Humor Journal

If I Wrote A Blog As A 90’s Teen

If I Wrote A Blog As A 90's Teen www.herviewfromhome.com
Written by Jorrie Varney

I HATE MATH. Specifically, algebra—algebra is the worst! I will never use any of this in real life. Like, when am I going to be driving down the road, and be like, “PULL OVER!! I must know the circumference of that stop sign, immediately!” Never, that’s when. Ugh, this so pointless, I’m not doing this homework. It doesn’t even make sense. I’m gonna get a Mello Yello and watch 90210, instead.

I spent most of class today thinking about what I’m gonna wear this weekend. One of the seniors is having a party, and pretty much everyone is going. It’s gonna be off the hook! Originally, the party was supposed to be in a field behind Brady’s house, but thanks to some total genius—who left the map on the copy machine in the library—it’s been relocated. Parties are way less cool when your nark-y principal calls the cops before it even happens. I was trying to give Amy directions last night on the phone, but the cord would only go like twenty feet down the hall. I could tell my parents were totally listening to my conversation. I wish I had a phone in my bedroom, so I could get a little privacy. Or, at the very least, a cordless phone, so I’m not tethered to the kitchen wall like some sort of criminal making a collect call. It’s like we live in the stone-age. My parents are so lame.

Anyway, I will probably wear my new Silver jeans with one of Stephenie’s shirts. It doesn’t matter which one, all of her clothes are way better than mine. Her mom lets her shop at The Buckle, like a normal person. Meanwhile, my mom is bringing home some hideous Doc Marten knock-offs. Thanks, mom, these Spock Dartens really set-off my flat chest—the boys will be super impressed. I’m totally keeping Steph’s shirt for as long as I can after I wear it—maybe forever. I’ll probably try out my new water bra, too! It cost me two pay checks at Victoria’s Secret—totally worth it. I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry, it looks super natural. I doubt anyone will even notice when I go from an A-negative to a C cup overnight. Victoria really knows her stuff—the girl is a genius. 

Amy said Jeremy is going to the party this weekend. He’s hot, and funny, but we hate him now, because he cheated on Stephenie, like twenty-eight times. You know what they say, “I don’t want no scrubs.” I totally love that song! I hope it’s still number one on TRL today. Damn, now it’s stuck in my head…”Noooooooo, scrruuuuuubbbs… no, no.” I didn’t think I could love another TLC song as much as I loved Waterfalls, but then they wrote No Scrubs, and here we are.

Ugh, my dad just told me Stephenie called like 2 hours ago, and he forgot to tell me.

I just need to get a pager so I know when people are trying to get a hold of me. Everyone I know has a pager. OK, not everyone, but like, at least three people I know have pagers. Either way, I want one. I asked my mom if I could get one, but I’m not sure if she’ll let me. She was laughing pretty hard when she walked out of the room. So, we’ll see. I may have to ask my dad. 

Anyway, I gotta get going, Amy and I are seeing Titanic, again. I know this is like the 23rd time I’ve seen it, but I still can’t believe how Rose’s fiancé just dips like that. He’s definitely a scrub. She was smart to stick with Leo, he’s such a hottie. I would totally share a door with him. 

OK, GTG, L8TR!

LYLAS, TTYL, BFF

 

About the author

Jorrie Varney

Jorrie is a registered nurse and mother of two. She writes about the reality and insanity of motherhood on her blog http://www.closetoclassy.com/. Jorrie loves to laugh and snuggle her babies as often as she can. You can follow her on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram.