I used to know things. Truly, I did.

Things like how to arrange cut flowers. How to balance a checkbook or apply eyeliner. What kind of pants were in style.

I knew who won Oscars and Grammys. Who played in Superbowls. Who was on The Tonight Show.

Then I became a parent, and it appears that I now know NOTHING.

I have three sons, and I spend the entirety of my days asking them questions.

Basically, all I say is stuff like Why is the bathroom floor wet? Where are your shoes? What’s on your FACE? 

  • Do you think your tummy-ache might be from the Play-Doh you ate this morning? 
  • Rather than jump off the piano, could we jump on the trampoline? Rather than jump off the bunk beds, could we jump on the trampoline? Rather than jump off the camper roof, could we jump on the trampoline?
  • How long will we be keeping these crayfish in the bathtub?
  • Is it deck chalk or sidewalk chalk?
  • Is it car chalk or sidewalk chalk?
  • Is it door chalk or sidewalk chalk?
  • Has anyone seen the super-glue? Has anyone seen my rubber bands? Has anyone seen my stapler?
  • Who can tell me why my tulips’ heads are chopped off? Why is there a mound of wood chips in the yard?
  • You’d like some breakfast? What would we call the three pieces of toast and pint of blueberries you had 15 minutes ago? Wait, are you eating dog food?
  • Where are my clothespins? Where are the six rolls of tape I bought last week? SWEET MOSES WHERE ARE MY SHARPIES?
  • Why is my pillowcase wet? Why are your socks wet? Why is the couch wet? Why is the wall wet?
  • You can’t tie your shoelaces, but you can tie 143 knots in the mini-blind cords?
  • How did you get up there? How are you going to get out of there? Where even are you? Can you breathe okay in there?
  • What are you EATING? The lunch meat I bought this morning is GONE? Where are you getting Halloween candy in MAY? Grilled cheese? Wait, did we even have grilled cheese this week? Where did you find that?
  • Are those Daddy’s racquetballs floating down the river? Why is there 100 feet of toilet paper through my house? Does Daddy know you have his drill? Is that my plunger in the sandbox? Do you have any TOYS to play with? 
  • Isn’t 38 degrees a bit chilly for shorts? Where are your SHOES? Shouldn’t you be COLD?
  • Who cracked my window?
  • Who drew on my wall?
  • Who drew on my bookcase?
  • Who drew on my cushion?
  • Who drew on my dresser?
  • Who drew on my bench?
  • Who drew Luke Skywalker on your butt? (‘cuz it’s actually pretty good…)
  • Will you be cleaning the shower door after pressing your butt cheeks against it? Do you think it’s appropriate to have 150 photos of your butt on the iPad?
  • What is that brown stuff on the carpet?
  • Who painted eyebrows on the dog? Does the dog ride YOU? Why is the dog wearing my $50 bra? How would you like it if the dog put his penis on YOUR forehead?
  • How did you think it would feel to roll down the stairs on a beanbag? Do you actually TRY to hurt yourself? HOW do you keep getting stuck in your seat belt?

I Used to Know Things (Then I Became a Parent...) www.herviewfromhome.com

  • Where is my bandanna? Where is my belt? Where are my hair-ties? Where is my scarf? 
  • No seriously, who’s gonna sniff that brown stuff on the carpet and tell me what it is?
  • Are these clothes clean or dirty? Where are all my laundry baskets? Are you wearing underwear on your face?
  • How did you fit that in your nostril in the first place?
  • Are you naked in the CAR?
  • Do you want me to clip your toenails so you don’t have to chew them off? Are you eating sand? Are you eating toothpaste?
  • Is that smell coming from your room? Why do your ears smell like meat? 
  • Would you blow up a balloon that I pulled from MY underwear?
  • Did you lick this window? Did you lick my sandwich? DID YOU JUST LICK WALMART?
  • Shoes? Anyone?
  • Shoes?

 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Stacy Harrison

Stacy Harrison lives in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan with her husband, three sons and a Goldendoodle who wasn’t supposed to shed. When she’s isn’t moonlighting as a wrestling referee (Living Room Floor Federation), Stacy enjoys writing non-fiction, primarily to-do lists and grocery lists. Visit Stacy’s blog, https://revisionsofgrandeur.com/

Welcome to Periods in Your 30s and 40s

In: Health, Humor
Welcome to Periods in Your 30s and 40s www.herviewfromhome.com

Do you remember that day in the fifth grade when the boys and girls were separated for the “Sexuality and Development” talk? Some nice old lady health teacher came into your room and gave you some straight talk about how the next few years were going to go for you. It was awkward and shocking and you knew your childhood would never be the same. When you hit your mid-thirties, there should be some kind of Part Two to that conversation. All the ladies need to be rounded up, lead into a dimly lit classroom that smells vaguely of pencil...

Keep Reading

How to Stay Married For (at Least) 10 Years

In: Humor, Relationships
How to Stay Married For (at Least) 10 years www.herviewfromhome.com

In July, my husband and I celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary. We got married back in 2008 following my college graduation. I was only 22 at the time and him? Well, he was all good-looking at the prime age of 30. There were may vocal skeptics who chimed in, unasked of course, to share with us their belief that we would “never last” and that it would “never work”. To them, I say, “You were wrong! Na-na, na-na, boo-boo!” Just kidding, of course; I don’t talk like that. I am a respectable mother, not a four-year-old child and thank goodness...

Keep Reading

How to Put Your Children to Bed in 46 Easy Steps

In: Humor, Kids
How to Put Your Children to Bed in 46 Easy Steps www.herviewfromhome.com

It was time. It had to happen. We’d had a good run at pouring our children into bed at 11:30 p.m., sweaty, sticky, and exhausted from their head to their toes.  But bedtime had to get back to its (somewhat) regularly scheduled program.  When we had one kid, bedtime was a breeze.  Each night, we had a 10 step process. And the steps were simple. And very, very routine. 1. Toys away at 7:10 p.m. 2. Up the stairs at 7:15 p.m. 3. Change into pajamas 4. Brush teeth 5. Read two books 6. Say prayers 7. Light off 8....

Keep Reading

Welcome to the Dreaded Man Cold Season

In: Health, Humor
Welcome to the Dreaded Man Cold Season www.herviewfromhome.com

Your husband has a mere headache, but he automatically now believes that he is going to be a chronic sufferer of cluster migraines. Or, maybe he got a small splinter, but he now believes that he is, without probability, going to end up with a staph infection. And, well, that cough of his (cough, cough) is going to have him laid up in bed for the next two days because he is just feeling so terrible. Sound familiar? It is all too familiar to me. What am I talking about? How men are babies when they get sick. Yes, I said it. I...

Keep Reading

Wanted: Imperfect Friends

In: Humor, Relationships
Wanted: Imperfect Friends www.herviewfromhome.com

Is anyone else as sick of the facade as I am?  Because on social media, everyone seems to have their crap together. But I sure don’t.  Scrolling through my feeds leaves me feeling inadequate and lonely, desperately lonely.  I know social media is only the high points. I know there is always more going on behind the scenes that I don’t know about. But at the end of the day, I just feel like there’s no one who would want to be friends with little, imperfect, insignificant, me.  So, I’m placing an ad.  Wanted: Imperfect Friends A kind, but quirky,...

Keep Reading

51 Reasons a Mom Might Be Late

In: Humor, Motherhood
51 Reasons a Mom Might Be Late www.herviewfromhome.com

I’ve got a question for all you moms out there: Have you ever been late? Yeah, me neither. Just kidding! We’ve all been there. We have an appointment, a meeting, an event, or just a playdate, and we want to be on time. In fact, it often looks and feels like we’re going to be on time. We’ve planned ahead. We have everything in order, and we are ready to head out the door. But then, without fail, the inevitable happens. Actually, it seems that a good number of inevitables happen. And we’re running late, again. Being on time is...

Keep Reading

5 Ways Boy Moms Always Ruin Our Fun

In: Humor, Kids
5 Ways Boy Moms Always Ruin Our Fun www.herviewfromhome.com

We know Mom loves us, don’t worry about that . . . but sometimes it seems like she’s just making up a whole pile of rules to ruin our fun. For instance, we’ll be in the middle of a huge independent project and she’ll come along, usually shriek, and be like, “You can’t use water guns to fill up the bathtub! And why are you shooting water into the toilet? Ewwwwww.” And just like that, we have to pack it all up and return to a clean orderly activity. A controlled activity. A zero fun activity. We’re not even sure...

Keep Reading

Should Grandparents Get Paid to Babysit?

In: Humor, Journal
Should Grandparents Get Paid to Babysit? www.herviewfromhome.com

While swaying in side-by-side hammocks, my daughter paid me the ultimate compliment: “It gives me enormous peace of mind while I’m working, to know you’re watching my son and that he’s in the most capable hands.” Then 10 seconds later while I was still orbiting in happy mode, she insulted me by offering to PAY me for this glorious privilege. We engaged in a little tit for tat tug of war with no clear winner. And the debate rages on, at least in our household. How about yours? To pay or not to pay the loving grandparents who bless us...

Keep Reading

Kids Today Will Never Know the Joy of a 90s Summer

In: Humor

So you want a good old fashioned 90s summer, huh? I don’t blame you. The 90s rocked! (Literally, thanks to Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder.) I’m not going to lie—I take slight offense to the use of “old fashioned” and “90s” in the same sentence, as I’m pretty sure the 90s were like 10 years ago, but I’ll still help you out. If you’re really doing this though, you’ll need to ditch some of your modern conveniences, like your phone. I know, I know, but it’s a requirement. You may bring a beeper or clunky flip-phone, but no internet allowed...

Keep Reading

Dear Kids, This Is Not An Uber

In: Humor, Kids
Dear Kids, This Is Not An Uber www.herviewfromhome.com

Paid automotive transportation is pretty simple. You hop in the backseat of a cab, share the address where you are going and aren’t required to speak any longer until you arrive at your destination and pay the driver. The same primary rules apply to taking an Uber or Lyft.  The unwritten rules have been in place for some time. Your trade-off for taking paid transportation is a ride in the backseat, where you don’t have control over the music, the temperature of the car, the route the driver takes or how fast the trip takes, not even the amount of...

Keep Reading