To my unexpected blessing,

It’s hard to believe, even for a second, I thought life would be fine without you.

You were unexpected and I was so scared.

Staring down at those two pink lines in the basement bathroom at work, I was in shock. I wasn’t even sure how I would tell your daddy, because weeks before that we had decided another child would be too much, too heavy of a load.

It feels shameful to even admit that I didn’t worry as much about the thought of losing you, because I was incredibly wrapped up in my own life. With the craziness of a one-year old and a demanding career. With a marriage I barely had time for and the little I was giving myself. How would I be able to give to another child?

You were unexpected and I was so scared–but God wasn’t.

The months I carried you were flooded by carrying your brother, a new home, work changes, and the balancing act life requires. I barely had time to savor in my pregnancy, to prepare your nursery. Each night I would crawl into bed, place my hand on you and whisper, “I am so sorry.” I felt incredibly guilty for being tired, unprepared, and distant. My heart was already full; how could it love this way again?

You were unexpected and I was so scared–but you weren’t.

You were crying, and then they placed you in my arms. The sound of my voice, the touch of my skin, the warmth of my arms–you silenced my head and grew my heart. You showed me that I shouldn’t be worried about the unexpected, and you have reminded me of this every day since. We adjusted, and although it was rough at first, I soon realized it was the way it was always meant to be.

You were unexpected and I was so scared–but now I am not.

My dear baby, yes, you may have been unexpected, and yes, I may have been scared, but you were always part of the bigger plan. A year of firsts has come and gone. A beautiful bond built with your brother, bear hugs for daddy, and sweet kisses for me. A silly boy who uses every inch of his face to smile, and breaks out dancing in the middle of a restaurant. You never shy away from a cuddle, and the way your body molds into mine? God made it the perfect fit.

Sometimes, we aren’t ready–but life is. You have taught me to believe change is beautiful, to believe a heart can grow, and believe that sometimes, the things we are most scared of are the things that teach us to live. 

Yes, you were unexpected, but you were always loved.