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Yes, I am admitting that when I found out I was pregnant I was not completely on-board. At least not at first. Before you hate me, or tell me what a horrible mother I am, please read on.

The day I found out I was pregnant with my second child, I already had a three-month-old baby girl that I was tending to night and day. I was exhausted from breastfeeding, pumping, middle-of-the night diaper blowouts, all the things that new motherhood brings. I was just getting adjusted to my new life and job title: Mother. When people tell you nothing prepares you for being a parent, BELIEVE THEM. I’m the first to admit, before I had kids, I thought people were exaggerating when they said motherhood was the toughest job in the world. They weren’t.

So without going into explicit details of my body and my intimate relationship with my husband. I will just say this, due to just having my first child three months prior, it was difficult to know right away I was pregnant again. But, never underestimate the power of a woman’s intuition. I can’t explain it, I don’t think anyone can but God himself. You women know it, you have felt it, and please trust it. I did, and I was right. I had no symptoms to go by, no cycle back in place to tell me I was preggers, just a little voice saying, “take a test!”

When the results came back positive, I would love to lie to you and say I was over the moon excited and happy. Really, I was terrified and confused. Again, without going into explicit details, my husband and I had taken all precautions to ensure something like this didn’t happen. I will tell you it took more than one test to convince my husband that baby number two was already in the making. (You’re welcome First Response for the financial contribution from our family over the years.)

From there, I went through all the stages of grief, shock and denial to depression and then acceptance. Please don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t grieving the fact I was pregnant, I was grieving the plan I had for my life. I was grieving my old life. I knew things would never be the same, and it scared me. A lot.

I thought getting through a pregnancy the first time was difficult. (I have difficult pregnancies with morning sickness that lasts all day the entire pregnancy and high blood pressure.)  Now this time around add an infant to take care of on top of a difficult pregnancy. No fun.

Surviving my second pregnancy was a huge achievement. I realize for some moms out there pregnancy is a breeze, but not this mama. Call me weak. Call me less of a woman. I can take it, I know the truth.

So after a 45-minute C-section, our family of three, became a family of four. Even the hospital stay was different. The first time around my husband stayed at the hospital with me the whole time. This time around he had to take care of our 11-month-old and couldn’t be there as much.

One thing is for certain. No matter the circumstances or the timing, just like the first time I held my daughter, I was instantly in love with my son. It may not have been the way I had envisioned it, and trying to divide my time between a newborn and a 1-year-old would prove to be quite challenging. The fact remains, our family is complete and that little man has stole my heart in ways I can’t explain. Today I will tell you having him is one of the most positive things in my life, I am so grateful the test turned out the way it did.

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Kimberly Patterson

Kimberly Patterson is a writer, wife and mother of two adorable, over-zealous toddlers. She spends her days in yoga pants, pecking away at the keys on her laptop and pulling her kids off of whatever household furniture they climb upon. She has been published on The Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Her View From Home, The Mighty, and several other publications. Read more of her insights at truthisinthewriting.com.

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