Disclaimer: I have two children, one of them is still a baby some would say, as he isn’t yet two. I know, two kids already? Girl, please. Yep, I get the annoyance, but hear me out.

Baby fever can be a sickness.

It can be a terribly stressful and burdensome addition to any life. Even a mother of two. Baby fever can strike anyone in any stage. I have witnessed several friends unable to conceive that either have or don’t have children who have been struck by this (sometimes) awful feeling and truly I know how they feel.

I always wanted to have seven or eight kids. No joke, I admired that big family on 16 (or was it 17) and counting. I thought the bigger the family, the better and I figured our family would continue to grow sooner than later. But then I got this crap of a diagnosis, the hell-bent destroyer of fertility: endometriosis. I wasn’t even all that worried at first. It was painful and it was uncomfortable but in the beginning, I didn’t understand the toll it was taking on my body. It wasn’t until I lost my right ovary to the nasty little disease that I first started to radiate with intense baby fever.

I’m sure for some, baby fever is nothing more than a cute saying or description. A “Oh my, she has baby fever, she’s always trying to hold somebody’s baby.” Or “They just got married, I bet she’ll have baby fever before the year is up” kind of thing. However, there are women out there that know wanting a baby and experiencing the difficulties in conceiving can be straight up maddening. Getting your monthly visit from Aunt Flo is never any fun, but when you’ve been taking vitamins, checking apps, and doing the deed every couple of minutes, getting your regular period becomes devastating. It’s a monthly reminder that there might be a kink in the system and your dreams of pregnancy and (more) babies are another month away.

My frustrations started a few months after my second surgery (within a three-month period!) due to endometriosis. I had to have my ovary removed because it was damaged but I was assured by my doctor and countless hours of online research that my remaining ovary would take over the job without pause. As soon as the doctor gave me the all clear I was on a mission to baby number 3. As months began to pass I started to question my usual speedy ability to get pregnant. I swear I was pregnant within a month of even considering a child the first time around, and within two months the second time around.

This time was different.

I started to sweat. My prayers changed from an air of gratitude into focused pleadings for another child. I was slowly losing my mind. Every month I was sure I was pregnant. I was nauseous. I was tired. I was moody. And drum roll . . . I was not with child. And it sucked. Pregnancy tests seemed to mock my stupidity. I was stuck in a cycle of trying to get pregnant for two weeks, hoping I was pregnant for two weeks, ending in an always shockingly negative test followed by my period, with a deeper and deeper sense of the blues overlapping it all.

Then something changed. I got sick of myself and I finally opened my eyes and started trying to accept the fact that I may never become pregnant again (sob), I may never breastfeed again (sob), I might have to get rid of all this baby stuff I was saving for my football team of children (snotty nose sob). As I begin to stare down the tunnel of possibly needing a hysterectomy at 34 (yes, things are getting that bad) I have made some changes that might help someone else out there suffering from this feeling of emptiness or brokenness that I would like to share.

1. Give it some time

Even my doctor says it takes a little while after the kinds of surgery I’ve had to get things rolling properly and I’m also older and not as fertile myrtle as I used to be. People not suffering from some sort of disease and otherwise healthy should know that most fertility clinics ask that you have been trying for a full year of properly timed “baby-making” before seeking help. Some people get pregnant as soon as they have the thought, others must try a bit harder or longer.

2. Stop trying for a while

Crazy enough that’s how most people that struggle with getting pregnant end up with a bun in the oven. They stopped trying so hard. When sex becomes a job and folks are on the clock, it loses its luster. The best start for a new life has got to be one from a true “love-making” session. Give the creams, the pills, the ovulation apps, thermometers, pee sticks, and all of it a rest and just be. I swear I wasn’t even trying when I got pregnant with my first, I was just head over heels in love with my husband. (Still am!)

3. Talk to someone who can help

Other people might need to speak to a doctor or a fertility specialist. I needed to call on God. I need a healing that can only come from above. Not only does my body physically need healing, my mind and heart do as well. As soon as I looked upward instead of inward, I FINALLY realized everything I already have to be grateful for, and I am slowly (still working on it) finding peace in God’s plan for our family whatever that may be. After all, the plan I want to be on is God’s, not my own.

I vividly remember shortly after I had my youngest, a friend of mine came over. She had two kids of her own, her youngest was only a year older than mine. But she teared up holding my brand-new baby. She told me how much she craved that feeling of pregnancy and a newborn. She shared with me that she had used IVF with some of her frozen eggs to have both of their children due to her husband having some serious medical conditions and they just could not afford to do it again.

At the time, I couldn’t understand how she could feel so strongly about babies. She had babies! Two beautiful babies. But now I know that feeling. It’s an ache that for some women never really ends. Life will always have its sufferings, some small and some grand, I am just so thankful that when I do get a little down about this subject, God gave me two little rascals that pause every now and then to let me hold them and smell them and look at them and cherish all those special mom and baby moments from the past.

If you are suffering in the midst of baby fever talk to somebody, talk to God, talk to a friend, talk to your mom, or a doctor. It is legitimate, it does hurt, you don’t have to go through it alone. And you aren’t broken! Special orders always take a little longer to prepare. Trust that God has your order and according to His plan, it’s coming in one way or another.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now!

Pre-Order Now

Kim Derrick

Kimberlie Derrick, the creator ofhttp://justahotmess.com/ is freelance writer living on the east coast. She is happily married with two young sons and praying for more! She received degrees in Psychology, Anthropology, and African American Studies from the University of Houston and spent time studying abroad in West Africa. She is currently working on her first series of children's books about a quirky kid named Quincy.

Worrying Is Part of the Job

In: Baby, Motherhood
Woman's hands holding baby head

My baby girl is four. How did four years go so fast? It blows my mind how much children develop in a short amount of time. One day they can’t lift their heads and then suddenly they’re shouting, “Go away, Mommy!” Lucy is my rainbow baby. She was born on a Wednesday evening in October. Our first day with her, we rested and gazed at our little creation. At midnight on Friday, we sent Lucy to the nursery so I could rest. At 2 a.m. a doctor rushed in. He flicked on the lights. Our tired eyes were blinded. “Lucy...

Keep Reading

I’m Sorry It Didn’t Come Naturally

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mother holding newborn in hospital, color photo

I should have spent every waking moment with you. I should have been right there by your side through every difficult and challenging moment you faced. I should have moved hell and high water to make sure I was there. But I didn’t. And I should have. I’m sorry the first days of your precious little life were filled with strangers and wires and loud noises. I’m sorry you were being poked and prodded from the moment you finally opened those little eyes. I’m sorry that the angel nurses of the NICU were there for you when your mommy should...

Keep Reading

Dear Sophia’s Mama

In: Baby, Motherhood
Baby in isolette inside NICU

I think about you often. I noticed you on our second day in the NICU. I was in the hallway in front of your daughters’ room speaking with our nurse. You looked up from your chair and tried to smile. As I walked away, I looked at the nameplate on the door. Sophia. From where the rocking chair was in our room, I could see out our door to Sophia’s room. Over the next few days, I noticed your daughter’s door proudly displayed several milestones. “Off ventilator” and “first-time mommy held you” made me realize you were seasoned here. Your...

Keep Reading

The End of Maternity Leave Makes a Mother’s Heart Ache

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mother holding infant on shoulder

As my last week of maternity leave begins, my heart feels heavier and heavier in my chest. I can’t fall asleep at night for fear that I haven’t fully appreciated this time with my sweet baby girl. I know plenty of moms who find joy in returning to their old routines. Mamas who feel peace in knowing they can unlock a part of themselves they haven’t used in 12 weeks.  As for me, I’m filled with an anxiety I’ve never felt before. I’ve waited my whole life to be someone’s mama. I’m doing it for the first time, and while...

Keep Reading

Hyper-what? The Toll of Hyperemesis Gravidarum

In: Baby, Motherhood
woman with morning sickness in bathroom

Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Hyper-what? It sounded like some fancy medical diagnosis that would never touch my life, but . . . alas, here I am several months deep. I remember briefly hearing about Kate Middleton’s battle with it, but I never thought it would affect my own life, especially after having four prior uncomplicated pregnancies and births. I want to share my personal story because I’ve been lucky enough to find a few fellow moms who shared their stories with me. Without the help of those who had experienced the diagnosis, been transparent about it, and made it out on the...

Keep Reading

Time Moves a Little Faster with You, My Last Baby

In: Baby, Motherhood, Toddler
Woman hugging toddler

Something about that last bottle of formula I made, it makes me wonder where did this last year go? I feel like I just brought you home from the hospital. In the middle of a pandemic. We had no visitors like we did with your brothers. No cards, no flowers, just me, you, and daddy. Those 2.5 days flew, and we were on our way home. Time moves a little faster with you. You’re our last baby, and I am about to make the last bottle of formula for you, the last everything. It all hits me at once. This...

Keep Reading

I Carry the Baby I Lost In My Heart

In: Baby, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Early sonogram image of baby

I ignored it at first, the pink on the tissue. It wasn’t anything to worry about. I’d known for three weeks at this point that I was expecting baby number three, and I was still giddy about it. In fact, I had just shared my news with people at work and told them when I was due.  I couldn’t wipe the smile from my face.  So, when I visited the bathroom, I ignored it.  Two healthy textbook pregnancies and births, why would this be any different?  But, looking back, there was a little nagging voice at the back of my...

Keep Reading

Don’t Fear the Gap

In: Baby, Kids, Motherhood
Baby lying on mother's chest, black-and-white photo

I was afraid of the gap. You know, the one where you have some kids and then wait several years to have another? That gap. When we moved here, we kept all the baby things because we weren’t ready to say we were done but weren’t ready to start over. Moving to the farm brought wayyy more chores than our neighborhood home and adding a tiny human to that mix felt a bit crazy. RELATED: I’ll Always Want Another Baby There were months of back and forth . . . talk of barefoot baby feet stomping all over this place...

Keep Reading

Having a Late Preterm Baby Is Hard Too

In: Baby, Motherhood
Mother holding infant, color photo

I see you, mama, who holds her breath while they bag your brand-new baby. Asking “is she okay?” and being met with “everything is fine” when you know that everything is not fine. The baby who was due in just a few weeks. The baby, who just a few hours earlier, you joked “wanted to surprise us early.” The baby who was fine on the monitors just minutes before. I see you, mama, when they tell you they are transporting your baby to the NICU. The baby you held for five minutes before they took her to the nursery for...

Keep Reading

Dear Loss Mom, Grieve Your Baby In Heaven Without Guilt

In: Baby, Grief, Loss

My third baby was due on October 19, 2019. Instead, she was born into heaven on March 24, 2019. Not only do I grieve her more in October than in other months because of her due date, but I also grieve for so many other parents who have also lost their children.  RELATED: A Letter To My Mama From Your Baby In Heaven Pregnancy loss is such a strange journey to walk through. I’m years into it, and there are still days when the grief hits and the tears come and I can’t breathe. On other days, I am so...

Keep Reading