If you’re new to Her View From Home you may not know that the writers here function like a team (and sometimes like a family when it comes to sharing joys, struggles and asking for prayer). We often collaborate on pieces, like the one Leslie wrote recently about “36 Questions to Ask Your Spouse Each Night.” As I read through the options other women were throwing out, I started to feel like a bad wife. I’m the wife who suggested asking him about what was going on in the Marvel Universe, so yeah, not a super deep or romantic line of questioning.

The truth is, I’ve always got a half dozen (who am I kidding, A FULL DOZEN) questions ready to go about my husband’s feelings or our future or ways I’d like feedback on how I’m doing as a spouse. . . or feedback I’d like to offer HIM about how he’s doing as a spouse. But those things aren’t usually what get him chatting. He’s willing to talk about those things when I need him to or when he’s got an issue of his own to bring up, but some days he’d rather not walk through the emotional minefield I’ve created talking about our feelings and instead he’d rather just hang out with his best friend.

So what do best friends talk about? Dumb stuff, mostly. We talk about hobbies or what 90s song we heard on the radio that got us car dancing (until the guy in the car next to us gave us a weird look) or about a new taco place we tried or about the latest happenings of The Property Brothers. So in case you tried those inspired 36 Questions and they didn’t quite start the gab session you were hoping for with your favorite guy, I’ve got some other options for you.

10 Questions that Might Actually get Your Husband to Talk

If we could have an adventure anywhere in the world, where would you want to go? My husband longs for adventure and sometimes the practical realities of our life keep us from just daydreaming about what would be fun, even if it will never be possible. Open up the door to some fantasy without feeling the pressure to inject reality into the mix.

How is that sports ball thing going? Is that guy still doing that thing? Confession: I listen to sports talk radio and I don’t care about sports. I just like to have a useful tidbit to share every now and then when the conversation turns to sports. And I have found aspects I DO like! A good underdog, a compassionate coach, the dramatics of player disagreements– I can get behind all that. If sports isn’t your guy’s thing, find what it is and be knowledgeable enough to ask a follow-up question or two when the subject comes up.

You can only eat one food for the rest of  your life– what is it and why? Bring up the weird hypothetical questions. The ones that get you laughing. The “would you rather” type questions that give you a little insight into his silly side and take you out of the usual conversations about schedules and bills.

All-time best movie villain– Darth Vader or is there somebody else? Let him talk about the movie trivia he loves, the fan theories he’s been researching, and the next installment of that series he likes. Do your best to care and if you can’t, go to that happy place where you imagine paint colors that could be nice in this room while you keep smiling and nodding. But seriously– finding a character you can cheer for can make those movie date nights more fun. Bonus points for reading articles about his favorite series so you’re more informed.

If you could burn one item of clothing I own, what would it be? Turns out my husband hates anything toile patterned. Who knew? And what possessed me to buy toile patterned pants in the first place? 2002, you were a weird year. You may learn something interesting about his preferences and personality if you open the verbal door to examining your actual closet. Just be prepared for honesty and don’t ask it if you don’t want to actually hear an answer.

If we had a million dollars, what house project would you finally want to get done? Sometimes the frustration of actual home improvement projects kills the joy of dream home improvement projects. Let’s get crazy with some imaginary money and hear what our husbands would do if they could do anything in the home that they love to come home to.

If you could relive one childhood moment, what would it be? Every once in a while, give him a good excuse to tell that state basketball tournament story he’s so proud of no matter how many times you’ve heard it before. When we can embrace his history we become the best kind of friend.

What moment from today was high five-able? Let him be proud and be proud of him for whatever it was that gave him some joy in his accomplishment. And share your high five-able moment! Being confident and proud of your own accomplishments (“I successfully handled a tantruming child without losing my mind AND I responded to a crisis work email like a boss!”) allows him to give you the encouragement you need, too.

Want to go for a walk? While this may not seem like much of a conversation starter, I have found that most of our best conversations happen when we’re side-by-side instead of face-to-face. It could be while we’re on a walk, gardening, taking a drive, or painting the bathroom. Sometimes you learn a lot more about your husband during an hour long drive than you would during a two hour candlelit dinner. 

When we retire, what hobby are you secretly dreaming of pursuing? We may know one version of our men right now, but what kind of guy does he see himself being when all the work pressure is gone and the kids have moved away? Are we prepared to be his wife at that stage, too? Have we shared our own secret fantasies about what we’ll want to pursue?

While these ten questions may not be perfectly suited to your man and your relationship, the heart behind them probably applies no matter what. The bottomline is that we want to care about what our husbands care about. We want to be the one they trust to handle not just the deep emotional conversations, but the silly stuff, too. In an ideal world we would all be able to settle down at the end of the day and talk about our feelings, our relationship goals, and our needs. But when the day has been less than ideal, these questions (or ones you create based on these ideas) might help you connect anyway.