This wasn’t the plan. This wasn’t on the calendar to happen so soon. I need you to know, I could never replace you.
This morning when we woke up you reached over and wrapped your arm around my neck and whispered, “my momma,” and then pulled me up and out of my slumber of sleep. You’re still so little looking up to me without a worry in your eyes, just engulfed in happiness. I live for these little moments of purity with you.
You, my child, are forever my first love.
Sure, I am deeply in love with your daddy. But the love I have for you is one of a kind. You grew inside of me for 10 months—your heart, your eyes, your soul is all a part of me and that can never be taken away from us. That magical action of bringing you into this world will be ours forever.
Your lips were the first to call me by my new name, Momma. Your little hands were the first to grab onto me in such a delicate action. You and I, well, we learned all of this new world together, day by day, you and me. I couldn’t have done it without you.
I know I wasn’t a rock star when you first came into my life. I struggled a lot with you and at my new role as your momma. But you never looked at me with anything but love and acceptance. All the times I spent in tears from feeling like I was failing you, still no negativity in your heart.
Because of you, I believe we can do this.
This wasn’t part of the plan this soon, not while you are still so young. Not while you are still so attached to me. Who are we kidding, I’m attached as well. You have been my constant cuddle buddy for three years, and my daily friend throughout the days. This is going to be a big mountain of change for both of us. I need you to know, you didn’t do anything wrong.
Soon, my dear child, you will not be the only child anymore. You will hear new phrases from your momma. When you call out momma over and over again, you might not hear my reply with “Yes my baby?” but instead with “One minute baby. Mommy needs to help your baby sibling real quick.” You might see momma back in tears a few times. During our movie cuddle times, you might have to share the other half of mommy a little more and be OK with mommy getting up and down a lot more than usual to go check on the baby. You need to know, you did nothing wrong.
This new addition to our house is not and will never be your replacement.
My dear child, you will always hold my heart first. Mommy feels guilty a lot while we wait for the baby to come. I sit and look at you playing so carefree and happy, asking me to watch and help, and I think How will the little moments like this change? These thoughts come frequently, and I wonder if you’re going to resent me.
Sometimes I get mad at myself for having this happen. I mean, how could I possibly give myself away to another tiny human when I know you need me too? How could I look at another baby and love them the way I love you?
Family and friends tell me it will just come naturally, and sure, you will be jealous for a while and may even act out more for attention, but I don’t want to cause you those types of emotions and neglect. I don’t want this baby to make you feel like you have to beg for momma’s attention.
Unfortunately, I know it will happen. There will be times when you will want to play with me and instead of me jumping at the chance, I will have to look at you and say, “Momma can’t right now, your sibling needs me to change him first, but then I can.” Your little mind most likely won’t comprehend what I am saying, but just see your momma choosing someone else over you. This realization hurts me more than you know.
This second-time mom guilt is something of power—it’s growing nearer by each moment.
Soon, our whole world of us two will be rocked like we’re in a hurricane. I don’t know how we will tackle it, but because of you and your heart, I believe we can do this, together. Momma will be learning a whole new type of life, but then again, so will you. Once again, you and I will learn to grow again together. We can do that, right?
Family and friends tell us daily that it’s going to be rough, but don’t they know we already realize that? Mom guilt doesn’t need negative facts or suggestions. Can’t they see they are only adding flames to the fire of shame your momma feels already? I second guess myself daily on how this will play out, but instead of looking to my village for comfort, I am only greeted with snide comments.
“Get ready, momma, it’s going to be the challenge of your life for years.”
“Your firstborn is going to be so jealous, and you will just have to push through it and deal with it.”
“He is going to want to get your attention no matter what he has to do. Because of the new world, he might even try to ignore you and want to hurt the baby.”
You have always chosen momma over everyone else, I am the first person you call to kiss your boo-boos. I am the first person you seek in the mornings. When something is happening to you or around you and you want to share the excitement of it, you call my name first.
I don’t want that to change because of a new addition.
To have you ignore me or want to punish me for loving someone as I love you hurts me deep inside.
I’ve been thinking, that instead of calling your sibling my baby, or the baby, maybe we can call them our baby? If we share them, then maybe we can share the journey of learning with them together.
All I know, my beautiful little child, is that I love you more than you will ever know. I will never replace you or love you less.
The amount of love in my heart for you will never waiver.
Momma might have to give attention to another baby now and then, but I will also always look for you in the early mornings. I will always seek you out when something exciting happens. When our favorite shows come on, I will look for you to come to cuddle with me like always.
Things will be changing, this I know. But, I promise momma will try with every ounce of power I have to make sure the change isn’t too much for your little self.
It will always be you and me against the world, we will just have a new human to protect together.