I look at him and my heart breaks into a million little pieces. It simply hurts too much to know he hurts. He is my heart, and it squeezes and revolts when he struggles. I want to close my eyes and hold him close, and when I resurface, I want the world to be different for him. Look different, smell different, taste different.
But, it remains the same, this pain.
In the beginning, when he was in my womb, I held my hands on my stomach and his tiny feet kicked me back. His bodily imprint on my skin. He and I, learning one another, loving one another from the very beginning.
When he entered the world everything changed.
He lay in my arms, his milk-filled breath on my face, my heart bursting with love in ways I didn’t know existed. He set in me something that was new and needed, a fierceness only he could bring. He grew in me a strength that would one day be needed for him and his siblings that we would later welcome into our world.
Life hit me sideways in so many ways, and I did my best to protect him from the blows. The most helpless feeling is knowing there is no way to keep your child from being harmed. My boy. My precious boy. Life is hard, and I want to take all the pain and disappointment from you, but I can’t. So, we keep going. We journey. We walk. We fail. We learn. We hurt. We love. We grow.
With each step, with each hurdle, with each heartache, I watch you turn into the most beautiful human being. Before my very eyes, you shift into the human God made you to be. Created in such a beautiful way that it blows my mind. Learning your purpose and learning your very own brave heart.
I see you through all of it. I love you through all of it. And my precious son, I am so proud of you. So incredibly proud.
I know the dark places of your heart, and as your mom, I will run after them.
I will run after you. I look at you and know hope. I look at you and see that through all the failures, I got you right. I got your siblings right.
You, courageous boy, are worth the whole world, and I will never stop pursuing you. A pursuit only a mom knows. A pursuit strikingly similar to the God who made us both.
A pursuit of endless, never-failing love. A love and pursuit that will always last. No matter what. Until the end of time.