

The closer you get to her, the faster she runs. She will become cold and distant. You finally lose interest thinking you may never catch up to her. You see, a motherless girl will fly away before she’s chained down again. She will leave you before you get the chance to leave her. In her mind, everyone will leave her before she gets the chance to say goodbye. Because she has lost the person who was supposed to love her forever, without saying goodbye. This has forever changed how she views life.

It’s not that she doesn’t want to love you and let you in; it’s that she is scared to. She can’t handle loving someone so deeply just to lose them all over again.  She wants so badly to let you in, to let you see she is hurting, to let you see her pain. But her mother taught her how to be strong. So she will act tough and pretend she doesn’t need you.

She will cry a lot but she will never let you see those tears. She sees them as a sign of weakness. She will hide from you at first; be patient. Let her know you won’t leave her, that you will stay, even on the bad days. Especially on the bad days. She won’t be able to accept your love for she feels unworthy of it. She feels she is too broken and damaged to be truly loved by someone.

When she finally lets you in, you will finally see the pain, the darkness, the deep longing she has just to be held and comforted. You’ll see the empty, hollow hole that her losses have created in her soul. You’ll see the shell of the human she once was. You’ll see how the death of her mother has made her a broken soul.

But please, remember that deep beyond that facade, there is just a little girl lost and lonely, roaming the streets of life trying to find her way. Trying to find her identity and her direction. Trying to find her way back home again.

All that she truly wants is someone to care, someone to hold her when the waves of grief knock her back down to her knees. All she wants is to know you won’t leave her in a heap on the kitchen floor, sobbing uncontrollably.

She wants so badly to believe you are different, that you won’t be shaken by her darkness. She wants to know you will keep her safe and not hurt her any worse than she already has been hurt. All she wants is for someone to stay.

She wants to know that you will stay.

If you get the chance to love a woman who has lost her mother, do so with all you’ve got. Because she deserves that, for she’s been through hell and back. Let her know every day that she is worthy of your love. Show her that her tears are not a sign of weakness, but strength. Be the man who wipes those tears away. Let her know you want to be the one who makes her smile through her sadness, through her grief. 

Remind her she is not broken, but beautiful. Remember these walls are only trying to protect her fragile heart. Believe in her. Remind her every day that you won’t leave her like all the others, that your love is here to stay. Even through the darkness and pain. Remind her every day and mean it .

Because when you eventually get to the other side, it will all be worth it, because she will love you with everything she has left in her.

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Jessica Grillo

After suffering the loss of my sister and mother in March, I started writing about my personal journey through this lonely and brutal process . I found my voice, I found my truth , but most importantly I found healing in the words that were flowing from my soul.