God, Did You See Me as My Heart Shattered?

Trigger warning: This post discusses the death of a child.

God, did you see me?

There in the family waiting room? Receiving horrific details about unsuccessful life-saving measures for my Kayleigh. My precious daughter. Did you see me? Numbness from shock sweeping over my entire body like the winds rush over the plains? Did you see me struggling to comprehend the words spoken to me? Asking doctors, multiple times, to repeat the news because my brain lost all comprehension as soon as the words were spoken.

Did you even see me?

My Daughter, I saw you. I saw everything, because I was there.

It was I who poured the abundance of protective shock over your body. For I knew the full weight of the news of losing that which is so precious to you would absolutely crush you. I numbed your mind from comprehending all the details, because in those moments, that was for your good. I saw your frustration in the new lack of understanding, but I knew what I was doing. I knew you didn’t understand, but I had a plan unfolding. 

Did you see me?

Pressing that button to be allowed entry into the PICU? My arms, both numb and heavy as bricks, barely able to reach forward. Did you see me as I watched the flurry of activity coming from room 2? Did you see me step back to assess the room, desperate to see the severity of the situation for myself, praying my brain would switch into nurse mode? Did you see me talking to the doctors? Holding her hand? Did you see my unwavering faith that you were saving a miracle for the last hour?

Did you see me deflate, realizing the miracle wasn’t coming in the way I asked?

Because she was already in your presence.

My daughter, I saw it all. 

I chose Axel to be my servant physician to you that night, knowing his calm demeanor and clear communication would be what your heart needed. You would see his compassion easily. Her nurses—Brittany, Niko, and Dylan—also chosen by me, just for you. I placed the medical team around you that you would need. 

I gave you and John brief clarity in order to express Kayleigh’s wishes as an organ donor. I brought to your memory the conversation with your daughter that I designed to happen, just one month prior. I chose my servant, Bianca, from TOSA to walk with you through that process. I knew you would fight back anger, and her softness would help you fight. I kept the shielding buffer of shock over you as you carried out final steps and prepared for her death as best as possible. I knew you couldn’t really ever feel prepared. But I surrounded you with my softest servants, so their voices and demeanor would be a calming presence against the overstimulating noise and chaos of the PICU. I knew it was important that you could see and feel their compassion. 

I saw it all. I had prepared it all for you. I was there. 

I listened to your prayers. Your pleading. Your strangled sobs. My heart broke with yours. I knew you didn’t understand me. I still grieve over this.

I was by your side and I never left you. 

Did you see me? Making plans for an honor walk for my little girl? Did you see how I could barely think of all her favorite things? Did you see me that Sunday morning? I was so sick with nausea and dread. It was such a slow work up to our final goodbye. Final touch. Final kiss. Final time physically together. I didn’t understand this loss, much less why it was taking so long to find recipients for her organs. Hadn’t we been through enough?

Did you see me? I was wrecked beyond anything I’ve ever experienced. I didn’t think I could do this. You expected too much from me. I pleaded for strength with every ounce of might I had left in me, which wasn’t much.

Did you even see me?

My daughter, you already know in your heart that I saw you, and you know I was there. I saturated that 3rd floor of the hospital with my presence. I allowed the time so you could begin making the plans for both her honor walk and her celebration of life. There would be no more celebrations or birthday parties, no more Gotcha Days or a wedding. I know you express your love by planning special celebrations and I knew it would be important to plan the details that would make both final events special and unique. You needed it to feel honoring to her.

My presence and glory were in that place. You felt it. You even spoke about it. I began a work there and I’ve never stopped. 

I gave you the strength you asked for. I carried you. You were acutely aware of me carrying you. 

My presence comforted you. 

And it woke the dead hearts. 

Her death made a way for me to reach so many souls in Texas. The ending of her life initiated a restorative plan. I began to restore what the enemy meant for evil and turn it for good. Many souls will be with me for eternity because of her. Kayleigh knew me! She fought the good fight to completion. Her purpose was fulfilled, and I needed her back. 

She is safe with me. She’s healthy and pain-free. Oh, how she sings so beautifully! Her worship is sincere and honest. And just so beautiful. 

She is my masterpiece. 

And her legacy is lasting… just as I had planned it to be.

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Articles by Kara Helton

Kara Helton

I am saved by God's grace, through nothing I did on my own, but purely by the love and mercy extended by the Father. I call the foothills of the Appalachian mountains home, where l prefer a slower and more simple way of life. I am a wife and mother, daughter, sister, aunt. I'm constantly learning how to be a great friend and I'm grateful for authentic connections. I've experienced a shattered heart, and while healing, discovered my love for writing.